Author’s note: This piece is intended to be a piece of satire. Her Campus always supports the maintenance of a healthy lifestyle (just as long as we don’t have to know everything about it!).
You know what? You, my friend, lead an exceptionally healthy lifestyle. You routinely exercise, you make nutritive choices when it comes to your diet, and, as a result, you have molded your body into a work of corporeal art. Kudos!
Unfortunately, not everyone can know the labor that goes into leading this taxing regime. People may take note of your attractive physique or how often you frequent the gym, but can anyone know the full extent of your dedication to physical excellence? Now there are ways!
Social media has allowed it so that every barbell you lift and every stalk of celery you ingest can be shared with the rest of the cyberworld. About to consume a nutrient-dense meal? Oh, no you don’t—not before you Instagram a picture of it first! Heading to kickboxing class? Better tweet about it (#fitforlife)! Between Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat, Vine, and Foursquare, no one will be able to miss your methodically fit existence.
It doesn’t stop there. There are countless ways to solicit acknowledgement of your healthy habits outside of social media. If every interaction you have doesn’t leave your companion feeling gluttonous and lazy, then clearly you haven’t made them well enough aware of just how much stricter your diet and exercise regimens are than their own. I mean, did they make themselves a kale smoothie after their CrossFit class this morning? I don’t think so!
As you are such a physical superior specimen, it is therefore your right—no, your obligation—to educate your unfit friends and followers on how they, too, may become as lean and well nourished as you. It also wouldn’t hurt to get some well-deserved recognition for your devotion to all things healthy, right? Here are just a few ways to divulge the details of your healthy lifestyle:
Express your love for any health-related clothing, trends, and foodstuffs.
- Casually tell your friend about the super delicious quinoa recipes you found on Pinterest.
- Tweet about how excited you are for that all-natural, self-serve, Greek-style fro-yo shop to open up near your apartment and all the fruit and granola you plan on topping your treat with (chocolate chips? Ew.).
- Share an article about aerial yoga on Facebook and comment, “Sounds like such an awesome workout… who’s in to try this with me???”
- Instagram a picture of your new pair of neon Nike Free Runs and caption the photo with “Can’t wait to break these bad boys in! #Nike #run #fitness”
Advertise the healthy choices and habits that are part of your daily routine.
- Ask your waitress while you’re out to brunch with your friends if you can have your omelet made with just egg whites and wheat toast instead of white. Oh, and a fruit cup instead of breakfast potatoes on the side.
- Tweet about the progress you’ve made in your most recent squat challenge: only 13 days and 286 squats left to go!
- Make a status with a link to the latest half marathon you’re registered to participate in. (“Second one this month… my body must hate me for everything I put it through LOL.”)
- Instagram a picture of the grilled salmon fillet and side of asparagus you’ve prepared yourself for dinner and caption the photo with “Looks yummy! #EatClean #GetLean”
Make clear your aversion to all things obstructing your fitness goals.
- Turn down your friend’s offer to split a side of fries, explaining that deep fried trans fats make you queasy.
- Tweet a lament about the gym not being open until 10 a.m. on Sundays.
- Share an article on Facebook about the 30 worst pasta dishes in America and comment, “Never ordering one of these!!!”
- Instagram a picture of a cupcake and caption the photo with “My indulgence for the week. I’ll be feeling the guilt for this later. #fatty”
Suggest ways in which others can make their lifestyle more like your own.
- Offer to show your roommates the super effective weight training exercises you’ve added to your daily cardio regimen, since you’ve been getting such great results (maybe they’ll finally realize that just spending 30 minutes on the elliptical isn’t going to get them anywhere!).
- Tweet about the life-changing SoulCycle class you’ve started going to that everyone just needs to try.
- Make a status about how energized you’ve felt since being on your juice cleanse with a link to how others can get started.
- Instagram a picture of your Margarita Pizza Zucchini Boats and caption the photo with, “Ask me for the recipe!!!”
Publicize the results of your efforts.
- Answer the door to your apartment in just a sports bra with your striking abdominal definition on full display and exclaim to the visitor, “Sorry, I just got back from the gym!”
- Tweet about the number of pounds you’ve dropped since you gave up gluten.
- Mupload a photo to Facebook of your sunbathing beach bod and comment, “OMG already getting so burnt!” as if your reddening skin is what you actually want the viewers to focus on.
- Instagram a picture of your flexed arm, its musculature amplified by the aesthetically pleasing filter you have chosen to complement the picture, and caption the photo with, “Hard work pays off. #progress #fitness #health”
Leading a healthy life isn’t easy. It takes dedication, discipline, and a strict diet, and all of it would be in vain without a little appreciation. After all, if you go to the gym and don’t tweet about it, then did it really even happen?