Recently, I went on a first date. . The Mexican restaurant he had chosen was perfect – I love cheap Mexican food – and he’d even showered and put on cologne. I was feeling good. But as I sat across from him at dinner, both of us glued to our phones actively conversing with other people, I began to wonder if the technological age has begun to affect our relationships. Going to dinner with one person is no longer a strictly two-person activity; now we can bring along as many friends as fit in our phone books. There’s no such thing as a private conversation anymore; instead, we post our communications on websites like Facebook and Twitter, for the world to see and comment. We open our thoughts, feelings, and ideas up for ridicule, for our friends to “like” or “retweet” if they feel we have a valid point. As I sat eating my enchiladas and waiting for my date to look up from his phone so that we could exchange the obligatory comments on our food before returning to our text messages, I wondered how far our society has deteriorated. Are we really that afraid of human interaction that we spend our first dates talking to anyone but the date? What is the protocol for dating in this day and age? Is it now acceptable to text at the dinner table? Should cell phones be muted, silenced, or even left in the car? What is the proper dating etiquette when it comes to cell phones?
In 1978, Judith Martin began an advice column. She was attempting to educate young men and women about the proper ways in which to conduct themselves. Since then, her column has become a household name. The “Miss Manners” etiquette column is still syndicated in publications such as the Washington Post and online at MSN.com. Miss Manners answers questions sent in by readers about the proper etiquette in certain situations, ranging from the correct way to write a thank-you note to the most polite way to inform someone that everyone can see the dirty pictures on his computer screen at an internet café. As society has become more technologically inclined, Miss Manners has provided myriad advice on the proper way to interact in the digital age. For example, she answered one reader’s concerns about texting during dinner: “it is rude to ignore your dinner companions, by whatever means.”[i] Although Miss Manners’ knowledge of societal protocol is unquestionable, I wonder to what extent her advice has become antiquated? In this new digital society, is there a completely new set of rules? Should we ignore previous social standards? Is it time for a new Miss Manners?
After my horror date with Mr. Text Message, I scoured the internet for help. Based on the advice of experts and my own personal experience, I compiled a how-to guide for dating and cell phones. While I am a girl who likes boys, and thus writing from that perspective, these rules are universal: girls who like girls, girls who like boys, boys who like boys, boys who like monkeys. These are the do’s and don’ts of dating, Generation Y style. Cell phones are such an instrumental part of our lives, yet they should play a limited role on dates. Follow these easy steps, and you’ll be enjoying your enchiladas listening to a real conversation instead of the clicking of cell phone keys.
The Do’s
- Do: Establish a specific day, time, and place for your date. In the digital world, it is tempting to wait until the day you’d like to go out, and simply shoot the girl a quick text saying “what are you up to tonight?” However, in order to qualify as a date, you should ask your girl out more than an hour before you would like to meet up. Give her time to confirm that she is indeed available for the date and time you propose. Send her a reminder text the day before; a simple “I can’t wait for our date tomorrow” is perfect. Avoid the “are we still on for tomorrow” text unless it is very casual, or if you are the girl in this scenario, unless you want to seem desperate. (Trust me, if he asked you out, he’ll remember the date).
- Do: Turn your cell phone on vibrate or silent. I know it is tempting to check your Facebook and Twitter feeds every ten minutes, or when there is a lull in the conversation. Awkward first dates make fingers itch to troll their cell phones. Unfortunately, cell phones and news feeds have no place on a date. The hunk you are on a date with wants to know that you are there to talk to him, not to update your two hundred Facebook contacts that you had a steak burrito for lunch. Trust me, no one cares. You can, however, keep your phone in an easily accessible place. If your date leaves to go to the bathroom, you can check to make sure no one called or left you an urgent voicemail. Other than your parents or your boss, you will not need to answer your phone on a date. I promise, your social media network will go on without you for three hours, and you can always spend time later catching up on what you missed. Plus, your date will appreciate how refreshing it is to talk to someone who is genuinely interested in him, rather than someone who is biding her time between text messages.
- Do: Text your date afterwards. Send him a text or an email thanking him for a lovely evening. If you are feeling bold, you could even try the old fashioned way: a phone call. Your date will be pleased that you took the time to thank him and it gives you an excuse to talk to him again. If the date went poorly, stick to the text or email. Let him know that you enjoyed the date, but that you don’t think you want to see him again. Excuses are fine but don’t go overboard; it’s best to be concise, upfront, and above all, polite. Simply thank them for the evening and suggest that the relationship will never leave the friendship stage. For example, I once went on a date with an absolute pig. Afterwards, I sent him a text message: “Thanks so much for dinner tonight. I think we could be really good friends.” He got the message, and didn’t ask me out again.
The Don’ts
- Don’t: Pull out your cell phone at the dinner table. If you need to answer an important phone call or return a missed call, excuse yourself from the table. If you are in a restaurant, go outside. No one wants to hear your phone call. If it is important enough to deal with during a date then you want your privacy. And while your mother is never someone to be ignored, your date does not want to sit through your once-a-week reunion phone call with her. Answer her call; tell her you are busy, and that you will call her back later. And while I realize this is outside the realm of my expertise, dare I say it, actually call her back. The same applies for non-urgent work calls; if your boss is chatty and just wants to go over the work week, tell him you can’t talk at the moment but will give him a call back in a couple hours. Not only will you avoid an hour long conversation with your boss, your date will find it charming that you value her company above your boss’s.
- Don’t: Abuse Google on your date. If you both are raving over the new movie you just saw, and want to know more about the production or its stars, wait until after the date is over to check the IMDB app. Not only is it more polite, it gives you an excuse to call him the next day. However, there are exceptions to this rule. If, for instance, you are on your way to a new restaurant, use the GPS on your phone to get you there. No date likes unnecessary detours; she would much rather spend the time in the restaurant. And while “I took a wrong turn and ended up at the river” stories make cute our-first-date anecdotes, actually having the first date makes a better one. Use your GPS to get you to your destination, then turn it off and return the phone to your pocket. Finding additional places to go if your date is going well, or looking up movie times if you decide that dinner wasn’t enough are also acceptable reasons to use your phone while on a date. Avoid answering emails or text messages that might have been received while your phone was in your pocket. Your date will know you are doing more than just looking at options.
- Don’t: Cancel plans via text message. If you went through the effort to ask someone out, chances are she went through the effort to get ready for the date. Cancelling via text message sends the impression that you don’t really care about her, and couldn’t be bothered to make a phone call. Give her as much notice as possible that you are cancelling, and provide a legitimate excuse. If something comes up last minute that affects your ability to be present for your date, call her, explain the situation, and ask for a rain check. Then keep your word! Your girl will love that you shared what was going on in your life, and be happy to reschedule. Call the next day for best results.
On my next date, I implemented a “no-cell-phones” policy. I told my date up-front that I hated it when people texted in front of me and asked if we could try turning our phones off during dinner. As we approached the new sushi restaurant I was dying to try, we switched our phones off and placed them in my purse. I actually learned a lot about him, since we were free to talk over our seaweed salad and sashimi. We laughed at his inability to use chopsticks, snickered at our waiter’s attempt to pick him up, and decided to continue our date with a late night showing of X-Men: First Class. On our way to the movies, we both checked our phones for any missed calls, then returned them to our pockets. I found that I didn’t miss my Facebook or Twitter trolling one bit. We’re going out again next Saturday; who knows, we might even leave our phones at home!