I heard something in a TikTok that has forever changed the way I will approach religion and spirituality: “Belief isn’t something you choose.” I really needed to hear that. I needed someone to tell me that I can’t force myself to believe in anything, and that belief happens when we are shaped by experiences.
Before I share my experiences, I would like to preface by saying this article is for anyone: for the incredibly faithful, for the unsure, and for the strong opponent. I have categorized myself as all of these at some point or another. As I said, you don’t choose what you believe. If that’s true, then religious beliefs (and I mean inherently religious doctrines) could not offend me. And I don’t intend for any of my lived experiences to offend you. I will also be talking about my experiences with Christianity, which have been both good and bad. And as for my bad experiences, they are not because of the Christian religion, but because of the way some people have treated me through their personal approach to religion. Hopefully it goes without saying, but someone’s religious identity does not correlate with how I feel about them as a person.
If any of you are familiar with the general social movement “deconstructing Christianity,” you have probably heard some of these ideas before: the way that some churches or camps will play music in a way that manipulates and elicits emotions, or the body-shaming and double standards with purity culture. There’s the claim to love everyone but still individuals who will choose to discriminate against minorities. And at the very worst, there are religious leaders who harass and abuse members, even children. These are some, but far from all of the reasons that some people choose to step away from their religion.
With that being said, there are plenty of reasons people find comfort in religion. It gives people purpose, community, routine, and peace. There is always something to strive toward. There is comfort during hard times. There are actions you can take to feel more faithful and connected to yourself in the world. When you have questions, you have an outlet to explore answers. And I don’t think anyone who desires these things is wrong or bad.
In my experience, I realized I wasn’t my authentic self because of the strict rules I was trying to follow. In this one particular environment, there were extensive rules where others would judge me for my personal behavior and political beliefs (which by the way were not uncommon or radical). For example, I know that multiple members, myself included, were silenced from having genuine conversations about sexuality and acceptance. I was shamed by peers for not fitting into their box of what a Christian was. And I still unpack religious trauma from that experience, among others.
What I have realized is that there are people who make me want to pursue faith, and there are people who make me want to distance myself from it. At the end of the day, the religious environments I found in college did not align with my values in the way I hoped. I feel most comfortable in safe spaces where there are more questions than answers and no requirements about how someone enters the space (truly a “come as you are” approach). I do not hold anything against the people who kindly ask me to return to those spaces, and I celebrate the comfort and community these people find in them. As for me, I celebrate the self-confidence I found when I stopped pressuring myself to be anyone other than myself.