The chemistry classroom isn’t the only place where college girls are experimenting. It’s not uncommon for girls to hit the sheets with another girl, even when they’ve considered themselves heterosexual all their lives. So what’s a queer girl to do when a straight-identifying girl approaches her wanting to hook up? Here’s a list of some dos and don’ts to keep in mind before you hook up with a bi-curious girl.
DO set boundaries
You don’t want to accidentally make her uncomfortable! Find out ahead of time what she is and isn’t comfortable doing so you can be sure not to overstep any boundaries. If she tells you she wants to stay above the waist or she doesn’t feel comfortable with certain positions, respect that. It’s always a good idea to ask about boundaries early on in a calm and casual manner to avoid making her nervous, because if she’s too nervous, she may not be honest, and the last thing you want to do is make her uncomfortable without even meaning to.
DO be patient
Patience is a virtue, and it’s absolutely vital when hooking up with a girl who’s used to only being intimate with men. Girls may pull back due feeling vulnerable, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they want to stop. She might just be nervous, so don’t give up or freak out on her! Just slow down and ask if she wants to continue. Remember, consent and open communication are always important.
DO educate her
Teach her the ways of same-sex relationships and queer-girl etiquette. Show her the ropes so that if she does in fact turn out to like girls, she’ll have a good introduction to the LGBTQ+ community. This can be an opportunity to enrich her with your queer-girl perspective and discuss what she hopes to get out of experimenting with you. If she’s trying to find a category to label her sexuality, inform her about sexual fluidity and the wide array of different sexual orientations.
DON’T get your hopes up that she’ll magically turn bisexual
Experimenting is just that: an experiment. There’s a good chance she may come out of the experience realizing she’s only attracted to men, so don’t expect hooking up to turn into anything more serious. Don’t get her hopes up either, for that matter. If all you’re looking for is a hook-up, don’t lead her to believe you’re going to pursue a relationship with her.
Abbie Garcia, a queer collegiette from Florida State University, can attest to the dangers of getting your hopes up too high.
“My experience was a little rough, because I get attached very easily,” she says. “Becoming attached to someone who wasn’t fully comfortable with herself isn’t fun. It was like a huge game of hide-and-seek, and in the end, I just ended up with nothing but pain.”
DO keep safety in mind
If she’s experimenting, there’s a chance she’s not just experimenting with one person. Just be safe and openly communicate about current and previous partners. The last thing you want is an STI!
Gay-dating coach Mary G. Malia recommends talking about STIs before you hook up. “If she’s having sex with men and with you, then that becomes really important,” she says.
DON’T out her
If a girl trusts you enough to experiment with you, don’t break her trust by going around blabbing about it. If she figures out she’s interested in girls, she’ll come out on her own terms when she’s ready. Outing her is not only disrespectful, it could also be dangerous for her. It’s a violation of her privacy, and it could even result in her being alienated from disapproving friends and family and open her up to bullying and opposition she isn’t prepared to face.
As with any hook-up, do what feels right and keep your communication open. Be sure to have fun, but keep these dos and don’ts in mind!
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