There are few things as painful as the end of a relationship. Whether it was his idea, your idea, or mutual, losing someone always hurts. Usually one of the worst parts of a breakup is the prospect of not having this person in your life anymore after they’ve become so important. In some situations, however, a rare relationship blossoms: a friendship with your ex.
           Being friend with someone you were romantically involved with is notoriously hard to do. There’s often a lot of lingering bitterness even in the best cases, not to mention jealousy if one partner moves on more quickly. In addition, features which were positives during a relationship can easily turn into negatives in the ensuing friendship. For one, that amazing sexual chemistry that brought you two together? Well, it might try to bring you back together…but without the security of being able to say “I love you” and then spend the next day in bed together. Or the way he could always tell when you were upset? Post-breakup, he might be exactly the person from whom you’re trying to hide your unhappiness.
           Still, despite these obstacles, a friendship is not out of th
e question, as long as you both stick with some guidelines:
- No bonus night. Seriously, just don’t hook up. It’s hard, I know, but it will only delay the process of getting over him, and make things awkward the next day.
- Communicate openly. This doesn’t mean texting him “Hey, Imade out that guy from chem class last night!” It means telling him if he does things that bother you, make you sad or uncomfortable, etc.
- Keep your love lives private. At some point down the road, a boy you’ve dated can actually become a great resource for relationship issues, because not only does he understand the (very confusing) workings of the male brain better than you do, he also knows a lot about you. In the beginning, though, stick to less hurtful conversation topics.
- Avoid saying negative things about him to mutual friends. Of course you should speak openly about your feelings with your close friends, but try not to complain to people who might also be talking to him about you. You wouldn’t want something you said in the heat of the breakup drama to get back to your ex and ruin any chance of a positive future.
- Don’t exaggerate to your friends. Oftentimes they will have a harder time forgiving someone who hurt you than you will. Don’t skew their image of your relationship by over-dramatizing the messy details, because in a month when you’re not mad anymore and want to invite him to come out with you, your friends might not be so forgiving.
- Give yourself as much time as you need. There is no deadline for getting over someone. None of this “it’ll take you half as long as you were with them to get over them.” Everyone heals at their own pace, so don’t rush yourself to be okay with hanging out with the guy. As much as you might want to be friends right away, don’t rush into anything that is just going to hurt you.
With some closed boundaries and open communication, a friendship with an ex might end up being very rewarding. But remember, if things turn toxic, or one of you still has feelings that the other one can’t reciprocate, it’s not worth it, and it’s time to really move on.Â