Hello, The Bachelorette-loving collegiettes™!
As many of you know, The Bachelorette is one of TV’s guiltiest pleasures.
Not only is The Bachelorette an unintentionally hilarious saga of one woman’s search for love (and/or 15 minutes of fame,) but it is also a guide on how to date and love.
I’m being completely serious.
Instead of making and learning from mistakes in my love life, I just learn from the Bachelorettes’ mistakes. I live vicariously through each Bachelorette’s love life without any of the pain. It’s pretty fantastic (even though I wish I could date Ali’s fiancé, Roberto, in real life—that wouldn’t be so painful.)
So, every Tuesday, I will compile a list of the love lessons I have learned from that week’s installment of The Bachelorette. This season, we will be following the romantic adventures of Ashley, The Bachelor’s second runner-up last season.
And what better week to start this feature than this drama-filled one? Here are the three lessons The Bachelorette taught me this week:
1. When friends tell you a guy is bad news, LISTEN TO THEM
This pretty much happens on every season of The Bachelorette, right? And do any of the Bachelorettes listen? No, no matter how much you yell at your TV. Does it always come back to haunt the Bachelorettes? Yes, as you defiantly tell them (or your TV,) “I told you so.” In fact, when a Bachelorette is told that a contestant is “there for the wrong reasons,” it always makes her like that contestant even more. Love is blind — and stupid.
On the first episode, and both episodes since, Ashley has mentioned that a friend texted her saying Bentley was only on the show to promote his business. Bentley, the guy who said, “Even though I’m not overly attracted to [Ashley], I’m very competitive. I feel like it should be mine”? Impossible!
Ashley finally confronts Bentley about the text out of “respect” for him. Of course, he denies the allegation, and Ashley buys it and falls for him even more.
“I believe everything he says, and I’m moving forward … I can trust him forever,” Ashley said. Actually, Ashley, you can’t, but good try.
Bentley, who does a pretty good rendition of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, tells the camera, “That was f***ing close.” What a catch.
Lesson: If your friends, who know you better than most people, think a guy is bad news, they are probably right. Take their advice into consideration (don’t just address it for a few minutes and then drop it,) and definitely don’t let that warning actually make you like the guy even more. As the expression goes, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Don’t be a fool — let Ashley be one for you!
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2. When a guy dumps you but says there is always a chance you could get back together, he is lying.
This is my best He’s Just Not That Into You advice, which is a book/movie Ashley has apparently never read/seen before. Where are her friends when she needs them? Oh yeah, she ignores them. Poor girl — she’s in for some serious denial.
Bentley finally decides to leave because he doesn’t get the group date rose and he’s not that attracted to Ashley. Again, what a catch.
He knocks on the door of “Ashley’s” house and, instead of telling her the truth, tells her he has decided to leave so he can be with his daughter (whose name is Cozy—I wish I was making this up.)
“I still want to keep the dot-dot-dot there,” Bentley tells a crying Ashley (side note: I kept wanting to know how her makeup was staying on during this entire scene and where I could get it.)
Despite telling Ashley that he may pull an Ed later this season, he informs the camera, “I’m definitely done on the Ashley front.”
Bentley walks out into the rain (nice touch, ABC,) leaving Ashley to sob in her bed.
Before the cocktail party, which never happens, Ashley tells Harrison she thinks she loved Bentley, and, now that he’s gone, she feels “so alone.” I would feel bad for Ashley, but she had 14 guys waiting for her in the other room … I think she’ll bounce back pretty quickly.
Harrison gives Ashley the cold slap of reality she needs by saying he doesn’t think she actually loved Bentley, she just only feels that way because Bentley was “forbidden.” Harrison adds that Bentley’s “dot-dot-dot” jewel of a phrase actually means nothing.
“A real man… would have done everything he could to fight for you,” Harrison says. A little harsh, but completely true.
Lesson: Even though some guys may say they want to get back together one day (again, Ed,) most probably don’t actually feel that way. It’s pretty much another way of saying, “I’ll call you soon.” Try to have realistic expectations of breakups, and don’t become a victim of waiting by the phone for a call that will probably never come. You may have 14 other guys waiting for you in the next room (okay, you probably won’t, but you get my point)! Don’t waste your time crying over one when Prince Charming may be around the corner.
3. Don’t date a guy who wears a mask
I wish this was just a metaphor, but, sadly, it is not. Even though some of you may have The Phantom of the Opera fantasies, leave them as fantasies (unless the guy in question is Gerard Butler.)
After three weeks, the Masked Man (aka. Jeff) decides it’s time to unleash his beauty on The Bachelorette world.
“I’ve been waiting for Jeff to take off his mask,” Ashley says. Really, Ashley? Why else have you been keeping him for all of this time? To have more awkward conversations about his adopted, three-legged dog?
When he finally unveils his face, to reveal a normal-looking guy, he says, straight-faced, “Hi, I’m Jeff.” Smooth.
Unfortunately, there really isn’t much more to Jeff than his mask and hilariously cheesy re-introduction (except for a few cracks about Ashley’s flat chest.) Even though he finally shows his face, he doesn’t open up enough to Ashley — or she just doesn’t like what she sees — and he isn’t given a rose.
“Wearing the mask, the whole original idea was to go in and not show my face and have her get to know me for who I am on the inside,” Jeff says. While the idea is novel, it’s doesn’t really work if he’s the only one wearing a mask. Too bad Jeff is about eight years too late – he would have been perfect for Mr. Personality.
As he is leaving, Ashley only tells him that it was nice meeting him (which begs the question, which time?) Jeff’s parting words, as he throws his mask into a conveniently located fireplace, are, “I would totally be bummed out if I spent the rest of my life alone.” Is this a clue that Jeff will be the next Bachelor? Yeah, probably not, but a girl can dream.
Lesson: Don’t date a guy who wears a mask—unless it’s on Halloween. It’s just creepy. Don’t date guys who wear metaphorical masks, either (aka. Bentley.) If he’s not willing to share parts of himself with you, there’s probably a reason why he isn’t.
The Results:
Who Went Home: Chris D. and Jeff
Who is Left: Ames, Ben C., Ben F., J.P., Blake, Constantine, Lucas, Mickey, Nick, Ryan P., West and William
Who is your favorite contestant? Did the right guys go home? Are there any other lessons you learned from this week’s The Bachelorette? Let us know!
Sources:
http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2011/03/ashley-hebert-getting-to-know-…
http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/121094/why_we_ignore_the_red
http://bachelorlove.blogspot.com/2011/05/bachelorette-premiere-kicks-off…
http://www.hollywoodlife.com/2011/06/07/bentley-williams-leaves-the-bach…