We get it. You’ve seen the movies and watched the reality TV. You know that gay men make the best shopping partners, are incredible at design and will be there to say “GIRL” to you when you’re making poor choices. What else could you possibly want in a friend?
We all know that girl who purposefully seeks out a gay best friend, and although she means well, this is probably not the best way to choose friends. Maybe she’s watched too much Say Yes to the Dress, but whatever the reason, she needs a talking to, and soon. Here are the three most basic reasons why you shouldn’t go looking for a GBF—and how to tell if your queer friendships are real.
1. It’s tokenizing
For those of us who do not identify with any minority group, tokenization may be a new concept. Tokenizing someone is, in essence, reducing them to a single part of their personality and using that as a representative for an entire group. In this way, “my friend Brian who rows crew and is close with his younger sister and also happens to be gay” becomes “my gay friend Brian.”
Karin Wetzler, MD, a pediatrician who is working to integrate LGBTQ+ friendly policies and procedures into her practice in Cincinnati, Ohio, speaks to the difficulties she sees queer youth encounter. “It’s difficult when a child is coming to terms with a single part of their identity, and is then reduced to it,” Wetzler says. “Instead of questioning one aspect of themselves, they end up questioning the validity of everything they thought they were.”
Overlooking so much of someone’s identity is not only harmful to the person, it also sabotages a friendship! Why would you want to have “a gay friend” when you can have a friend who is gay, but who is also so much more?
2. It perpetuates stereotypes
Yes, some gay men enjoy shopping. Yes, some gay men enjoy interior design. Yes, some gay men will support you through your poor life choices—but so will some straight men, and women of all sexualities and your elderly grandmother who has nothing else to do with her spare time. There are few things more irritating than being caught up in misconceptions about a group you belong to.Â
“It irritates me when people constantly highlight my friend’s sexuality, because in my mind that’s something neutral,” says Yana Dessev, a sophomore at Tulane University. “There’s so much more to her than who she dates and loves, and it’s frustrating because I think people forget that besides being queer she’s also an amazing person.”
Seeking out a GBF in the hopes that they’ll fulfill some sort of absurd stereotype is like going on Tinder dates hoping to meet your prince (or princess) charming. There’s a chance it will happen, but we all know the road to a quality relationship of any nature isn’t as simple as swiping right—or in this case, searching for companions who fit a certain label.
3. It’s not how true friendships are formed
Friends, true friends, are made in the most serendipitous ways. From accidental run-ins to being matched as college roommates to meeting through mutual friends, it’s rare that friendships are planned, and even rarer that real friendships are sought out specifically. You may have one particularly athletic friend and another friend with beautiful red hair, but you probably didn’t decide one day that your circle of friends needed an auburn tinge, or that you felt like having someone to support at sports matches.
Colin*, a sophomore at Tulane University, says, “I’ve never once had a meaningful friendship with someone who wanted to be my friend only when they found out about my sexuality.” (If you think you might have trouble handling a friend coming out to you, check out our handy dandy guide!)
The reason why friends are friends is because they click, in some way, through some magical force we can all only guess at (which may or may not be aided by a little wine), not because one person wanted to have a friend who fit a label or checked off a box.
Seeking out a GBF not only makes you “the worst,” but also deprives the queer community of one more awesome ally! So don’t waste both your own time and the time and feelings of others by seeking out a real connection based on a false presumption! Instead, connect with the people you’re naturally drawn to, and let their entire identities, not just one facet of them, make your world a better and brighter place.
*Name has been changed.