Have you ever tried to push someone away without really understanding why? It’s more common than you might think. It can be frustrating to feel like you’re working against your own best interest and making yourself unhappy for no good reason. I’ve been there, and I can tell you there are good reasons for what you’re doing and that it’s a real condition. It’s called self-sabotage.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when we negatively impact our own goals. This can either be conscious or unconscious, meaning sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it. For example, say two people are in a relationship, and person A has a tendency towards jealousy. Maybe one day, person B blows off plans with person A to help out a friend in a crisis, and person A starts lashing out and becoming passive-aggressive. Person B might not be doing anything wrong, but person A is reacting negatively because of this underlying jealousy. Person A may not fully understand why they are being passive-aggressive, which makes this a form of unconscious self-sabotage. An example of conscious self-sabotage is if person A asks person B to take out the trash, and person B decides to watch tv instead of ignoring their duties and making a poor decision, even though they are aware of it.
Signs of self-sabotaging
What else could self-sabotage look like? Stina Sanders, a psychodynamic therapist points out a few possible behaviors. Here are some signs to look for.
- Low self-esteem
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Low self-esteem is a big one. If you have low-self esteem, you are more likely to subconsciously or consciously get in your own way in case something in the relationship goes wrong. You may hold off on what you think is confirmation in your belief that you aren’t capable of being loved. Maybe you refuse to even get into a relationship, even when you know your feelings are reciprocated. Sometimes the scariest thing is also what you want the most. Low self-esteem can stop you from believing in yourself enough to even try being in a relationship.
- Commitment
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Another example of self-sabotage is if you have trouble with commitment. If you don’t like making long-term plans (or even one or two months in the future), that indicates that you don’t feel as though this relationship will last that long, even when your partner has given you no reason to feel that way. Believing that your relationship won’t last isn’t going to make you or your partner feel secure in the relationship and will ultimately end up proving you right. I’m not saying you have to commit to marrying them, more like making plans to go to a concert in three weeks or asking them what they’re doing for spring break.
- Pessimism
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If you’re pessimistic, that means that you only see aspects of your life having negative outcomes. This is actually similar to the commitment issues because it will end up causing the same problems but for a different reason. This dooms your relationship from the beginning because by being pessimistic, you’re believing that your relationship has no choice but to end badly when maybe it doesn’t have to end at all. When you believe that, you’re going to exhibit behaviors that will make your partner think you want the relationship to end. If you’re acting like the relationship is just going to end, then you’re not going to believe there’s any point to it either.
- Cheating
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This one might seem obvious, but when I say cheating I mean in the past, too. Look back at that relationship and ask yourself why you cheated. Do you maybe have no idea why you did it? If there’s nothing wrong with your partner, then you may have cheated because you don’t know how to deal with something good happening to you. So you self-sabotage by cheating. It might seem strange that some people don’t know how to react to a healthy relationship, but if you’ve been in a toxic or abusive relationship, it can be difficult to adjust to a healthy relationship. There are numerous reasons why someone would feel this way. Cheating is an easy way out of a monogamous relationship because it’s a betrayal of trust and therefore an easy way to self-sabotage.
- Trust Issues
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On the flip side, trust issues can also be an excuse for self-sabotage. If you’ve been cheated on or hurt in past relationships or even friendships, you might have trust issues. It’s a coping mechanism. If you stop trusting people, you can’t be disappointed or betrayed, therefore sparing yourself the pain. However, this is also a form of self-sabotage. If you find yourself incapable of trusting your partner even when they have never been dishonest with you, you will never be fully comfortable around them, which isn’t ideal. Trust issues could mean that you’re afraid.
Why am I doing this?
If you identify with any of these signs, know that there is hope. You’re already on your way to doing better, which is acknowledging the problem. Now is the somewhat scary part, which is understanding why you’re exhibiting these signs. Maybe you were in a toxic or abusive relationship as I mentioned before. Maybe it was even a friendship. It could be anything because we are influenced by everything around us. This influence, whatever it is in your life, is probably convincing you that you don’t deserve to be happy, or that there’s no hope for a successful relationship for you.
How do I stop?
If you have mental health issues that appear to be influencing your behavior in any of these ways, don’t be afraid to ask for help. PositivePsychology.com suggests trying their self-compassion worksheets to reflect on the way you see yourself. No one should feel like they don’t deserve love because it’s never true. It’s possible that you need some time by yourself to sort out your thoughts without worrying about the feelings of your partner. Maybe you don’t even really want a relationship or at least a traditional monogamous one. Everyone is different, and there’s no end-all solution to stop self-sabotaging. Your situation could be vastly different from someone else’s, even if you both have trust issues. Recognizing this behavior is the first step, and you can use that to stay aware of self-sabotage in the future. If you find yourself falling into any of these behaviors, you can reflect, or you can talk to your partner and ask if they have been affected by your behavior, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you to find a solution that works for you.
What if this is my partner?
If you feel as though your partner self-sabotages your relationship, the important thing to remember is to bring it up in a constructive manner. Don’t try to start a fight with them. Try to calmly discuss the situation and how it makes you feel. Therapist Aid recommends using “I” statements: ‘I feel x when x because x.’ An example of this could be ‘I feel sad when you didn’t invite me to meet your friends because it makes me feel like you don’t think this relationship will last.’ Maybe talk to a relationship counselor if you’re comfortable with that. If that doesn’t work, remember that it’s not your responsibility to “fix” your partner. You’re not their therapist, and if they refuse to get help, the best thing to do might be to let them go.
Here are some helpful free therapy resources.