I consider myself a relationship person – I’ve been in relationships since I was 15, and the longest I’d been single had only been three months. It’s alarming to admit to myself, and I seldom wonder whether I’m truly myself or a version of someone in conjunction with my partner. Who am I apart from them, and does that person even exist?
If you’ve read any of my previous articles, you’d know that I’m a very passive person. I tend to go with the flow and rarely set my foot down. This goes hand in hand with my relationships – if my partner wanted to do something, regardless of whether I wanted to or not, I would almost always comply. I wasn’t setting boundaries, and only acted in the best interest of my partner and my partner alone. I had become someone I thought was ideal for my partner by merging our identities together to force a perfect fit. I was essentially losing myself.
For instance, I found it incredibly difficult to be away from my partner; I was becoming dependent on their attention and tried to incorporate them into every aspect of my every-day life. Furthermore, small disagreements took a heavy toll on me, as if we weren’t allowed to disagree on anything, ever. I also didn’t prioritize my time with friends and wanted to spend all my free time with my partner instead. But most importantly, I had forgotten how to spend time with myself. Instead of relishing in my alone time, I would constantly wonder when I would be able to see my partner next.
I knew I was losing myself and I was desperate to regain my sense of individuality. I wanted to feel like myself again, but not at the cost of losing my current partner and our relationship. Here are some ways I did so:
Setting boundaries.
Putting my foot down was the first step in maintaining individuality. I respected my wants and needs as a person and communicated them to my partner. Once I established my boundaries, I was able to sever myself from my dependency to them.
Connecting with my hobbies and interests, alone.
Instead of sharing everything I did with my partner, I indulged in my personal hobbies and interests alone. I would still partake in the many common hobbies and interests my partner and I shared, but I would also make an effort to enjoy other activities apart from them, on my own time.
Spending time with family and friends.
I would try to initiate plans with my friends to engage in conversations and create new memories apart from my partner. I would also go home to see my family, whom have been a part of my life regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not. This further reinforced that I have a life outside of my partner.
Respecting that my partner has a life outside the relationship.
Through understanding and encouraging my partner to pursue their own hobbies apart from me, I was able to recognize and value our differences, further severing my dependency on them.
Through my experience, preserving individuality is possible in a relationship, and it not only strengthens your bond with yourself, but also your relationship with your partner. It is important that your partner honours your individuality away from the relationship as well. Maintaining a strong sense of independence in a relationship allows for…
Healthy communication.
When my partner and I are truly ourselves, there’s no room for dishonesty to appease the other. Disagreements now act as an opportunity to understand my partner as their own person, rather than something that could tear us down.
An interesting relationship.
Through cultivating our own unique traits and characteristics, we both brought different aspects of ourselves to the relationship, teaching each other various ways to look at things, and even life in general.
Space.
Although space might sound like a bad thing, the right amount gave me time to miss my partner so the next time I saw them would be more fulfilling and worthwhile. It also allowed both of us to cultivate a sense of our identities so that we could be the best version of ourselves when we saw each other next.
My true self exists both within and outside of my relationship through maintaining individuality, but it required a lot of work and a shift in attitude. However, the benefits of doing so made the relationship between my partner and I worthwhile, and the bond with myself unbelievably strong.