I can’t distinguish if I’m jealous of my friend’s relationships with their boyfriends or there is legit cause for concern. For example, one of my friends is so invested in her relationship and the guy seems really controlling — he hates when I call and she’s with him, he doesn’t want her to take a leadership role in her club because it takes time away from him. But I think I’m also jealous she has a boyfriend and I don’t. What are good ways to handle jealousy and concern in friends’ relationships?
Dear Doll,
I love how up front you are being about your jealousy. That is so admirable. I hear people deny their own feelings of jealousy and I think it is B.S. Most of us feel jealous. I, for one, feel jealous so often but I love my jealousy because I equate it with desire. There is nothing wrong with jealousy or desire — but shaming ourselves for feeling jealous is what creates pain, anger, shame and guilt. Get it? I totally accept you and your desire. Just let it lead you toward what you want instead of resenting other people who appear to have that. A fun thing to do is to write about the qualities that you want to have based on some of the relationships you see around you. You will probably see a few things that you want to create in your life, and will likely come up with a ton more qualities that are super important to you. Completely accepting yourself and your desire is the best thing you can do for every aspect of your life, this one being central.
It sounds like your friend’s boyfriend might be a bit of a tight ass — but that’s their issue. She is allowing herself to be in a relationship where her guy tells her what to do. Don’t get me wrong — I love me some healthy direction from my husband. But we have a conscious agreement about the masculine & feminine, aka yin & yang dynamics in our relationship — how they play out and how they shift based on circumstances. In this case, it sounds to me like the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on yourself. You don’t have to chase after guys who are unresponsive or unavailable, and you don’t have to chase after a friend who wants to blame her guy for her choices, because she is completely choosing this relationship and all the accompanying excuses.
If you suspect there is serious reason to be concerned for her safety, you should contact an organization on campus who will guide you with an intervention.
All my love,
Ali