The question as old as time itself: How much do I need to tweet at the guys on The Bachelorette before they notice my existence and all of them fall madly in love with me?
If you’ve been keeping up with JoJo’s season, you’re bound to have a fat crush on at least one of them, but you’re probably sane enough to watch quietly from afar and, ahem, NOT Twitter spam them for an entire week. Fortunately, I live for your entertainment and decided to take up the burden of endlessly tweeting at the world’s most attractive eligible bachelors.
Warning:the next few days I will be furiously tweeting the men on The Bachelorette, because that ~editorial life~. pic.twitter.com/gJ2shPC9ZN
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 18, 2016
Step 1: Ruthless Stalking
For the sake of conserving my time and followers, I planned to only tweet at JoJo’s final four (Chase, Robby, Jordan and Luke) and also a few of my personal favorites (Wells, James, Derek and Chad). Celebrity tweeting cannot be approached recklessly––it is an art (which still very often has no results). I took to Twitter and rabidly scrolled through each of the guys’ “Likes” section and retweets to see what they typically engage with.
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I was quickly disappointed to find that most of what they like is tweets reeking of obsessive flattery or just generic statements from hot, young women.
Chase’s hometown date for the win #TheBachelorette @cbmcnary
— Mickaela Tiziani (@mickaelatiziani) July 19, 2016
Knowing the bachelorette is on and I get drool over @cbmcnary tonight is the only thing getting me through this Monday!
— Jordan Althaus (@shesa_brickHAUS) July 18, 2016
Plus, a few of the guys (I’m looking at you, Jordan) only respond to or favorite things posted by people they follow. My heart felt hollow towards the gods I watch on ABC every Monday night, but I endured and made a game plan. I will tweet at them like I’m basic—I will, I will!
Step 2: Aggressively Tweeting
Primetime tweeting naturally occurs during episodes of The Bachelorette, which air on Monday nights. Thumbs ready and quivering, I followed suit with the rest of America and tweeted my feels about what was currently happening on the show.
@WellsAdams I just don’t see the point of watching The Bachelorette without you in it. #TeamWells forever and always.
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 18, 2016
@cbmcnary CHASE YOUR MOM IS THE BEES KNEES
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@JRodgers11 it’s okay Jordan, it all started in high school for me too.
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@RobbyHHayes lowkey jealous of your shirt collection
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@james_mccoy_t tbh, the lack of you eating French fries in this episode is slowly killing me. Come back to us!
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@Luke__Pell so what would we have to do to get you to star in the next Nicholas Sparks movie? pic.twitter.com/QKU3B07mYf
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 201
As I expected, no response was to be had. Surely they were overwhelmed by the amount of messages they were receiving. Crickets chirped and I went to bed roseless, deciding that the next day I would try asking them simple questions. I mean, questions are easy, right? All you have to do is type. back. an. answer. I SUPPLIED THE WHOLE CONTEXT FOR THEM; THEY HAD NO WORK TO DO!
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@cbmcnary what was the best lesson you learned being on #TheBachelorette?
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@PethDerek what advice do you have for the next season of guys going on #TheBachelorette?
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@realchadjohnson What was your favorite part of being on #TheBachelorette?
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@james_mccoy_t any thoughts on who the next bachelor will be? (Fingers crossed its you!)
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
@JRodgers11 please share your hair grooming tips
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
And still nothing from any of them! I had to suppress my urge to level the guys of The Bachelorette with wildfire in true Cersei Lannister fashion. Racking my brain, I finally found my golden ticket. I had just created a quiz about Luke for Her Campus…surely all the guys would have a laugh taking a quiz to see how compatible they are with the southern hunk.
I soldiered on, sending every single one of them the quiz and willing them to notice me.
@Luke__Pell Her Campus made a quiz about you! https://t.co/vF1vopAd1G
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 20, 2016
@RobbyHHayes take this quiz about Luke! https://t.co/vF1vopAd1G
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 20, 2016
@PethDerek take this to see how compatible you are with Luke! https://t.co/vF1vopAd1G
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 21, 2016
Nothing. So I just started spouting words in a desperate last attempt.
@james_mccoy_t come to Boston for a show! I’ll shower you with hugs and buy you brunch
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 21, 2016
My life is lit only because @realchadjohnson‘s snapchat is so lit
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 21, 2016
Finally, I resorted to this.
@RobbyHHayes can I please join your family? Adopt me as your own and let become gorgeously tan with a dramatic side part.
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016
And after days of attempts, Robby liked the weirdest thing I tweeted.
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Step 3: Solemn Reflection
I wouldn’t say that I’m disappointed in this experience, but I clearly still have a lot to learn about tweeting D-list “celebrities.” I’m not sure if it takes the perfect timing, a magical tweet formula or being #blessed enough that they just happen to see you, but Bachelorette tweeting should not be attempted by feeble rookies or those of us who have rejection anxiety. Let’s leave it the pros, like @HerCampus and @clmgiudici, while we twiddle away our Monday nights, silently cursing about how we don’t have a Jordan Rodgers in our lives. Also, can this please be a thing?
Official petition for @Luke__Pell to star in the next Nicholas Sparks movie please #TheBachelorette
— Gina Escandon (@gina_escandon_) July 19, 2016