Breaking Toxic Patterns in the Latinx Community

While there are beautiful sides of the Latinx community, there are also dark sides that women have to fight against. Even though these issues are changing among a large part of the community, some women still grow up hearing these statements that don’t help break the toxic patterns placed by older generations. 

1. “You’re a lady so you should know how to cook and clean.”

Imagine having to learn basic life skills because of your gender. Wouldn’t that make you mad? This statement is often heard multiple times by many females in the Hispanic community. Back in our families’ countries, our moms learned these basic skills not to ensure they’re fit for adulthood but more to be able to marry.

2. “If you don’t know how to cook then no one is going to want to marry you.”

No man wanted to marry a woman who didn’t know how to cook or clean. Men grew up being pampered by their moms and expected to receive the same treatment from their wives. Growing up, I was encouraged to learn this basic skill so I could become “wife material”. My uncles would encourage me as well, saying, “You can finally get married.” These statements created a hatred for cooking. To this day I don’t like cooking, since I associate it with these statements and see this skill as me fueling the toxic mindset that all women need to know how to cook. I’ve met a handful of women who don’t know how to cook, and when I was younger I would’ve judged them due to these statements clouding my mind. Now I know that it’s okay to not know how to cook. Still, if someone is reluctant to learn skills because they’re rebelling against these gender roles, it’s important to dissociate the two. Our families also need to understand how toxic these statements are. 

I have two younger sisters, and as the eldest, I try to remind them that cooking and cleaning are life skills that they’ll need for themselves, not for any man. If a man requires these skills in a partner then he needs to realize he’s also part of the problem. Both men and women should learn to cook and clean. 

3. “Men should be served first at the dinner table.”

Years ago, men were the sole provider for a household, and due to this, they were expected to be served food first. I grew up watching my mom always serve my dad and uncles first. I also formed this habit as I grew up. Once I became more self-aware, I understood that my dad worked hard to provide for us but my mom equally worked hard. She became a stay-at-home mom when she had my sister. While my dad went out to make money, she stayed home to ensure the house wouldn’t turn into chaos. She kept our household together. Now, she works hard as well so I serve my mom and sisters before I serve the men in my household. This might not be a big issue to some but these small remarks are the stem from a larger issue in our community.

4. “Your place is at home.”

When I was younger, I would see my mom work long hours picking up shifts at different locations. When she had my sister, my dad was stubborn and would not support her working. He wanted her home because “a woman’s place is at home.” This statement does not just apply to Latina women but also women in general. We would think that Latinos would break away from this mindset, however, the older generation still has a hard time adapting to modern times. I see the toxicity of this statement more when a Latina woman becomes pregnant. She is expected to give up her career to become a mom. If she doesn’t then she is seen as a bad mom or as a woman who doesn’t care about her household. This shouldn’t be the case since men can continue working when they become a father. They’re not expected to drop everything to be with their newborn. It takes two to create a life, therefore a woman shouldn’t have to give up part of her life.

5. “Family should always be your priority.”

This statement doesn’t seem toxic, right? However, it’s a statement that is often used as manipulation within households. I’m sure the older generations saw this as something endearing. The Latino community tends to be very family-oriented, which isn’t bad but when it keeps people from forming their own lives and identities that’s when it becomes toxic. This statement holds so much power over Latinas especially when they are at a young age. Family is important, but so is having the liberty of discovering who they are as individuals. 

As the eldest, I had to pick up responsibilities and say no to hanging out and living my life because I had to put my family first. When I moved away for college, I often found myself feeling guilty for my decisions. I didn’t allow myself to form an identity away from my family until I was 18 which made every decision I made from then on feel wrong. It amazed me how a statement had the power to control my decisions until I didn’t let it. Even now, I often find myself feeling guilty for going out instead of spending time with my family. Family is important but so is spending time with others who may not be family by blood. Toxic standards towards women aren’t just a problem of the Latino community, these standards can be seen across different communities.

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• latina