When I was a kid, I thought that murder happened in dark, slimy alleyways in the middle of the night by villains so evil I could barely picture them.
When I grew up I realised that I could get killed just for being a woman, and heard the advice most other women have heard – don’t go out by yourself at night, don’t wear valuables, don’t drink too much, don’t dress wrong.
But murder and other crimes that endanger women, such as rape and assault, have been happening so often to young women by men – men they know, men they are meant to trust, and men that are meant to keep them safe. 18-year-old Megan Newton was killed by her school friend in Stoke-on-Trent in 2020, someone that she trusted and was kind to, and yet the magical advice didn’t save her.
This is one of many tragedies across the world. Some people assume that those who didn’t follow the magical advice were, to some extent, to blame for what happened to them. This is obviously a horrifying belief, for women should be able to dress however they want and go out at whatever time they want without worrying about a man.
Besides – Sarah Everard was killed by a police officer, a figure of authority that we are meant to trust. He used his power to arrest her and lead her to her death. Sabina Nessa was killed in a public park. So even if we are following the magical advice, why are we being killed?
It gets to a point where you realise that it’s impossible to tell which man is genuinely kind, and which is going to commit atrocities. No amount of advice can save you then. Being a woman means attracting danger. This includes trans women, who have increased risks of being accosted by transphobes. According to WHO, 1 in 3 women globally experience violence.
This is why we should stop expecting women to change their behaviours to facilitate men’s violent tendencies, and instead look at the problem: men.
Not addressing this leaves us to feel insecure about walking anywhere no matter the time of day, and to feel terrified when we encounter a man. People like Sabina Nessa, who was simply walking to meet a friend at around 8:30 pm, will die.
Why do people choose to focus on what women should do instead of what men shouldn’t do? I believe it comes back to the toxically masculine belief that men cannot help themselves and that they are inherently violent. And when you get it into a boy’s head from a young age that he can be excused from any aggressive outbursts he may have, and that women are genetically inferior, it manifests in violence against women. Then you give the boy a powerful job like a police officer and an unlimited amount of second chances despite his nickname of ‘The Rapist‘.
It’s easier to scare women into dressing conservatively and keeping a self-imposed curfew than to change these deep-rooted behaviours. Especially if, say, a boy’s father is violent. Then violence becomes a part of the boy’s idea of a relationship.
If we want to regain women’s safety, then that is where we start.