Ending up in Paradise, by nature, means that you’re a little bit nutty, right? At least that’s what we’ve gathered from the two short weeks we’ve had to get to know and fall in love with this zany cast. And while last season we put our trust in the Paradisers to follow their hearts, below we’ve got 9 reasons why these goofs definitely should not be allowed to make their own decisions.
1. Lauren reveals she’s (not exactly) a mistress
Amidst more tears and heartache than we’ve mustered in our entire lives, the Iaconetti sisters battle it out over Lauren’s desperate desire to leave Paradise. And it isn’t just because she has yet to find a love connection. In fact, Lauren’s got a boyfriend waiting for her back home. Except he’s already got a girlfriend. And Lauren’s his mistress. But her boyfriend’s not married. Whew, who can keep up in a twisted situation like that? As if we didn’t already question her judgment, Lauren then proceeds to roll her suitcase through the sands of Mexico’s most mediocre beach as she departs.
2. Clare finds out raccoons are the only mammals interested in her
He’s baaaack! The nameless raccoon that Clare bonded with last season is still here for the right reasons, but Clare obviously thinks she’s too good for him. Now, we’re not saying she should settle, but this guy is clearly invested in his relationship with the three-time Bachelor Nation victim. And he likes wine.
3. Juelia is a terrible judge of character
Who else was super pumped when they saw Joe would be arriving in Paradise this week? Well, lower your hand in shame because Joe is a straight-up villain. Sweet single mom Juelia buys into Joe’s flattery, and after a steamy kiss that takes place near a slightly aggressive waterfall, she’s sold. But then we find out Joe is playing Juelia, so he can get her rose—that’s not a euphemism (silver lining!). Our once seemingly sincere country boy is actually waiting for Samantha from Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor to show up. *Pause for those attempting to remember who this person even is*
4. Tenley likes Joshua; Joshua likes drugs
Remember that guy who got half his head shaved by former Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe? Turns out he was so chill about it because he was high when it happened. Okay, so we don’t know that for sure. But he’s definitely done Molly (if not more) before, and he’s totally into it, which he brags about to everyone except Tenley, who’s already seriously crushing on Joshua after a so-so date that she’s completely blown out of proportion in her mind.
5. Mikey still doesn’t know Clare’s just not that into him
Might we add that his best pal/Ashley S.’s toothy soulmate Dan and even Clare herself have admitted this to Mikey’s face? But you can’t help but love him despite his slow comprehension.
6. Jared proves his ultimate failure at playing Bachelor
For everyone who thought Jared should be the next Bachelor, now we know how much of a disaster that would’ve been. Jared gets a date card and, without missing a beat, asks Clare to accompany him. Cue hurt feelings from the (somehow) blindsided Ashley I. and Mikey. Oh, we almost forgot how Jared blew off Clare après date because he really didn’t feel a connection… and she’s eight years older than him, a fact he knew long before he asked her out. Not so classy now, are you Jared?
7. Joe manipulates literally everyone
We have to hand it to him; Joe knows how to play the game. That doesn’t mean we can forgive and forget, though. Convincing Mikey and Jonathan—two potentially rose-less guys who let their suspicions of Joe fly freely in Juelia’s direction—to see things his way isn’t enough for him. Joe continues to insult them both off camera and eventually causes Jonathan to become so distraught over his actions that he locks himself in the bathroom. We screamed at our TVs, but for some reason they just couldn’t hear our warnings.
8. Clare loves speeches and giving them
No one is here for love. Last season people were here for love but certainly not now. That’s the gist of Clare’s completely random and out-of-touch speech to her fellow Paradisers. Tanner, official voice of the people, explains that Clare is upset because no one is pining after her. But Tanner apparently hasn’t heard about Clare’s raccoon.
9. Roses are pointless
Roses serve no purpose here if the people giving them out don’t even know what they want. Forget the totally predictable pairings and the passing of roses we saw coming from a mile away. It’s people like Tenley—and we’re sure Juelia, too, next week—who make rose ceremonies so tough for us. Because Tenley, of course, chooses to keep drug-happy Joshua around. Can’t she see JJ is her Paradise lobster? We’re speaking purely objectively, of course.
Do you think the Bachelor in Paradise cast should be allowed to make their own decisions, collegiettes?