As I sit in the Amtrak waiting area to catch the 21 Texas Eagle back to my residence hall, I can’t help but wonder when St. Louis became my home. I’m also wondering when my childhood home in Chicago, IL became a place I only go to visit.
Back in high school I thought I would come home from school frequently. Due to COVID-19, this wasn’t the case. As a freshman I stayed at school for almost the entire fall semester. I went home for Christmas and then returned for a majority of the spring semester. I always thought I would come home for the entire summer my freshman and sophomore years. However, I got a summer job in St. Louis, and I stayed for all but three weeks of summer break in St. Louis.
I’ve noticed that when I go home now, it only feels like a visit. I no longer have a permanent place to be. At school I move from residence hall to residence hall and I know I will eventually leave to go live in an apartment. St. Louis may be where I spend a majority of my time, and Saint Louis University may feel like my home, but I don’t have a permanent home anymore.
I’ve struggled over the past few months to name this feeling: living somewhere, but not considering that place home. What is preventing my college campus from being my home? And more importantly, why do I always expect the feeling of being home in Chicago, where I spend only eight weeks of the year?
My first thoughts take me to family. I don’t have family in St. Louis, and everyone I miss and love is in Chicago. However, when I visit them at home, I don’t feel any different. My second thought is that I don’t love St. Louis as much as I let on. This doesn’t make sense either though, because every time I’m in Chicago, I look forward to being in St. Louis again.
I think there are two issues here. The first is that I didn’t go home a lot freshman year. I ended up growing apart from a lot of my close friends. The people I made my favorite memories with are no longer a big part of my life. I only have a few close friends to visit with when I’m in Chicago, and because I don’t see them regularly, it only feels like a visit to catch up.
The second issue is my lack of consistency while on campus. Coming in during the peak of COVID-19 caused my freshman year to be quite unusual. I made a lot of friends, but there was always a threat of being sent home early if the pandemic got too bad. I never got to feel like I lived here freshman year and before I knew it, the year was over and I was moving into a new residence hall.
I feel like a lot of college students may relate to one or both of these issues I’m facing. I’ve found it most beneficial to be grateful for what is consistent in my life and work towards rebuilding connections with the people I love back in Chicago. I won’t have the consistency of physical living space for a while, so finding other places to receive support has been essential. My friends here in St. Louis and back home and my family have made staying in between two places much easier. Their support and love has guided me through some of the uncomfortable feelings of lacking a permanent space to call my own.
Overall, I think finding the patience to see St. Louis as my home (even if it’s only for a little while) and Chicago as a place I will always have a home will help me find my place again.