I remember watching the news after Michael Jackson passed away. At 10 years old, I tried to make sense of the way the media reported on such a tragedy, and how the world coped with his death in the aftermath of the news cycle. I couldn’t fathom the day that I would love anyone that I didn’t know personally that much, let alone mourn them.
Now, as a 25-year-old (who still doesn’t really feel like an adult), I’ve lost my fair share of loved ones: my grandparents, my aunt, extended relatives, and most recently, my childhood dog. That said, grief is not necessarily new to me, but the devastating loss of Liam Payne — formerly ⅕ of my favorite band, One Direction — brings a new measure and meaning to the emotion entirely.
Like many other One Direction fans, I grew up alongside the members of the band. As an adolescent, I discovered them through their breakout hit, “What Makes You Beautiful.” Looking back, it’s easy to see how they became so popular. Their lyrics assuaged the insecurities that almost every teenage girl feels at some point in their life. But their nearly instantaneous rise to fame was unprecedented and something I have yet to see replicated since. “A worldwide phenomenon,” is truly what One Direction became, and I ate up every second of it.
I was instantly infatuated and fell harder and faster for these five boys than I ever have for anyone I’ve been romantically involved with as an adult — genuinely. My obsession quickly took over my life, becoming mildly unhealthy at times, but that’s a story for a different day. The point is, One Direction was everything to me like they were to so many other teenage girls at the time.
Their music was the soundtrack to the brutal uphill battle that was my teenage years. At times, I was bullied for how much I loved them, so my friends became other Directioners. My evenings consisted of watching their X Factor performances, video diaries, and “One Direction funny moments” until my eyes could barely stay open. Themes of love and loss characterized their albums, but their music was so much more than that to me. Songs like “Diana,” “Strong,” and “Through The Dark” made me feel less alone, which was pivotal to a young girl who felt misunderstood by the world (what teenage girl doesn’t?). Like many other teens, I dealt with anxiety and depression, and One Direction became the solace I craved during my darkest days.
The songs, moments, and friendships created by One Direction were formative in my life, to say the least. And again, I’m one in a million people who feel this way. After the band went on an indefinite hiatus in 2016, my life went on, and I continued to support their solo careers in my early adulthood. Still, my personality now has a strong undertone of everything that I learned and experienced in my One Direction years.
Because of this, it’s never been easy to see any of the boys experience hardship. In recent years, Liam Payne was open about his struggles with substance and alcohol abuse, mental health, and more. As heartbreaking as it was to hear that he was struggling, it was even more heartbreaking to learn of the alleged abuse against his ex-fiancée, Maya Henry, and the allegedly manipulative relationships he had with underage fans over the years.
It felt like the rug was ripped out from under me, and I could taste the bitterness of perceived betrayal in the notes of my favorite verses from Payne. I chalked it all up to the toxicity of parasocial relationships. I’ve been warned time and time again not to put anyone on a pedestal, but as a chronically online Gen Zer, it’s my nature at this point. When you see so much of someone online and in the media, you truly do feel like you know who they are, and you develop a very personal connection to them that only you understand.
Transparently, I will never know the truth of Payne’s character, but I know the truth of the role he played in my life. I know nothing has ever come close to how I felt about these 1D boys. I mean, at one point in my life, I literally would have died for them. Payne’s passing, along with the allegations against him, heralds the metaphorical death of my child/teenagehood, along with that of millions of Directioners everywhere.
Regardless, celebrities, musicians, and yes, even us normies, should be held accountable for our actions. Our generation is unafraid to seek justice where it’s deserved, so much so that we’ve been known to cross the line at times, but it’s usually coming from a good place of wanting to protect those who have been wronged.
I think I speak for many Directioners when I say that I’m processing a lot of complicated feelings that contradict, confuse, and frustrate me all at once. On one hand, the Liam Payne I knew was a completely different person than he may have been before his death. I mourn the version of him that I knew (or thought I knew — again parasocial relationship!) as a teen and young adult. At the same time, I firmly believe that anyone accused of the actions he was accused of should be held accountable — full stop. So, can these feelings and thoughts coexist soundly in my heart and mind?? Some may say no, but for me, it goes back to the argument of supporting the art vs. the artist.
With artists like Chris Brown, P. Diddy, Drake, and even so recently as Taylor Swift — ICYMI, last year she was publicly shamed for the large amount of CO2 emissions she caused by utilizing her private jet — we’ve had to grapple with how we appreciate their music while condemning them for their hurtful actions. I’m not saying that I have all the answers here, but this is clearly an ongoing issue that doesn’t end with any of these artists. It doesn’t end with Payne either.
You may not agree with my opinion, and that’s ok. But I know in my heart that Payne contributed positively to my life at some point, that he was loved by his family, and that he — as a human being — deserved to heal and make amends with those he may have hurt. As the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people,” and I think that’s worth remembering when we discuss situations like this — especially celebrities who we don’t *actually* know.
All this to say, my heart goes out to every Directioner who doesn’t know how to feel. If you’re unsure of how to react, or you’re feeling sad, or angry, know that your emotions are completely valid. At the same time, let’s make sure to protect each other and those closely affected by this loss (AKA Payne’s family and friends), by remaining compassionate on social media. Bullying has never been the answer.
Once again, Directioners: I hear you, I see you, and I’m right there with you. To all of the 20-something teenage girls whose lives were shaped by One Direction, I have no doubt that the strength you gained as a fan will carry you through this difficult time.