Ah, the good old days of middle school — full of awkward moments, recess drama, and the premiere of classics like Mean Girls. Watching Cady and co. scheme and plot against each other made us laugh, but also taught us timeless lessons: how to recognize that you’re being an awful friend, how to be a better friend, and how to wear pink on Wednesdays.
Okay, maybe that last one isn’t as important, but in all seriousness, most collegiettes would agree that they are happy to leave middle school drama behind. So when tween b*tchiness carries over into college life, it can be a pesky problem — especially when you don’t realize that you’re at the center of it. Here’s how to make sure you’re only quoting Regina George, and not actually being her.
YOU think like a boss.
THEY think you’re being bossy.
“Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, because that’s not what Rome is about!”
Well, Gretchen Weiners, we don’t live in the world of Mean Girls or of ancient Rome, but you’ve still got a point. While every friend group needs a balance of assertive and mellow personalities, being too assertive can be harmful — potentially resulting in a Gretchen-worthy meltdown that you’d probably prefer to avoid.
“We’re really talking about power dynamics,” explains Kathryn Williams, author of the book Roomies: Sharing Your Home with Friends, Strangers, and Total Freaks. “The more self-conscious members of a group, or the more introverted ones, can get steamrolled by the more aggressive or extroverted girls. Sometimes it’s just an uncomfortable undercurrent. In extreme situations, it’s bullying.”
This is a problem especially prevalent in academic situations: while group projects are perfect opportunities for putting your leadership skills to use, make sure you’re not dominating the discussion so much that you miss out on useful input from other members. “I have a friend who tries to control every project and doesn’t let anyone get a word in edge-wise,” shares one collegiette™. “She doesn’t listen to anyone else, and she’s not considerate or respectful of other people’s ideas. As a result, I just shut down.”
To avoid such an awkward situation, show everyone that you’re keeping an open mind: respond to others’ questions or comments, don’t interrupt, ask for feedback on your own ideas, and occasionally (prepare to have your mind blown) just be quiet.Pause frequently or sit back to let someone else lead the conversation for a while — people will be more likely to listen to your input if you allow them theirs as well.
YOU find it funny.
THEY think it’s tactless.
“That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.”
Regina George may be a big-screen exaggeration of nasty friend bashing and other devilish behaviors, but in reality, the line between what’s funny and what’s offensive is much less distinguishable. One of the best parts of every friendship is the laughter you share, but what happens when the joke isn’t funny anymore? Even our favorite comedians (read: Tracy Morgan) have had to apologize for making inappropriate comments. While you may have the best intentions, it’s important to keep in mind that humor is always subjective.
“Every person has their threshold for kidding around, just like every group of friends has its own dynamic,” says Jessica Rozler, co-author of Friend or Frenemy?: A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don’t. “What’s considered teasing by one friend might be taking it too far with someone else.”
So while you may be close enough to your friend to joke around about her picky eating habits or how she looks in that new dress, your comments may result in a backfire that nobody intended. Want to make sure it doesn’t happen? Pay attention to especially sensitive subjects — the big three we joke about are politics, religion, and sports, but also avoid things you know she’s cried about, for example, or that she has sought help for. And if you’re still unsure, just ask: “hey, I know I’m no Dane Cook, but were you upset with me for making fun of your hat hair or did you just not laugh?” It may feel uncomfortable, but it beats offending her and irreparably damaging the relationship any day.
That isn’t to say you should throw your sense of humor out the window; taking it to the opposite extreme — being unable to poke fun at each other — would probably be just as detrimental to your relationship. So how about using it to your advantage instead? “[Humor is] a good way to diffuse tension,” says Williams. “You do not always have to bring your serious face… That gets very old.”
YOU think you’re friendly.
THEY think you’re flirtatious.
“Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that’s just, like, the rules of feminism.”
Alas, Gretchen Weiners has enlightened us with another golden nugget of wisdom. Let’s say you’re single, social, and totally ready to meet the next guy. Kudos, collegiette! The (dating) world is your oyster — but it does not include your friends’ boyfriends. While you may be in flirtation mode, and while it’s always gratifying to be buddy-buddy with the cool new boyfriend, your actions won’t seem so innocent, even if your intentions are. Keep the mingling PG and your friend’s best interests in mind: avoid excessive touching, crude dancing, and suggestive comments or texts, and never speak badly of your friend, even if they’re fighting. Simple enough, right?
But what if your intentions aren’tso innocent? What if, for whatever reason — jealousy, attraction, or otherwise — you know you’re causing trouble for your friend’s new relationship? One anonymous collegiette says of her best friend, “She doesn’t even realize what she’s doing but she’s overly flirtatious with everyone. I once took a crush of mine to a formal where she totally flirted with him the whole time. It was inappropriate.”
Be logical, collegiettes. Will being inappropriate with her guy really change anything between them? They’re together because they like each other and what you do won’t change much — except make you look bad. If your feelings are overwhelming you “Jesse’s Girl”-style, confront the issue by having a chat with your friend; otherwise, leave the relationship-sabotaging to our favorite 80’s hits and bad romantic comedies.
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YOU think your roomie’s happy.
THEY think they can’t speak up.
“Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen!”
Sometimes, friends get sick of each other’s tendencies (like trying super hard to make fetch happen). In most situations, the easiest solution is to give each other space — but what about when you’re living together? “[One] thing you often see, especially in roommate situations, where people are less likely to confront bad feelings head-on because of the awkwardness of continued contact (you’re kind of stuck with the person), is passive-aggressive behavior,” says Williams. “You can see the intent behind the action, but technically it’s not outwardly aggressive.”
Avoid a turn for the worse by developing good roommate habits early on. Obviously, you should clean up after yourself and be considerate of her space, but beyond that, it’s important to discuss preferences that vary widely from person to person. Address these as soon as possible: if you’re dating someone, can he stay over? Does she mind if the door is left unlocked? Does loud music bother her?
The truth is, very few collegiettes make it through all four years without any roommate drama. Instead of starting a feud or fuming silently, remember that humor is helpful in these situations, too. “Annoyed with your roommate for never cleaning her room? Make a joke about calling FEMA,” suggests Williams.
If all else fails, contact your schools housing office; in some cases, it’s worth the hassle of moving. “If time doesn’t heal all wounds,” says Williams with a hint of jest, “it might be best for both of you to move on. Not everyone is meant to live together.”
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YOU think it’s an inside joke.
THEY think about privacy.
Damian [reading about himself in the Burn Book]: “Too gay to function?” ?
Janis: Hey, that’s only okay when I say it!
When Cady added that inside joke to the Burn Book, she committed a friendship faux pas — violation of one another’s privacy. And while everything fell apart when the Burn Book was made public, the real world has another kind of book that’s already open to the public: Facebook.
Most of the time, even pictures that solicit a resonate untagging are funny remnants of the adventures you shared the night before. Occasionally, however, the tools of social media can be powerful in a negative way. Photos and statuses, tweets and trends — all can go awry when you post something potentially incriminating. “Thanks to social networking, the reach of a bully’s actions stretches so much further than the classroom,” says Rozler.
The best rule of thumb here is the Golden Rule of Social Media: tag others the way you want to be tagged. That means no hookups, nudity, throwing up, etc., and when in doubt, show her before you upload. As oh-so-many celebrities have discovered, what’s posted on the Internet is almost impossible to get rid of once it’s up, so practice careful self-control with what you post to or about your friends online. That picture of Stacy when her skirt flew up at Lollapalooza? Still hilarious — but not for public viewing.
Notice a pattern to all this friendship stuff? Cady summed it up nicely when she finally realized the truth: “Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George’s life definitely didn’t make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.” Every friendship has its weak points, and it’s nearly impossible to avoid bitchy behavior altogether. Just keep in mind that your actions will in turn affect the way others treat you.
Self-awareness is key, collegiettes. Now that you know all the signs of taking it too far, you’re better prepared to avoid drama for a more fun, stress-free social life. Go enjoy it!
Sources:
Jessica Rozler, co-author of Friend or Frenemy?: A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don’t
Kathryn Williams, author of Roomies: Sharing Your Home with Friends, Strangers, and Total Freaks
Anonymous female college student
Picture Sources:
Three kids couple jealousy: http://www.ilike-italy.it/wp-content/uploads/invidia.jpg
Social media icons: http://www.socializemedia.com/images/social-networks.jpg
Regina and Gretchen Mean Girls: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XOjtFO2Fbg8/TnvT57VXwwI/AAAAAAAAFbs/sp-zIkBOvYI/s400/Blog%2BArt%2B-%2BMean%2BGirls.bmp