A lot has happened to the Pretty Little Liars in the five years since we’ve seen them. But new hairstyles and swanky careers couldn’t help them avoid the treasure trove of mistakes they insist on repeating. Given what we saw in tonight’s premiere, we’re pretty sure the ladies never learned these 13 lessons.
1. Lying for Alison is not in your best interest
As Spencer told Alison—in the most snarky of tones, we might add—early in the episode, this isn’t the playground. Therefore, Ali’s persistence in asking the ladies to lie for her yet again shouldn’t have paid off. No, the gals should’ve followed their instincts and told the court the truth about Charlotte—that they would be living in fear if she were released from the hospital, as Ali so desperately wanted. But there they went lying on her behalf, and we all know how that ended.
2. Never forget and never forgive A
Why are you even contemplating this? Why have you decided to do everything in your power to get Cece, your one-time tormenter, released? Why is Aria the only one against this? Is this even more proof that Aria is actually A?
3. Awkward run-ins with your ex are bound to happen in Rosewood
We already knew all our fave couples were on the fritz coming into this episode. But that didn’t make the Liars’ convos with Toby, Caleb or Ezra any less painful to watch.
Actually, we don’t really care that much about Ezra and Aria’s interactions because we’re still trying to figure out what happened to that girl he dated for, like, one episode before the time jump. But messing with Haleb and Spoby is just not going to cut it, I. Marlene King.
4. Girl code means so much more when you’ve survived multiple near-death experiences with your squad
For the entirety of the premiere, we couldn’t help but wonder if the show was hinting at a Caleb/Spencer hookup. As mentioned in our previous point, we will not tolerate any threats toward the established power couples that we’ve come to know and love.
5. Mona is always good for a curveball
The moment that you think you’ve got Mona figured out is the moment you’ve become too delusional to function. We thought she was the strong-willed, opinionated one who was going to make sure Charlotte stayed in the hospital. Instead, Mona spoke in her favor and ultimately her testimony—coupled with the lies told by Spencer, Hanna and Emily, at Ali’s behest—led to Cece’s release. If Mona is one thing, she’s definitely unpredictable.
6. Don’t get drunk and black out on a night when someone is obviously going to die
“So, Charlotte was released. Guess we should get blackout drunk—so drunk that we cannot remember what happened the night before.” How did this conversation not take place on screen? And, of course, the gals’ rendezvous at the former Radley Sanitarium—now the uber-chic Radley Hotel—led to a night that eerily mimicked the one we saw in the pilot. Flashback to the barn much?
7. Funerals are not the best place to show off your new LBD
While we loved each of your ensembles, they would be entirely inappropriate at any non-television funeral. Just so you know. But hey, where can we buy one of each?
8. There will always be a funeral crasher or two
If your name is repeatedly mentioned throughout the episode, you will absolutely make a shocking appearance in the denouement. Everybody’s talking about how Sara Harvey can’t show up, won’t show up. But there she is at Cece’s funeral. Should we have seen it coming? Yes. Did we still gasp when she walked in? You better believe it.
And in case you missed it, Ezra was totally lurking there on one of the back pews. See, this is the problem with open invite funerals.
9. If they find a body, you will become the prime suspects
Who cares if initial findings suggested that Charlotte committed suicide? There are no suicides in Rosewood. And if there were, they would most definitely be staged as homicides. So was anyone really surprised when that cop Ali dated for a hot second told the Liars not to leave town? Didn’t think so.
10. But a body means nothing in Rosewood
We’ve seen plenty of dead bodies. In fact, two of those bodies were alive and well in tonight’s episode—looking good, Mona and Alison! Conveniently, Cece’s body was covered before the camera could get a good peek at her. And no one even questioned Toby when he assured the police it was, indeed, Charlotte’s corpse. For the fact checker who just has to point out that we saw Cece in a casket at the funeral? Irrelevant.
11. Someone is always watching
That camera in the Radley bar where the girls were drinking was totally watching them, right? We know what you’re thinking—it’s a hotel; of course there are going to be security cameras. But we think all the grainy video footage in next week’s preview is enough to prove we’ve got another voyeur in our midst.
12. Someone is always lying
Come on, Emily—what’s with the purse full of drug paraphernalia and prescription pills? And Spencer, are you totally hooking up with Caleb behind both Toby and Hanna’s backs? (Still not over even the possibility of it happening.) Hey, Alison, aren’t you supposed to be married to Dr. Rollins? You’re not even going to mention that? Oh, and Aria, how do you get such flawless waves to hold in such a short lob? Ugh, stop lying!
13. This show will NEVER make sense
We’re already confused AF about the intentionally vague events that occurred during the Liars’ last five years. What happened to Emily’s dad? Better yet, what in the name of plot holes happened to this woman of Ezra’s in South America? Is there a spinoff worth making in her tale alone? Is Toby building that house for Spencer? (Obvi yes because he’s a straight-up Gosling.)
What we do know? This #5YearsForward deal has provided PLL with the creative jolt it very much needed, and we’re hooked all over again.Â