On the Other Hand: Flirting like a TWAMP

How many times have you been at a bar, party, or other social setting where you are subjected to–I mean, privileged–to be meeting new people, outside of this little bubble of WM and heard pick up lines like: “You’re the most beautiful girl in this bar” or “Sorry, but, I just HAD to meet you”? Maybe many times, maybe never (but, seriously, they’ll say anything…Gabi once got accosted in DC by “Get in the car Miley Cyrus!” It’s like: Yea totally, let me just jump right in your car with those other strange, probably smelly middle aged men yelling at me and calling me the name of a trashy, annoying, pre-teen excuse for a musician! So turns me on, def the way to my heart!) But actually, in the real world, aka anywhere but here, some kinds of attraction-based, generic, laughable-but-confident-thus-potentially-sorta-sexy pickup lines (if they come with a free vodka soda or two for my friends AND me) are probably more common than they are here on campus. Flirting out there may involve a stroke of the arm, the lingering eyes, the biting lips then eyes again move, a wink (but please, no) a playful insult, witty and sexually charged banter…Does this type of exchange sound familiar to you during times that OTHER THAN Fall break, Thanksgiving break, Winter break, Spring Break, and summer (or any other time you’re not at WM)? Didn’t think so, because that’s not exactly how your typical William and Mary person tends to get down. First of all, these flirtatious exchanges are more likely to happen after class at the Daily grind, or during a study session at Swem than when you’re out or at the bars. Even when they do happen at the bars/delis, you may get a free drink out of it, but the lines used are still a little different. Here are a few scenarios for you:
 
1) “Hey, yesterday’s lecture was so deep, like I’m totally interested in ______________(some extremely specific, actually extraneous issue of sorts) what did you think?”   This line goes one of two ways:

1. Other person cares just as much about said issue, but has opposite feelings and a politically charged argument ensues. They spend rest of party/bar night in corner arguing.
2. Other person was confused about lecture, admits he doesn’t know a lot about it and picker upper says something along the lines of “Oh, I could totally tutor you or we could talk about it over coffee sometime” or “we should get together and study for the next test, or meet up to discuss the readings…and maybe afterwards…”–you get the picture.

2) “You’re in my ___________ class right? Ugh, isn’t professor so-and-so such a d*ck? He’s so subjective and keeps giving me bad grades, I’m not going to get into Harvard Grad or have a 4.0 anymore all because of him!” For some reason, TWAMPS think complaining about professors and comparing grades is a great ice-breaker to initiate conversation with a cute person in their class that they haven’t had the courage to talk to.
 
3) “Umm, urrr, gee, uhhh, you’re pretty…and smart…and perfect… If you go on a date with me, I will do your homework and your laundry…and anything you could ever want,” but we don’t really want any of this at all. WM guys sometimes tend to be really awkward, serious, overwhelmed and overall petrified by the opposite sex so much so that they confuse the limits of flattery, misunderstanding what girls want and overdoing it on the compliments and favors. They become clingy, unaware, and ultimately hard to shake. This is the TWAMP version of the random guy you let buy you a drink at the bar because he insisted and then later followed you the rest of the night, yelling at other guys who tried to talk to you.
 
4) This next one isn’t necessarily a line, but a boy’s thought process that might take place while at a super awesome unit dance party or other venue where an excuse for dancing occurs: “Oh let me just grab you and grind behind you because isn’t it so hot when you don’t know who is gyrating up on you to LMFAO in a sweaty, dark basement?” If they’re not talking about class or some political issue, or worshipping the ground you walk on, they might skip talking altogether and just go for it, lacking the social etiquette to you know, ask and be polite.
 
5) “Aw, your friends left you? I can walk you home…” This is potentially sweet, and you shouldn’t walk home alone, but if you think it’s gonna be easy to leave this guy at the door with a thanks and a high-five (if he’s not one of your good friends and even then who knows…) you’re a little delusional. Get ready to hear: “Boy, it’s cold out and since I walked you all the way here and it’s such a far walk back to my dorm” or “I’m so not tired, wanna watch a movie/talk?” WM guys probably can’t just straight up tell you they think you’re bangin’ (and that they probably wanna…bang you—sorry, I had to) they’ll just disguise it by suggesting a walk home and a movie, while they work up the nerve to awkwardly initiate some kind of hook-up.
 
Instead of sexually charged glances and playful teasing, flirting like a TWAMP involves a little less sex appeal (we tend to be intellectual, not sexual) and a little more nervousness.  TWAMPS struggle to find a common ground and rely too heavily on the situation. Still, while flirting like a TWAMP is nerdy, less suggestive and seductive, and definitely not as bold, it can sometimes be refreshing to have interactions that are at least sometimes substantive. So what if they aren’t your typical lines or techniques, and sometimes the attempts are down right sad? We’re probably lucky to be surrounded by people who are interested in so many different things and hoping you will be too, instead of just trying to take you home (although of course they’re hoping for that too if they’re not too terrified it will actually happen). While lecturing you about child labor laws in Argentina, or asking you what your favorite element on the periodic table is on a Friday night may not make your heart skip or your toes curl, give the TWAMPS a little bit of a break. WM kids may not sweep you off your feet, and definitely have a lot to learn in the art of seduction, but these awkward attempts at connecting are unique to this school, can be endearing and are maybe a little more rewarding then your standard, “Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!”
 
And here are some more TWAMPy pick up lines for your sheer enjoyment:

• “My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!”
• “Hagrid’s not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean.”
• “How ’bout I slip into something more comfortable… like these STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!”
• “We fit together like the sticky ends of recombinant DNA.”
• “How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the 10 digits of your phone number?”
• “I’m not being obtuse, but you’re acute girl.”
• “I’m attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.”
• “You make my software turn into hardware!”

            …couldn’t resist adding that last one.