Disclaimer: if you’re unsettled by my observations, you’re probably a great person and should continue living your life as you always have.
That being said, I’d like to address one of the important issues of our day, namely the “dating” scene at Columbia University. Here’s where you roll your eyes and stop reading because you are (A) annoyed by the trite topic (B) done reading things longer than 3 sentences after the midterm study binge, or (C) disturbed by my disclaimer. Absolutely not. You should want to keep reading because:
- This is a matter of raising public awareness. Attention must be directed to all problems if they’re ever to be fixed (Muckraking 101).
- I considered writing about another important topic (the motley Dodge crowd), but I have far too much to say to those of you “power walking” on the treadmill next to me in jeans, Birkenstocks, and sunglasses. (I can’t make this stuff up.)
- Let’s be real, no one actually studies for midterms (insert angry objections from the over-caffeinated mob in Butler 209)
- I’m sure you’ve heard worse
Ok, I think I’ve been on maybe one date in my life, but just to make sure, I did some research (and by “research”, I mean I typed “what is a date” into Google). The first result was “Web definitions for date.” The first definition was “the specified day of the month.” Thanks Google, but we have Rebecca Black for that. Result #2: “What is a Date Fruit?” Really? It seems the masses are more concerned with increasing their knowledge of obscure fruits than improving their interactions with other human beings (well, thank goodness for #Facebook!).
Finally, Wikipedia. If you can’t find what you’re looking for there, it doesn’t exist. “Dating,” as defined by Wikipedia, is about as common in Morningside Heights as an empty seat in the library is during finals week. Ask yourself this: when was the last time you partook in a “form of human courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse”?
I’m guessing “intimate relationship” and future “spouse” were not on your mind last Saturday night after tequila shot #5, so your drunken make-out session at the Heights does not count (yes, we all saw it). The term “dating” usually refers to “the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple” (Hint: a slurred confession of undying love whilst grinding up against a bar, does not mean you two were interacting “as a couple”).
The problem is a simple one: dates (think, dinner) are awkward. They are not five-minute movie scenes that cut away when the conversation dries up, and no one really wants to talk about how cold it is, or hear about your Music Hum midterm for longer than half a minute. This is why college-aged students tend to avoid the “more formal activity of dating,” preferring instead “the casual, no-strings-attached experiments sometimes described as hookups.”
Hookups allow young women to “go out and fit into the social scene, get attention from young men, and learn about sexuality,” according to one report by sociologists (I won’t call shenanigans on this extremely vague and un-cited “report” because it’s Wikipedia, and Wikipedia is infallible). I’m all for learning about sexuality and getting attention (#photosesh!), but these less-than-appropriate-for-the-dinner-table interactions seem to be the reason that dates-like-your-parents-went-on have taken the backseat.
Now those of you in monogamous relationships, your judgment party stops here. Back up and ask yourself how you two started dating. If you are one of those rare individuals with a story about how your significant other spotted you in John Jay or in class (where I’m hoping you were sober), was bewitched by your charming smile, passed you a note with his number, and expressed his ardent wish to go steady…go back to the 1950s. You’re throwing off my statistics.
More often than not, the Hallmark-worthy romances of Columbia University begin with some combination of alcohol, a bar, and inappropriate physical contact of varying degrees. How do I know this? It’s a complicated algorithm of personal experience, friends’ experiences, and weekends at Campo. If you want more proof of the late failure of romantic courtship, set your alarm, grab some coffee, and sit between 113th and 114th at 9AM on a Sunday morning. Count the number of individuals you see doing a stride-of-pride (no shame kids; I’m not judging), and compare it to the number of couples you see grabbing brunch. If there are more people getting to know each other over bagels than there are girls laughing at the poor kid who has no idea that his number is saved as “Creeper in red shirt,” I will publicly retract my cynical appraisal of dates and briefly consider the merits of Valentine’s Day (call me if you want to hear my views on that subject, but make sure you have at least an hour free).
So, eager Columbians, why has conventional dating fallen by the wayside, and what (if anything) is to be done about it? Anthropologist Helen Fisher suggests that dating is a game designed to “impress and capture” and it’s not about “honesty” but “novelty,” “excitement,” and even “danger” are needed to boost dopamine levels in the brain. Can’t argue with science. I doubt I’d feel very dangerous sitting at Deluxe talking about my favorite animal over grilled cheese, so maybe that’s part of why the more-exciting hookup culture dominates the scene. We also have the tendency to be a bunch of know-it-alls who are likely to:
- Write off anyone we think could possibly be less intelligent than our genius selves
- Act socially awkward because we’ve spent more time building our resumes than interacting with our peers
- Prioritize our school work over our social lives, and therefore choose a hookup that requires no excessive time commitments, over a date that requires you to pretend you actually care what the other person is saying
Aside from our IQs though, there is the simple fact that it’s 2011, and with social media sites like Facebook and Twitter, and our ever-present cell phones and laptops, human contact seems like an increasingly unnecessary adjunct to life.
Now, although I’ve just spent about 1,000 words slandering the institution of dating, I would be lying if I said I didn’t think it had merit. Dating, in the conventional sense (“would you like to have lunch/dinner with me and maybe hold hands?”), has been decidedly marginalized, but the logic behind dating remains. Dates let you get to know someone, plain and simple.
In the 1700s they met their partners via overbearing parents and arranged marriages; in the 1950s they shared straws at soda shops (or wherever they actually hung out in the 1950s), and in 2011 we stumble up to the hot stranger at 1020 who your friend swears is like totally checking you out (even if he’s totally not). I’m kidding; I know not everyone meets drunkenly at bars. My point is that the way we’re meeting new people and interacting with the ones we already know has changed dramatically, and the rules that govern our conduct have relaxed.
So, don’t judge the couple that met when they drunkenly made out at an open bar because now they’re happily dating. And I won’t judge the couple that exchanged numbers in class and went on a first date that Wikipedia would be proud of (but I’m still in doubt about this couple’s existence). Try the awkward series of dates (remember, there’s usually a window you can climb out of in the bathroom), or try the hookup that might progress into a relationship, or the hookup that leads to absolutely nothing but a good story and a bad hangover in the morning. You never know what will work out.
The beauty of 2011 is that people are less interested in doing what’s “socially acceptable” (whatever that means these days), and more interested in doing what makes them happy. Now get offline. I think we’re all tired of pretending we’re not total bitchin’ rockstars from Mars.