Name: Caleb Wilson Barbieri Balaban
Middle Name backstory: Wilson, I believe, was my paternal Grandfather’s middle name, and it’s also my brother’s middle name. Because his first name was Herman, and no one wants that in their name, they gave us his middle one. They probably figured that Caleb and Japhet were enough trouble. Plus, the first two syllables of Barbieri are Barbie. That’s too much. It’s like throwing a puppy in a burlap sack into a river – no chance.
And what is Barbieri?
Some sort of Italian thing.
Year: 2013
Hometown: London, England – REPRESENT!
Major: History with an IPHS concentration [How European!]
Relationship status: Single and looking to mingle but not in a creepy way, okay?
Birthday: November 6, 1990
How does it feel to be able to legally drink…again?
I guess it feels the same way it felt almost three years ago.
Favorite slang from home that no one would understand here: gash, yats, brass, jokes, mug, muppet.
Shameless plug: Oh, and listen to my super cool anonymous friends’ radio show: Wednesdays from 8 ‘til 9 – “Accent or Speech Impediment? Who knows?! Not me!” DJs Big and Manly and Bunch of Fun are probably the coolest kids on campus. I wish they’d speak to me. I wish they’d recognize my existence.
Do you identify with the ATM voice of the People’s Bank of Gambier?
You know, sometimes it does make me feel like I’m right at home, but sometimes, it’s so devoid of passion that it means nothing to me—just another voice. Mostly, it reminds me of the security voice in “Moon.”
What would you do on a date with her?
With the ATM? Luckily, the date would be paid for already because she’d just spit it out. I guess we couldn’t go very far – she’s a big girl – so I’d probably bring the date to her and have a romantic picnic on the stoop of the bank. The only danger would be that people would try to use her halfway through the date.
MFK – Big Ben, the Eye, Buckingham Palace?
[Makes a chart.] I’m glad I’m just a stereotype to you. I feel like with Buckingham Palace you’re marrying into the right family there: think about the social doors that will open, and I’d also get to meet Princess Kate. She’s banging. If the name is anything to go by, I’m not dealing with Big Ben – kill that guy. The Millenium Wheel is just really cool, great view.
Is your charm more like Hugh Grant or Colin Firth?
Interesting. I guess it depends if we’re talking about “Love Actually” Hugh Grant or “Notting Hill” Hugh Grant, and are we talking “The King’s Speech” Colin Firth because I can talk normally. I guess I’m not as endearing in a pity sort of way as stuttering Colin Firth, but Hugh Grant is sort of a prick. I’ll go with Colin Firth, everyone likes him and he’s a nice guy.
Speaking of “Love Actually,” is every Christmas like that?
Yes, it is! People say that Christmas in England might be the happiest day for everyone – every broken heart is mended.
What kind of tea do you serve a girl the morning after and why?
I’m not really a big tea drinker. Don’t tell anyone, though. I normally ask that she make me tea. No, just kidding, I don’t.
What places do you think need to be occupied other than Wall Street?
Other that all the other places in the world that are being occupied?
At Kenyon.
The Nuge’s house just to see if she’s there.
Phaedra Fawcett – Kenyon employee or Harry Potter character?
Yeah, she’s the one sending out all the student-infos clogging up my inbox everyday. Although I appreciate it, I guess.
With that name, could she be a Harry Potter character?
Absolutely, she could probably work with Professor Sprout in the Herbology Department. She and Neville would probably get on nicely.
[Jerry Seinfeld] general gripe: What’s the deal with the premade salads with olives?
I understand that some people like olives, but they completely take over a salad. Could they just make non-olive salads as well to go along with them?
What would you do if your son was at home, crying all over the bedroom floor ‘cause he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy’s gone somewhere smoking rock now in and out of lock-down [you] ain’t got a job now, so for [another person] this is just a good time but for [you] this is what [you] call life (mmm)?
Well, I’d do what I did the last time, which is to say “no, man, not my kid” and get outta there. It’s probably Andrew Tint’s kid anyway.
What’s the least romantic date you could go on at Kenyon?
What like – uh – going next to each other on the ellipticals at the KAC? Or Gund Gameroom Board Games Friday night – she could roll my dice for me and collect $200. I don’t know. I guess another one would be, “hey, come to my Human Sexualities seminar and just sit in on it.” That would definitely be the creepiest.
Good, bad, and ugly of Halloween costumes you’ve seen?
Okay. Two of them come from the Mount Vernon Halloween Parade that my professor let us watch instead of going to class. Shout out to Professor Bowman! So the good is a kid dressed up as a Lego block. That was pretty cool. And then the bad – it was a good Halloween costume but one of the teachers was dressed up as Michael Jackson, and if you’re dressed up as Michael Jackson and holding a little kid’s hand, you didn’t think this through. You know?
Ugly?
My friend went as a Grandma and wore a sweatshirt that said “Love is Another Word for Grandmother.” It wasn’t ugly, but it needs to be recognized.
Thoughts on Phling’s cancellation?
I never really cared about Phling. I got the impression that people care about the pre-games more than the event. I was also really sick and tired of the “P-H” jokes. This isn’t chemistry class. Get out of here! My heart doesn’t weep for the cancellation of Phling. Nuh-uh. I’m also not going to miss all of those emails asking if people could volunteer.
Closing comments and/or thoughts on this interview?
I’ve enjoyed spending time with you even though you’ve been culturally insensitive and have not helped me at all with my crossword.