Content Warning: relapse, death
Every day you are just a heartbeat, a moment, a glimpse away.
But your soul is not mine to prey on, so I keep my demons at bay.
I lie in wait in the wings of the stage,
Watching you perform the art of ballet.
You’re the Black swan, the White swan, and I’m just the corps
Trying to determine who you are at your core.
When you dance like that do you forget how your muscles ache and burn
Because you burn for the passion of performance as on your tiptoe you turn?
Do your arms forget all of the lovers you once held
Because you are at your peaceful place in the world?
Would you open your heart to let others in,
Or like the audience can I only ever see the façade of your skin?
That belongs to your characters?
Is every expression you make really even yours?
One day I imagine you’ll look at me the way you look at the audience on stage:
With utmost appreciation and love for their gaze.
Until then, I’ll keep my lonely heart in the shadows
And pray you don’t know
That I would give anything to dance a duet with you.
…Unless—what if you wanted to dance a duet with me too?
…
We had a fairytale ending…
Everything was perfect
From the moment we walked down the aisle.
And you always knew just how to make me
Burst into a smile.
You made me a latte with condensed milk every day.
You loved when I laughed at how you hated it that way.
You made it for me anyway.
For me, you’d do anything
And I gave you everything.
When you went out horseback riding,
I should have known that you had never had lessons.
Every day I was home alone
While a witch must have put a curse on me because I thought
I was in love with a prince instead of being lied to by a toad.
I could not believe what my nightmares were telling me
Until I saw the lipstick on your cheek
When you didn’t notice I wasn’t asleep.
When you finally slipped into slumber at last,
I left my ring on the counter and a note about the past.
It was just a glimpse of the story.
All it read was:
“For me, all my dreams were drained away.
For you, it was just another Tuesday.”
This fairytale ending looks Grimm today.
…
You were broken when we met.
I could tell by the way you couldn’t meet me in the eyes,
Even when I complimented your beautiful smile.
I didn’t mind the damage because I had some of my own
So, I opened up my heart, and I brought you home.
You couldn’t take the proximity.
You wouldn’t stay close to me.
I always wondered
Where did broken hearts go?
And I guess on the 25th of December
I got my answer.
When hearts break, they don’t stay home.
Yours took your keys, your things, the car,
And hit the road.
I guess I’ll never know where you ended up.
Because my broken heart also escaped on the highway
Running away from love.
…
It was a cold winter day.
I went somewhere warm.
Your cold heart turned me to stone, and when I broke
I went somewhere unknown.
You left me lying in the snow.
It was Christmas Eve, and I had nowhere to go
But back down memory lane
Thinking of the moments when you would never dare cause me pain.
But something changed
As I watched you drive away,
Desperately fleeing the scene of your crime.
Maybe one of us could escape the broken-hearted fate.
You had relapsed on that cold winter day.
I prayed hard for Jesus to take the wheel,
But my prayers went unanswered just as I could no longer feel
My legs and my chest as everything faded to black.
I trembled as I looked at that fallen tree
With miniature white angels blocking my view from watching you crash and burn again.
I smelled the fire and smoke and as it filled my lungs
The frost faded away.
Was I going to heaven or hell on this cold broken-hearted day?
…
I had a nightmare again last night
Where we were back together.
You told me you still loved me and that you would never leave me.
You kissed me gently to wipe away my tears of trouble from hard years.
No one understood me as you did.
You turned on classical music in your room because you knew
It would help me write.
You slept on the couch because you knew I liked a space just mine.
You bought me a puppy to keep me company when you were gone.
You did more than you ever did because you knew I deserved better
Then before. That was all before.
I woke up crying because it wasn’t real.
You were still as gone as the day you walked out three years ago.
I reached for my puppy and remembered you took him with you.
I slept on the couch now because the bed reminded me of you.
The pages of love stories I wrote were scattered around
With no more inspiration for love to be found.
No one had wiped the tears off my face
And this was reflected by the ugly, puffy stains.
No one understood me. Especially not you.
You didn’t love me
And you just left.
And the nightmares remind me that you broke my heart to death.
No dreamcatcher can keep you at bay.
I’ve tried to forget,
But it is impossible for a heart to unbreak.
…
Broken hearts either hit the road to drive away or go back down memory lane…
Either way, they go down the road to seek another heartbreak.