So, as we all know, today is Valentine’s Day. A day when couples buy flowers and candy and eat romantic dinners. A day when single girls eat Ben and Jerry’s while watching chick flicks with their begrudgingly single friends. A day when some thank god they are single and celebrate the fact that they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to buy useless crap for. A day when those not yet in an exclusive relationship may or may not confusedly “hang out” with their hook up buddy. It’s also a day when a lot of us awkward William & Mary students have gotten ourselves into pretty embarrassing or confusing situations…So if you’re one of those who can’t stand Valentine’s Day, or even if you can, this article is just an excuse to laugh at a holiday that conjures images of not only love, but one dollar greeting cards, over-sized teddy bears, and a pretty shoddy attempt at making an American Love Actually.
So instead of trying to tune out your roommate and her man exchanging gifts and obnoxious smooches, here are some Valentine’s Day horror stories and some pretty hilarious (and educational!) Do’s and Don’ts:
“I had a crush on a close guy friend during college, so I was really excited when he asked me to come over to watch a movie on V-Day. I arrived at his dorm room with a handwritten poem that confessed how much I liked him. After I read it, he said, “That’s nice,” and promptly started the movie, Reservoir Dogs. It was clear by the first gunshot that romance was not on his mind. I was heartbroken and had to watch a gruesome, violent movie with no chance of cuddling with my crush” —Ashley, 28 (Cosmopolitan)
Oops…talk about the getting the wrong impression. If you have an unrequited love for someone, admitting it on Valentine’s day is a big DON’T, unless your positive they feel the same and it’s going to be the cutest thing ever. Still, even then it’s not a good idea. If you play it cool, maybe your guy will step up to the plate, leaving you with the ball in your court and a pretty big ego boost. All in all though avoiding one-on-one hangouts with male friends (who may end up getting the wrong idea) or prospective dates on this day is probably a pretty safe DO.
“The guy I’d been dating, Clay, was totally MIA on Valentine’s Day. At first I was worried, but after not hearing from him all day I started to get pissed. That night I got a call from the county jail, asking me to accept a collect call from…Clay! He had stolen his parents’ brand-new car and they reported it to the police. Even though I have a thing for bad boys, I broke up that loser the next day.” —Rachel, 22 (Cosmopolitan)
What is worse than dating a loser? Paying $1,000 to get that loser out of jail ON Valentine’s Day, for the dumbest crime ever. If you’re boyfriend is stupid enough to get arrested for something like this or for ANYTHING on Valentine’s Day, DO make him spend the night in jail, DON’T pay for his bail, and DO dump him immediately. And YES the capital letters in that sentence are necessary.
“My fave V.D? When I found out a contracted VD from my date. Oh, the
irony!!” –Steven (NYTimes)
…Um ew. If the awkward emotions and unrealistic expectations aren’t enough to stop you from getting busy on Valentine’s Day, the obvious DO is to be safe as to avoid this and any other nasty STDs.
“A high school boyfriend whom I had been dating for about two weeks gave me a Bible. To make the gift worse, it was a ‘teen study’ Bible with a ‘new’ translation, which was completely different from what my religion used. He also added an inscription comparing his feelings for me to the stories of love in the Bible. It was completely inappropriate for two weeks of dating. The whole thing completely, totally creeped me out. I broke up with him that evening. Yes, on Valentine’s Day.”– Emily, California
This is just creepy and awkward. If you’ve only been dating someone for two weeks, this holiday is confusing enough. Add religious love stories and a gift that totally crosses the line and it makes for a pretty disastrous combo. DON’T buy serious gifts or get too comfortable when you’re only two weeks into the relationship…especially if you’re in high school….and if it’s a BIBLE. I mean exchanging viewpoints on religion is eventually ok but on Valentine’s Day two weeks in? Really, dude? Apparently nothing says romance like stoning people to death and the plague.
“Valentine’s Day, I called my boyfriend at college to see if he got my flowers and another woman answered the phone — at 8 am” (NYTimes)
I’m sure she got the “she was drunk and just passed out here” excuse as well. Not that anyone should be calling anyone at 8 am (so early!! Definitely a don’t in our book…) but, finding out your boyfriend is cheating on Valentine’s Day is probably one of the worst things that could happen. Even if you’re single today, just think, at least this young lady from the NY Times poll isn’t you.
Well, if these little quips made you feel a lot better about your life, depressed you, made you laugh, or just made you think “sucks to be you” then this article was a success. So if you’re sad or lonely on Valentine’s Day, just think it could be A LOT worse…you could be suck at a Bible reading suffering from a V.D. next to the girl that woke up at your boyfriend’s apartment. Happy Valentine’s ladies!