I have best friends. A loving boyfriend. A close family. But that doesn’t mean I’m not subject to loneliness.
Perhaps this feeling stemmed from the fact that most of my best friends, my boyfriend and my family are all scattered all over the world – my best friends in Virginia, Massachusetts, Toronto, Washington and California, my boyfriend in College Station and my family in Seoul. Perhaps not; maybe it was just a natural response as one lost college freshman trying to figure out what to make out of this completely new environment. Whatever it is, last semester, I hit the peak of loneliness. One aspect that accelerated my mental spiral and the feeling of emptiness was social media.
I learned about social media highlight reels when I was a 7th grader and didn’t think much of it. Now I know that, now more than ever, that lesson plan was one critical life lesson. With all of my social media acquaintances posting about that halloween party they attended as a fairy, the trip to Mount Bonnell to stargaze and the charcuterie picnic dates at Zilker Park, social media promoted such an idealistic college life full of fun, glam and glory. We all know deep down that the authentic college experience isn’t all that; sometimes, it can boil down to some pictures to pose for and a last-minute caption without much meaning.
Second semester came around, and I was scurrying to do better than my first semester – the months I merely wallowed in my feelings. I actively searched for organizations to join. I hooked myself up with a routine to hit the gym. I began reaching out to my long-distance friends, boyfriend and family more often.
I ended up joining three new organizations, HerCampus being one of them. The other two include a spirit organization called Always Texas and a laboratory at Dell Medical School called OsierLab. The treadmill and the dumbbells became my new best buddies. Reconnecting with my people gave me a refreshing start, as well as the motivation to get back on track. These changes did bring back contentment, but after some thought, I realized they weren’t the prime source. My mentality was.
The last time I felt the feeling of euphoria – an innocent surge of happiness, on-cloud-nine moment – was back in the senior year of high school. I had yearned for it in my first semester. What I didn’t realize was that I was blinded by loneliness when I was capable of bringing on change for myself. With the push of the new organizations, old friends and new routines, I was able to take off that blindfold. From there, I realized that the state of my mentality was solely my decision. Redirecting my energy towards a more positive light changed everything for me. I mean, I was still spending a big chunk of my time by myself, whether that be eating, walking to classes, studying or doing my daily chores. But, being accepting of that loneliness and turning that negative feeling into a sense of euphoria for myself was what was revolutionary. Spending time alone, taking care of myself and picking myself up became my favorite pastime. Free therapy, anyone?
This self love came in many forms. I stopped ignoring the clothes I put to the side of the closet — the ones I had lost confidence wearing in the first semester. I didn’t let the gym restrict me from snacking whenever I wanted to. I also started writing again — a hobby I had loved once — and it helped me gather my thoughts. This all didn’t necessarily come out of the idea that I had to be happy and on top of my life 24/7 (which, by the way, is the “self love” that social media often promotes when in reality, it is a disguised form of extreme toxicity). More so, I wanted to let my heart do whatever it wanted to do. I just let my mind lead with the question of, “what would make me happy right now?” Try it out, it’s quite the life saver.
Me right now is the perfect representation of this article. Sitting on the South Lawn facing the State Capitol building, I’m in awe. The sunset paints slivers of purple, pink and blue that blend so beautifully upon my eyes. My Liked Songs on Spotify are humming to me. The brown sugar shaken espresso I took out from the Union sits next to me. This moment is such a turning point for me! The feminine realization that being alone doesn’t equal loneliness is immensely empowering. And I love that for me.