We are only one night into this season of The Bachelorette, and already things have gone completely cray. We’re talking unicorns, awkward first kisses and stripteases that rival Olivia’s all-too-short residency in Las Vegas. JoJo is certainly in for a wild ride, but we are willing to bet the guys are regretting these 15 first-night fails.
1. Christian admits that he wakes up at 3:15 every morning to go to the gym
We are already way less interested in you, Christian. There is definitely something wrong with any guy who wakes up ~that early~ to work out.
2. One guy asks JoJo to hold his blue balls
No, we don’t remember this guy’s name because his name does not deserve to be remembered. The only thing you need to know is that he came out of the limo and asked JoJo to hold his (blue) balls.
3. People keep saying “Damn Daniel”
We don’t care if someone here is named Daniel or not. Stop saying it. JoJo has never even seen the Damn Daniel video, so she does NOT find this phrase cool or funny.
4. Santa arrives and we’re still not sure who he really is
This Santa get-up might have seemed like a great idea when you were at home in the North Pole, but there’s just one catch—no one can see your face past that bushy, white beard, and we don’t even know your real name.
5. James S. becomes the creepiest Bachelor superfan to ever live
Not only did James S. give us an inside look into his Bachelor viewing parties, but he also had a sit-down with Chris Harrison at the end of the show, which was all kinds of uncomfortable. Do you know how prepared we would be if we had the chance to meet Chris Harrison? You have not earned the right to call yourself a superfan.
6. Evan calls JoJo “girly” right out of the limo
This was literally the first thing he said to JoJo. He didn’t even have to tell her he is an erectile dysfunction specialist for her to be turned off by him.
7. Wells brings a quartet to serenade JoJo, which is sweet, but they never leave
Wells had his big moment planned out perfectly…except for the part where he dismissed the a cappella quartet. So are they just sticking around for the rest of the season?
8. James Taylor sings but he’s too nervous to do it well
Sorry, but just because your name is James Taylor doesn’t mean you should become a singer/songwriter. We will cut you some slack because you seemed really nervous, but try harder next time, okay?
9. Alex sits on a bench, where his feet dangle inches above the ground
Oh, Alex. You’re so short. At first we thought we were overreacting to your height (or lack thereof), but then we saw your little feet not touching the ground as you sat on that patio bench. Ugh, we feel for you, but you probably shouldn’t sit down on TV ever again.
10. Will kisses JoJo after a rousing game of paper fortune teller
If you are going to kiss JoJo on night one, do it like Jordan did—yes, we are already biased. Will just awkwardly leaned in and kind of smacked his lips against JoJo’s. Not pretty at all.
11. Chad reveals himself as the villain
The first episode is a little early to be staking your claim as the guy we will ALL hate this season. But keep in mind: this is the fella who spent $7,000 on clothes for the show, so his instant villain status shouldn’t be a huge shocker.
12. Nick S. and Vinny barge into JoJo’s interview room, claiming their titles as “First Night Drunk Guys”
Ugh, there’s two of them this season. Go home; you’re drunk (LITERALLY!).
13. Daniel strips down to his skivvies and dives in the pool
Sadly, it is not like we haven’t seen this sort of nonsense before. But that does not mean we wanted to see it again either.
14. Daniel touches Evan’s belly button in some sort of weird Canadian ritual
No, just no. Why are you touching his belly button? Why would you even think to touch his belly moment at a moment like this? Can someone from Canada please confirm this is not actually a thing?
15. Freaking Jake Pavelka shows up and ruins everything
Seriously, Jake? Who told you to come here and why did you trust their opinion?! America still hates you. And we do not for a second believe you are a casual, longtime family friend of JoJo’s who just so happened to want to talk right before she started handing out roses. Thank goodness she didn’t interrupt you while you were speaking to her.