Trigger Warning: This article contains discussions of sexual harassment.
I was barely fifteen years old when I went to a nightclub for the first time. Growing up in Ireland, going to nightclubs at a young age was very common. Club nights were organized for different age groups, starting at just eleven-year-olds. By the time I had turned fifteen, I was supposedly long overdue for my first night out. I did not particularly want to go, but my friends at the time insisted it would be fun. I remember the stress of finding an outfit, buying and applying makeup for the first time, and putting on copious amounts of fake tan. It was a hassle, to say the least. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, my friends a few days before the night gave me a warning. They wanted to brace me for what was about to happen when I entered the three-story nightclub that everyone my age from my city would be entering that Friday night. They told me that the boys there would potentially try to put their hands up our dresses and grope us. I was shocked by this, but my friends talked about it like it was perfectly normal. Looking back, I am disgusted that fifteen-year-olds deemed a stranger groping you okay.
I did not get groped, and neither were my friends, thankfully. I felt uncomfortable nonetheless. It took a while to feel happy enough to go back to another club. I did go again a few months later, and it was the same situation as the last time. I was overwhelmed and too scared to have fun and dance with my friends. I would come home and cry because I felt unsafe in a place full of people my age. As we got older, more people would drink before going out, and violence and harassment would become more common. I would go out less and less because I felt I was wasting my time going somewhere that ultimately I knew would leave me feeling overwhelmed.
By the time I was almost finished high school, I was more okay with going out to nightclubs again. I figured people had matured. I had also started drinking, so I would not be stone-cold sober in a room full of people on the verge of blacking out. Unfortunately, I felt the need to drink to make the nights more tolerable, but whatever helped, I was going to do it. The nights were much better than they were two years prior. I cannot say that I loved it, but I felt more at ease.
Once I got to college, I knew that going out to bars and nightclubs was the norm, so I would have to embrace it. The pandemic hit pretty quickly into my freshmen year, so I did not get much of that experience for a year and a half as Ireland refused to reopen the nightlife scene for a very long time. Coming to UConn as an exchange student for my junior year, I finally experienced the nightlife a student should have. I was apprehensive before my first night out. I was unsure what to expect in a new country. Instantly, I was put at ease, however, as I realized everyone was just another UConn student who was out to meet new people and have a good time.
I have been here for five months, and my perception has changed. On multiple occasions, my kindness has been taken for something else and has put me in positions where I had to run away or push someone off me. I have learned that just saying “no” is sometimes not enough. I have to survey my surroundings. I have to constantly shift my way around the bar or nightclub if someone is staring uncomfortably or when someone grabs my waist or my arm in an uncalled-for manner. I have even had to create a fake boyfriend in hopes that a guy will get the message and move on because saying you are not interested is not enough. Even the “boyfriend” will not stop some.
I have learned that just saying “no” is sometimes not enough
Some girls want to go out and have fun with their friends. Some nights we want to dance by ourselves and be left to do our own thing. We might find someone we are interested in and pursue that. That does not mean that every time we want that, or with any person for that matter. Young people do not know how to communicate anymore, especially about consent. Misinterpreting signals and words continue to happen, making many interactions between young people uncomfortable on one side. Many will blame it on being drunk, but that is not an excuse. No means no, nothing else. The fact that women sometimes have to push a man forcefully away or get someone else to intervene is appalling. I know many other women are like me and want to handle things by themselves. Our words should speak volumes, but instead, we are shunned and taken advantage of. There is no night that I go out where I do not worry about what might happen if I let my guard down. While UConn is a relatively small place for its nightlife scene, it does not offer as much security as one would hope. Countless times, my friends and I have ended up in uncomfortable situations. We have faced harassment by strangers and by people we thought were friendly to us. I wish I could go out one night and not be in fear. Unworried that my drink might be spiked or that my body might be manhandled. I do not want to refuse guys offering to walk me home because I know that if I let them, they will force something to come of it even though I have no such interest.
Young people do not know how to communicate anymore, especially about consent
To the men reading this, please understand that when a woman is friendly to you, it does not always mean that she is interested in anything more. Listen when we tell you “no” the first time, not after the third or fourth, or when we ultimately have to remove ourselves from the situation. Walk us home because it is the gentlemanly thing to do, not simply because you think it is a guaranteed invite to something more. Respect our personal space and our bodies. Ask for consent. If more men did these things, young women would feel more at ease at a bar or club and would not have to find ways of protecting themselves as much as we already do. I know you are not all like this, but there are enough of you out there to make us women feel weary.