I ended high school in a flurry of COVID isolation and anxiety. For my last year and a half of high school, I was a hermit with a terrible sleep schedule and virtually no self-care systems. I was mindlessly treading water, just trying to get through the pandemic — hanging in there with the hope that I’d have a fresh start at college.
And I was right: College was a reset. A new country, new weather patterns (bye Canadian winters, hello sunny Los Angeles), and a new chance to develop a productive, healthy mindset. I began exercising regularly, meeting up with friends most nights, and re-developing my sense of self that the pandemic had numbed for over a year. I was really beginning to like the person I had become in college, just in time for — boom — winter break.
By the time I got home from the airport, I had regressed back to my high school self. In my old bedroom, I stayed up until six in the morning, plowing through every romance novel on my shelf. I bickered with my brother over the television, and I didn’t step outdoors for days on end. And the more I acted like “high school me,” the more my family treated me like her (which only made me act like her more). It was a positive feedback loop of sleep deprivation and irritation.
This phenomenon isn’t new; Kristen Bell tackled it best in the 2010 film You Again, when she reverted from big-city hotshot to awkward teenage outcast in a few short weeks. This could be caused by what social scientists call “family systems theory,” in which complex family dynamics influence family members’ behaviors, pushing them to fit the personality mold they have always fit. If your family treats you like your “high school self”, this theory could be a reason you revert back to that person when you’re around family. It’s hard to be your new college self if your family has a certain dynamic that relies on who you used to be.
This family dynamic issue plus being in the exact place I grew up in tends to blur the line between “college me” and “high school me.” The holidays — supposedly a relaxing time — are often filled with stress for many; two in 5 Americans say their stress levels increase over the holidays. Whether that be dealing with a difficult family or the pressure of organizing plans and events, there are dozens of reasons for holiday stress. When I’m stressed out and in my old COVID bedroom, it brings out my COVID-era coping mechanisms (like pulling an all-nighter to do a puzzle, with the hopes of feeling accomplished at the end of it).
Look, I appreciate my high school self. She was doing her very best. But I’d rather leave her in the past. When I return to college after a rough holiday, I always feel guilty for how I acted when I was back home. I don’t want to bicker with my brother, or never leave the house, or snap at anyone who gives me advice. Now that I’ve become conscious of this backsliding issue, I’ve been doing my very best to combat it. With a combination of self-awareness, presence, and plans, I have been successfully fighting the urge to revert to my same old patterns.
I’ve noticed that the biggest reason I seem to slip back into my old rut is my lack of conscious decision-making. I wasn’t making choices, I was following habits. By being self-aware about the issue and staying present throughout the day, I was able to check in with myself to see if my actions were from mindless habits or conscious choices. I would write out my daily plan when I woke up — even if that plan was just a workout and a Harry Potter marathon — and I would follow it. I set alarms throughout the day, every hour or so, to remind myself to check in with my daily plan.
I love bringing my “college self” home; she’s much mentally healthier than my “high school self,” and she enjoys the time, the people, and the place differently. For this upcoming break, I’m already making plans for things I want to do (and things I want to not do, like become nocturnal again). I turn off autopilot and fight the natural urge to regress. And this holiday, whenever my unhealthy COVID hermit tendencies try to take the reins, I will remind myself that my healthy “college self” is capable and deserving of far better.