Fashion Faux Pas

If you saw someone doing something wrong, would you stop it? You see a Cal student attempting a break-in to hot prowl our coveted axe; do you apprehend them? Obviously, yes. You’re an upstanding Stanford student. Now what if that something wrong was wearing blue and gold after acceptance-day or displaying a VPL—visible panty line? Because, dear sirs and madams, it is my duty to summon your attention to these wrongdoings.  It is my strong sense of justice that compels me to identify these crimes against fashion, lambaste those perpetrators, and implore you to swear yourselves against these and act to stop all such fashion faux pas: Stanford edition.
 


Anything Indicating You’re a Freshman. Oh my gosh congratulations on getting into Stanford! Now remove the lanyard and put that ’15 tee in the back of the drawer. It’s not that upperclassmen don’t like freshmen; it’s just that you guys remind us of our age and you have so many opportunities. See? It’s like we’re jealous and you’re bragging. So be polite and never wear anything that says Class of 15 on it for at least a year. Don’t trash it though. You can keep it as a novelty item for special dinners and themed progressives to make fun of—I mean emulate the next years’ freshmen.
 
Anything Blue and Yellow at the Same Time: Put these items at opposite geographic ends of your unabashedly expansive closet—you’re too good for this easily remedied folly, girl. And while you’re at it, go ahead and throw out any and everything that has to do with UC’s and Cal unless it’s directly preceded by “Beat” or followed by “Sucks.” Go ahead, pat yourself on the back. You got into Stanford now show your spirit! And not [just] because everyone else is doing it, or because it is indeed officially called “The Red Zone,” but because if you don’t, you might actually be mistaken for a wandering Cal hopeful. AKA a hobo.
 
Rally gear at non-rally events. There’s a word for this, it’s called hipster. I know you may think that you’re above fashion because you’re too busy clinging to your 3^rd edition Thus Spoke Zarathustra, buzzing contemplatively to the latest Neutral Milk Hotel album, and grabbing Coupa with the rest of the Austrian-Electro-Jazz Documentary-Screening Club, but you’re not above the fashion law, and this, sirs and madams, is a serious offense. Remove the neon cap, the thrifted plastic jacket that was crafted for construction-workers and bike, don’t walk, back to your self-op of choice to change back into normal citizen clothing. We all love our rally gear, but we have themed events, Mausoleum Party, and roll-outs for that.
 
Hoodies at Frat Parties.If you put on a hoodie and you go to a frat party you’re sending out a message and it isn’t “I got moves like Jagger,” nor is it “party rock is in the house tonight.” It’s not even “Barbara Streisand.” It’s “I’m creepy.” Especially if the hood is up. Take off the hoodie and strap on the fanny pack, girls, adjust the flat-bill, guys, and “Le go.”
 
Not wearing pants. This one seems like a no-brainer, but this is seriously an issue—an issue that has led the inception of a websitededicated entirely to the phenomenon of not wearing pants at Wash U in St. Louis. Look, I’m just as glad that the 2000’s saw the end of bell bottoms, which were no good for my short stems, and ushered in the skinny-jeans, but cigarette jeans and matchstick cords are not the Get-Out-of-Jail-and-Straight-to-No-Pants card. And tights are not pants. This is especially an issue when it comes to the misnomed yoga “pants.” If your choice in yoga tight could possibly substitute for 50’s cabaret wear, you need to change, because in case you didn’t know, tension on materials makes them even shearer. Which means that in the down-ward dog, or biking to PWR, I can see through to your Namast-ass. And your thong. Pleasant? About as pleasant as a twisty triangle. Do yourself a favor and invest in some Lululemon, or even some reasonably priced Championpants.
 
Now the Farm is a place of acceptance and diversity, and I am so thankful for that. But do you really think that when Jane and Leland made this fine university, they intended for you to wear caution cones or Cal garb to class? Don’t do it for me, don’t even do it for yourself. Do it for Jr.