Before I started writing this, as a woman I could not even begin to completely comprehend the dynamics of male friendships. After writing this, I can safely say that I still don’t, and probably never will. The interactions I’ve witnessed between the few men in my life and their own guy friends intrigues me, as over and over again I have begun to notice just how different their experiences are from my own.
It can be quite amusing eavesdropping on my mother attempting to question my brother about a time with his friends. The conversations often go a little like this:
“How are your friends doing? How’s Jeff, did he get that internship? How’s Collin’s sister liking college?”
“Uh, I don’t know”
“…. but you just spent all day with them.”
“What’s that got to do with it?”
Listening to these interactions always makes me laugh because I feel my mother’s frustration. It can be difficult for us to grasp or make sense of the male style of socializing. What do they talk about then, if not their personal lives? I have since learned that this is actually a prevalent trend that represents a studied difference between male-male and female-female friendships. Women build relationships through intimacy, sharing feelings and secrets, and talking. It is therefore important for us to find people that we can trust enough to share vulnerable aspects of ourselves. Conversely, men are much less likely to exchange important information about what is happening in their lives, their struggles, or their emotions. They build and maintain friendships through doing activities together. It is through the process of sharing experiences or events that they build their own version of meaningful relationships.
These types of friendships are often more casual, which allows men to have a wider group of people they consider close friends because each one has less depth. Women invest in deeper relationships, which may reduce the number but improve the intimacy of the friendships. They look at their close friends as confidants and for support. It boils down to differences not just in general preferences for types of friendships, but in how the two genders qualify a “close” friend. In fact, it is not uncommon for a man to go extended periods of time without any contact with someone and still consider them a dependable friend they can trust. Women tend to put more effort into maintaining and keeping in touch with their relationships. Without regular contact with someone she considers a close friend, a woman is much more likely than a man to assume they have grown apart and that the friendship is, more or less, over.
While partially due to biological differences these observed trends did not arise purely through fundamental distinctions between the genders. There are social pressures that have caused the noticeable difference. Although we are making progress, there is still a societal stigma surrounding the way men interact with each other: the construct of masculinity teaches boys to camouflage sensitivity in order to avoid appearing effeminate. Furthermore, it is usually only socially acceptable to talk about emotional topics with romantic partners, platonic female friends, or female family members.
It is important to keep in mind that these comments are extreme generalizations. In fact, personality, for example level of introversion or extroversion, is nearly as or potentially even more important in determining friendship dynamics than gender alone. Nevertheless, these are still researched trends that I have noticed appear in my own life. By understanding the gender differences in friendships, it has helped me to better communicate and interact with my male friends and family. It has forced me to reevaluate those relationships because I know that slight indifference or distancing is typical for men with their other friends. I have come to realize I am no less important to them because of it. I hope this can help you, as did me, to understand a little bit better how friendships express themselves among each of the predominant genders, as well as allow you to apply it to enhance your own relationships.