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Newly Long Distance

My boyfriend and I were together at school for the last 3 years. But this year he is living in NYC while I finish my senior year at school. I feel like he’s not giving me the attention and support I need via the phone, bbm and Skype. He seems really distant, and I’m worried he’s not trying as hard as I am to make this work. What can I say to him to get his attention? Or is it too late for that? 

Dear Doll,

Here are a few things to consider: 

  1. What does your intuition tell you? Do you sense that he is committed to being with you or not? Aside from what you want to believe, I want you to tune in to what you know is true. Sit with it even though it may be uncomfortable to feel some of your feelings.
     
  2. This is a very serious question: Are you ever satisfied? Do you ever feel like the attention, care, gestures or responses you get from your boyfriend (or other people) is fulfilling and enough for you? If your answer is no, then you need to really take stock of what you’re trying to get out of more phone calls, bbms, Skype chats, etc. If you think you’ll feel better or satisfied by more when you never have felt satisfied before, that’s an issue you’re going to have to face with yourself. On the other hand, if he seems distant and is really not responding or generating the relationship now that you are apart, that’s just as significant as your habit of never feeling satisfied and I suggest you make your decision about sticking around with that in mind. Why be in a relationship with someone who is not showing up?
     
  3. I don’t think it’s a matter of it being too late or not. This is about what you want in your life. It’s also not about how much you think you love him — your relationship with him stems from your relationship with yourself. You have to be willing to face yourself — get 100% real. I know you know the truth. You’re strong enough to be on your own or in a passionate & reciprocal relationship where you know your worth through and through, and you’re able to share the best of yourself with someone else who wants to adore you too. 

Trust me; I spent many years trying to make relationships work that were already not working. Sooner or later I made a decision in my life — that things can be easier, generous and pleasurable. I got tired of working so hard for relationships which were not matching where I wanted them to be — no matter what I did. It’s your choice girlfriend. Let me know how it goes. 

All my love,
Ali

Ali Berlin is a radio host, author, relationship coach and marriage officiant who guides people to release conditioned pain and fear and embrace satisfaction and love. Over the past ten years, she has become a sought after expert in desire and practical spirituality, and is beloved for her disarming personal transparency and relentless commitment to the truth. Ali has personally worked with hundreds of individuals and couples, and spoken to thousands of people on the practice of living an authentic, integrated and passionate One Life. Ali holds a Masters Degree and coaching certification from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and a Bachelors Degree from Penn State University. She has lectured at Stanford University, Penn State University, the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and has been a featured on Montel Williams radio, Woman’s Day Magazine radio, The New York Times Weddings section, InStyle Celebrity Weddings, DailyWorth.com, Mike Robbins’ radio, KTLA Pacesetters, StyleMePretty.com, BrooklynBride.com, Personal Life Media and more. In 2008, she co-founded The One Love Campaign, a grass roots initiative for marriage equality, which garnered local and national recognition. For more information, visit http://aliberlin.com/