This is something I do not want to admit because I make my friends read my articles, but I also know my friends already knew this about me and have just been polite enough to never call me out on it. I know nothing about sports. Like at all. I was a dancer growing up and I was too shy to play soccer (which coincidentally is a) the sport that is easiest to understand for me and b) the sport Americans do not care about at all). As a result, I know team names, I know key players (and a few extra players on the teams I root for), but I actually have no idea what any sport terms mean and could not explain the rules of a single sport flawlessly, and normally that’s okay!
But this is the time of the year where the big three sports (basketball, football and baseball) are all in the news and I legitimately am struggling. Have you ever been the only teenage girl working in retail around men who love to talk football? Because I have. It sucks and I feel dumb. There’s an easy solution to this issue which is literally just reading three articles or asking my dad how each sport works. Unfortunately, that requires me either reading three articles, or admitting to my dad that I have no idea how sports work. So instead, I have a handy little guide to talk about sports when you know nothing about sports.
Basketball
Let’s start with basketball. Since I go to KU, basketball is something that I do care about. Since I also live in Kansas, my life is easier because I only have to focus on college basketball, rather than an NBA team. I’ve liked KU basketball since I was little, and I’ve always made a bracket for March Madness and always enjoyed watching March Madness (even when KU isn’t playing). So I consider myself an okay college basketball fan. For college basketball remember the following teams: KU, Duke, Gonzaga, UCLA, Baylor, UNC, Kentucky, Iowa, Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech and Michigan. These aren’t necessarily the best teams, (especially because some of the teams on here weren’t even in the Elite Eight) but they are the teams that I see in the news a lot.
For March Madness, there are certain rounds, and the order is obvious but just know these ones because I’m like 80 percent sure these are the ones you’re supposed to care about. They are, in order:
- Selection Sunday
- Sweet Sixteen (this comes after a few rounds)
- Elite Eight
- Final Four
- Championship Game
There are 68 teams that play in March Madness but literally who cares. On to the NBA!
The NBA does not matter to me because I live in a state with no basketball teams nearby. We had the Kansas City Kings but then it moved. I’ll still explain what you need to know.
Players You Need To Know:
- Lebron James (Lakers) – He’s really good but apparently you can’t SAY that. Also kinda old
- Kevin Durant (Nets) – Has funny tweets, is also kinda old. Hurt himself last year
- Kyrie Irving (Nets) – Is interesting on Twitter, won’t get vaccinated, pretty fun to watch though
- Steph Curry (Warriors) – Has cute kids, I think everyone likes him as a player from what I’ve seen, has a brother named Seth.
- Giannis Antetokounmpo (Bucks) – He’s from Greece!!!!
- Nikola Jokić (Nuggets) – He’s from Serbia, was MVP last year.
Teams You Need To Know:
Ideally you should know all of them so here are some tips to remember some of the names:
- Texas has three teams: Houston Rockets (think NASA), Dallas Mavericks (both can be boy names that an influencer would name their kid), San Antonio Spurs (both start with S)
- Literally every team in the Pacific division except for the Phoenix Suns (get it because Arizona is a desert) are from California. The Clippers are NOT in New York (they are in LA) as I thought they were until literally three months ago. Sacramento Kings stole it from KC. Then there’s the Golden State Warriors, because California … is the golden state.
- Oklahoma City Thunder is for some reason in the Northwest division. Think tornadoes. Another Midwest team is the Minnesota Timberwolves, which is also in the Northwest division. Timberwolves = Timberland boots = cold weather = Minnesota.
- The only Canadian team is the Toronto Raptors. Rap + Tor. Rap = Drake (Canadian), Drake goes on TOURS, TORonto.
- Florida teams: Miami Heat (because Miami is hot), and Orlando Magic (because Disney World)
- Washington Wizards is not in the state of Washington. It is in Washington D.C. Please remember that before you question why it’s in the same division as the Florida teams, Atlanta and Charlotte.
Positions in Basketball
- Point guard: apparently the shortest player? Maybe that means that they’re quick. Pass the ball a lot. In the front.
- Shooting Guard: Since they’re good at shooting I guess they’re behind the three-point line.
- Small Forward: They do the most according to Wikipedia. They’re in the very back, they can shoot far but also pass a lot I think.
- Power Forward: For some reason they’re in front of the small forward. They guard a lot of taller players.
- Center: They are in the center. Duh. Super tall.
Football
College football season is over I think, but what you need to know is that Alabama teams are usually very very good and this year Texas A&M beat one of the Alabama teams which was a Big Deal. I think in general college football is way bigger in the South than anywhere else. The NFL is what we need to understand.
Players You Need To Know:
Tom Brady is like the main character but since I am a Chiefs fan I do not like Tom Brady. Tom Brady played for the Patriots, but then the Patriots coach was mean to him so now he plays for the Bucs, who won the Super Bowl last year. Something that makes every old person who roots for the Chiefs laugh is when you claim Tom Brady cheats. Logically I know he didn’t cheat and he is just a really good player but I say that joke to every Chiefs fan and I get a positive response so I’ll keep saying it. Patrick Mahomes is really the only player I care about. He has a little brother named Jackson that every devoted football fan hates (but he seems fine?), so just know that.
Other players you might need to know:
- Aaron Rodgers (Packers): Everything I know about this man I’ve learned against my will. I know he doesn’t like his family, and he is engaged to Shailene Woodley. Apparently has violated COVID restrictions.
- Russell Wilson (Seahawks): You probably don’t need to know him but I just love him because he and Ciara are so cute. He is such a good dad. Future WISHES
- Aaron Donald (Rams): Won Defensive Player of the Year three times. I know nothing about him but he was ranked pretty high on every list I read. I asked three boys to name ten players they really like and they all mentioned him.
- Travis Kelce (Chiefs): He is a tight end. That’s all I have to say about him which is unfortunate because he is also one of the only players I care about. Sorry Travis
Teams You Need To Know:
- Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay Packers: The oldest NFL rivalry. Lizzo gave a shoutout to the Vikings in a song and now whenever it plays in Wisconsin, it’s censored.
- Kansas City Chiefs: Not only is it the team that I’ve rooted for since I was young, but they went from being really really bad (I couldn’t name one good season we had until I was in high school), to being really good. Some people hate them now because they won ONE Super Bowl, but I do not care. It’s also not bandwagoning if you’ve cheered for them when they sucked and now they’re doing good. They are located in Missouri, NOT Kansas, but I still consider them our team too :(.
- New England Patriots (based in Boston): They were really good and now they’re irrelevant but it’s important to remember how annoying the fans were up until Tom Brady left.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tom Brady’s new team. The 2021 Super Bowl winners. They weren’t very good but now they are because of Tom Brady. I don’t know if that’s correct but I think it is.
In general, AFC teams are better than NFC teams. That’s probably not super accurate but I like the AFC teams better. In the Super Bowl, one AFC team will go against an NFC team. It’s technically not fair because that doesn’t mean the two best teams are playing against each other, it means the best team from each division is playing each other. That really annoys me but whatever.
Positions in Football
There’s offense (offensive line, backs and receivers), then there’s defense (defensive line, backs), and then there’s kickers.
- Quarterback: Main character. Offense, located behind the line of scrimmage (whatever that means). Does all the work practically
- Running Back: Offense. Behind the offensive line. There are two types of running backs, the tailback (or the halfback), and the fullback. Fullback > Tailback.
- Wide Receiver: Offense. On one end of the scrimmage line. They try to get open for passes
- Tight End: Offense. On the other end of the scrimmage line. They block people
- Center: Offensive Line. They’re the people who pass the ball to the quarterback, (which I’m pretty sure then causes the quarterback to yell HUT)
- Offensive Guard: Offensive Line. Each offensive guard will line up on each side of the center, and will block plays.
- Offensive Tackle: Offensive Line. Two tackles will be besides the offensive guards.
- Defensive Tackle: Defensive Line. Center of the defensive line, will attack players
- Defensive Ends: Defensive Line. On either side of the tackle
- Linebackers: Defense. There are two linebackers, middle linebackers and outside linebackers. They block the Running Backs
- Defensive Backs: Defense. Cornerbacks go against the receivers. The Safety stands closer to the line of scrimmage. According to Wikipedia, there are nickelbacks (like the band!!) and dimebacks which is adorable because quarterback is also a thing. I love coin puns.
- Kicker: This is supposed to be some type of “special position.” At my high school, the guy who was the kicker was also on the soccer team. We were really good at soccer but really bad at football so I’m not sure how helpful it was.
- Punter: Punts.
- Holder: Holds the ball (seriously)
- Returners: Returns the ball
- Gunners and Jammers: They fight
Baseball
I used to really like baseball, especially because the Kansas City Royals won the World Series when I was in 7th grade, but now I don’t really follow it at all. I don’t know anything about the teams, but I actually do understand how baseball works (it is running in a circle). There are so many sports that are just the Walmart version of baseball. Baseball has a lot of culture and history behind it which is why a lot of people consider it America’s national sport.
College baseball does not matter whatsoever, it’s only the MLB. So that makes our lives easier.
Teams You Need To Know
- New York Yankees and the New York Mets: The Subway Series refers to games that are played between these two teams. People love these teams
- Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox: Not the same team
- Houston Astros: Did really well this year
- Chicago Cubs: The better Chicago team I’m pretty sure
There are other important teams but I feel like baseball teams are super easy to remember because they are all really old and are all super famous.
Players You Need To Know
I don’t really know baseball players so I’m just looking up the top ten baseball players of the 2021 season according to ESPN. Here they are:
- Mike Trout (Los Angeles Angels)
- Mookie Betts (Los Angeles Dodgers)
- Juan Soto (Washington Nationals): I actually know who this guy is! He should be number one simply because I am aware of who he is.
- Ronald Acuña Jr. (Atlanta Braves)
- Gerrit Cole (New York Yankees)
- Jacob deGrom (New York Mets): Literally why is his last name lowercase, should it not be DeGrom??
- Freddie Freeman (Braves)
- Fernando Tatis Jr. (San Diego Padres)
- Christian Yelich (Milwaukee Brewers)
- Francisco Lendor (Mets)
Baseball Positions
- Pitcher: Pitches the ball
- Catcher: Catches the ball that the pitcher just threw, if the person that’s up to bat doesn’t hit it
- First Baseman: Infield Position
- Second Baseman: Infield Position
- Third Baseman: Infield Position
- Shortstop: Between second and third base. Infield position
- Left Fielder: Outfield Position
- Center Fielder: Outfield Position
- Right Fielder: Outfield Position
Baseball is so simple. If only I watched it.