This week’s episode of The Bachelorette picks up with JoJo proving to America that she can squat in a tight dress while making tough decisions.
Luke tells JoJo he loves her, but it’s too little too late—she has already decided to send him home.
The world stops spinning. Birds will never sing again. Love does not exist.
Silver lining: Luke will probably be the next Bachelor. Hooray, life is worth living again.
Things don’t look as sunny for JoJo, whose final options are Jordan, Robby and Chase.
Alas, JoJo must continue on her journey to find Mr. Right, even though there is no way one of these saps is her soulmate.
But it’s fantasy suites week, so we might as well enjoy the hilarity while we can, right?
First up is Robby. His one-on-one is mostly rained out, but that doesn’t stop him from getting a pedicure and bringing up his ex again.
At dinner, Robby shares a note his dad gave him after hometowns. Clearly, Robby wrote this to himself and pretended it was from his dad because the specifics of the letter are so not dad material. But maybe Robby’s dad is just as inappropriate with gestures of love as Robby is.
During Robby’s fantasy suite date, it becomes evident that we *will* have to watch the morning after breakfasts.
After her date with Robby concludes, JoJo reveals that she is love with Robby, to which I have to laugh because she has clearly been in love with Jordan for, like, ever.
So the saga of being in love with two people at the same time begins…
Jordan’s date has a totally different vibe. JoJo is giddy and affectionate, like a middle schooler with a massive crush.
JoJo warns Jordan that they’ll be “doing something active” on their date. But if you thought they were heading straight to the fantasy suite, surprise: they’re hiking to a sacred temple!
Note: They never break a sweat, but there is lots of heavy breathing. Feel free to make your own joke here.
Finally, they reach the temple, and since there is no kissing allowed, JoJo and Jordan are forced to actually have a conversation with each other.
Their conversation continues into the dinner portion of their date. Even though things feel extra serious, JoJo and Jordan are talking about the same thing they’ve been talking about this entire season: her doubts about an IRL relationship with Jordan.
And Ben. Somehow Ben makes his way into this convo, and it is awkward AF.
Regardless, they make it to the fantasy suite and wake up the next morning looking exactly the way they did the night before. I imagine they both insisted on hair and makeup before the cameras started rolling again.
If you still care, Chase has a date during which he is strangely playful with JoJo. He even dangles a fish over her mouth. I think, “Ew, gross.” JoJo thinks, “Aw, how cute. Chase may not be a robot after all.”
The day and dinner with Chase appear to go well, but when he decides to tell JoJo he loves her in the fantasy suite, JoJo is DONE. She leaves the room to have a panic attack, then races back inside to dump Chase on the spot.
It’s sad for Chase but fortunate for us that this was the ~*first*~ time Chase ever told a woman he’s in love with her.
This alone is enough for Chase to lose it and develop a fully-formed personality I’m almost certain did not exist before this moment.
Chase’s Sasha Fierce is by far the most interesting thing about him, as he tears into JoJo for stealing his ILY flower.
To make up for a heartbreak that will only further stunt his emotional development, the producers send Chase home in style.
It is quite obvious to me at this point that JoJo desperately wants everyone to like her. So she’s pretty surprised when Chase doesn’t thank her for beating up on his heart.
JoJo’s fleet of blue-shirt-wearing suitors arrives to the rose ceremony, and the Bachelorette naively believes this will be a piece of a cake. Two guys, two roses—even the monkey who’s been stalking JoJo this entire episode can do the math on that one.
But wait—Chase returns to try to salvage the last shred of hope he has to be the next Bachelor.
He apologizes, and I instantly hate him all over again. Bring back angry Chase!
Ultimately, JoJo gives out her roses to Jordan and Robby (shocker!) and gets one step closer to becoming Mrs. Rodgers.Â