Humans Somehow Shocked To Discover Humans Are Actually the Planet’s Deadliest Species

 As the climate crisis worsens, (Republican) humans around the world (the United States) are (not really) shocked to discover their own species is in fact the deadliest on earth, rather than, like, sharks or something.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical, meaning it is not meant to be read as fact. Satire is protected under the First Amendment’s freedom clause, which means the author has the Constitutional right to critique through parody. All “quotes” and statements attributed to any of the persons mentioned in this article are purely fictitious and not meant as defamation or slander.

Last week the New York Times reported that United States officials declared 22 animal species and one plant species officially extinct, and warned that the global biodiversity is threatened to depreciate further over time at an alarming rate. The crisis has been attributed to human-caused damage to the environment.

Industrial processes such as coal-burning, mining, oil spillage, deforestation, messing with sh*t that shouldn’t be messed with, and fracking are officially killing our planet. Still, the human species and its representatives have lately been astonished to discover that even though we’ve caused all that damage, sharks, snakes and/or bears really aren’t deadlier than us. 

Reports of this kind are nothing new; scientists and worldwide government officials have warned of the snowballing damage to the planet caused by humans since the dawn of the Industrial Age, when air and water pollution and fossil fuel burning started changing the environment. 

Later on, after the invention and commercial popularization of CFCs, damage to the ozone layer commenced as well, preceding the current climate crisis that’s led to drought, glacial melt, and intense storms.

All of these human actions have become deadly to the global flora and fauna, and in a lot of cases, other humans. 

When asked about their role in this nearly irreversible damage, a representative of the executive board of ExxonMobil, one of the world’s biggest oil and gas companies/climate terrorists, said “We really had no idea of the damage our disregard for the natural environment has been doing.”

Fracking makes a lot of money. Burning fossil fuels makes a lot of money. Drilling for oil in the goddamn ocean makes a lot of money. And it gets b*tches. You know who doesn’t get money and b*tches? Climate scientists.

-Richard Meyer, AGA Executive

Pushed for the cause of their somehow total ignorance of the situation, the board had this to say:

“We sincerely apologize for having no clue that we’re killing the planet. We thought the climate scientists were just jealous of us and spreading rumors. Apparently, we were wrong. Still, the entire board can honestly afford to just build rockets and evacuate to space if need be, so, we probably won’t help the rest of you. Sorry (but not really).”

Despite their feigned sincerity, ExxonMobil has been heading the fight to prevent any climate action legislation, lobbying being the scenes for politicians to just  “Pretend you don’t know lol 🙈”, as seen in an email from ExxonMobil’s head of the commercial division, Global W. Arming to several U.S. Republican state governors and literally every Republican below the Mason-Dixon line. 

The Governor of Arkansas, Asa Hutchinson, replied-all “LOL. Bet 💀.” and then added Warming on LinkedIn. The motives of all of these individuals are surprisingly clear, money and hoes. Richard Meyer, a high-ranking executive for the American Gas Association, while on rich people cocaine, had this to say:

 “Okay, just hear me out. We totally understand why people would be concerned with climate change. HOWEVER, no wait, seriously, listen for a second! Consider this: fracking makes a lot of money. Burning fossil fuels makes a lot of money. Drilling for oil in the goddamn ocean makes a lot of money. And it gets b*tches. You know who doesn’t get money and b*tches? Climate scientists. Those dorks are so worried about not destroying the Earth that they aren’t focused on what’s important in life. Racks and hoes.”

 This behavior from those that stand to benefit from the worsening climate situation is despicable, if not surprising. Money, power, and hoes are all drugs. Unfortunately, ExxonMobil and the rest of the businessmen, politicians, and businessman-politicians are hooked.

For those of you also super depressed by this revelation, fear not. There is a way to combat the effort to put greed over the welfare of our planet: read the damn news. 

If you are truly concerned about getting involved in the fight against climate change and its consequences, you can find ways to participate at the following websites:

U.S. Global Change Research Program: https://www.globalchange.gov/ 

Union of Concerned Scientists: https://www.ucsusa.org/climate 

United Nations Climate Action: https://www.un.org/en/climatechange 

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change: https://www.ipcc.ch/ 

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