Who needs an Oscar when you can have maple syrup that’s worth $280?
This Sunday, February 22, multiple celebrities will be going home with the coveted golden trophies while others will be going home with super swagged-out (but also kind of… no, really weird) gift bags that are worth a whopping $150k each. This year, a marketing firm called Distinctive Assets will be handing out these slightly preposterous but oh-so-generous gift bags to the losing nominees in the Best Actor/Actress, Best Supporting Actor/Actress, and Best Director categories.
We know what you’re thinking. “So what’s in the bag?” Follow along as we break down a few of the items that people among the likes of Meryl Streep, Benedict Cumberbatch, Steve Carell, and Bradley Cooper might be lucky enough to find in their gift bags on Sunday night.
- A haze vaporizer, $249.99 (What’s better? Watching Meryl Streep win another Oscar or imagining what she would do with this?)
- A Couples Love Shot, $5,000 (aka an “Orgasm Shot” that’s supposed to enhance love-making)
- Rogue Maple, $280 (Because everyone needs luxury pancake toppings.)
- Posh Pretzels, $50 (Auntie Anne’s obviously won’t suffice here.)
- A year’s worth of Silvercar rentals, $20,000
- A three-night stay at an Italian Villa, $1,500
- A customized candy and dessert buffet from Candy Vixen, $800
- Hydroxycut, $45.94 (So you can put your health in danger with a dietary supplement after devouring everything at that dessert buffet.)
- Dermawand, $115 (A wrinkle reducer.)
- Pop Dental, $100 (A fancy toothbrush.)
- XO Mints, $8.97 (Designer mints. DESIGNER MINTS. Think about that.)
- Flickable, $36 (Vegan-friendly lip gloss.)
- JNL Clothing, $39
- California Good Clothing, $35.99 (A really soft t-shirt.)
- A limited edition signed print from Gunner Fox, $5,000 (He’s an artist.)
- Ambrosia Apples, $75 (Apparently we’ve all been doing apples wrong.)
- An Afterglow Pulsewave Vibrator, $250
- Enigma Life, $20,000 (A session with an astrologist in which she’ll tell you your horoscope and talk to you about your dreams…$20k well spent.)
- A trip through the Canadian Rockies, $14,584
- Archibald’s Next Big Thing, $19.99 (A childrens’ book that will probably be sitting right next to that vibrator.)
- A “Complete Lifestyle Makeover” from Reset Yourself, $14,239
- Naked Luxury Condoms, $56
- A Broken Bones bicycle, $1,000
- A custom piece of furniture from EF + Facto, $25,000
- Ventura Lipo Light, $4,068 (“We’re so sorry you didn’t win. Here’s some liposuction.”)
- Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee, $8.99 (We’re guessing they haven’t created coffee that costs an absurd amount of money yet.)
- Naked Undies, $125-$225 (Eco-friendly “genital covers” for those of you who think Victoria’s Secret is for peasants.)
Only the Academy can make losing feel good. The funny thing is that this isn’t even half of what’s supposedly in this gift bag. Click here to see a full list (along with a few LOLs) of what’s inside this outrageous gift basket.
Which would you rather have, collegiettes? An Oscar win or… one of these?