They may have been toting a Walkman while we were plugged into our iPods, but Facebook is one technology that hasn’t escaped our parents’ generation. Now that Mom and Dad are on our News Feeds, friend requests just got a whole lot trickier. That’s why we’re here to make sense of it all. Her Campus™ talked to parents, students, and a psychologist to get to the bottom of this social media age gap.
You Have a Friend Request From… Mom and Dad
Roughly 70 percent of the college students we surveyed were friends with one or both of their parents on Facebook. If you’re one of the 30 percent who is strongly against it, or if your parents haven’t ventured into this realm of technology, psychologist Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein says you’re probably better off. “We get used to seeing each other in formal roles,” she says. “Parents really need to understand that it’s not so comfortable to cross these boundaries.”
For the sons and daughters of these Facebook-navigating parents, “boundaries” is the key word to understand. Before any friend request is made or accepted, both sides should understand that a Facebook friendship is not merely an extension of a real-life relationship. “I think it’s acceptable as long as the parents know what they’re getting themselves into as far as seeing evidence of partying, possibly inappropriate jokes with friends, and the like,” says Anne Askew, HC contributing writer and student at William and Mary. While we’re always being told the dangers of posting too much on Facebook, accepting a parent as your friend without thinking through the consequences could make you learn this lesson the hard way.
Of the parents who were asked about the appropriate parent-child Facebook relationship, responses ranged from an open invitation for snooping to respectfully distant. Mitchell Nadler, a Facebook parent, feels he has a good grasp on the appropriate way to coexist on the site. “Parents can observe and infrequently comment awkwardly, just to let the kids know how our generation rolls,” he says. Whether you choose to click “accept” or “reject” to mom or dad’s friend request, it’s important to know that not a single parent surveyed said they created a Facebook simply to spy. But how do these relationships really affect our daily lives?
First, it might be helpful to understand a few of the reasons why parents sign up for Facebook in the first place. Here’s what the ‘rents said:
- “To keep in touch with the relatives and friends that don’t live close by, or I don’t see very often… Facebook allows me to feel as if they are not so far away” – Karen Malinowski, mother of Heather Malinowski, student at SUNY Oswego
- “To keep in touch with my class reunion committee, act as alumni advisor to a local sorority, and promote my business with a fan page” – Judi Henninger mother of HC Design Associate, Ashley Henninger, University of Missouri
- “Spewing to the world the minutiae of my life, keeping tabs on my friends around the world, to be informative about the connectivity of the new generation” – Audrey Orenstein, mother of HC Editorial Intern Hannah Orenstein, Needham High School
These responses sound pretty innocent, don’t they? But anyone who’s ever tried to swear off mindless profile stalking for more than 24 hours knows that even the best Facebook intentions can get out of hand.
Generation Gap: Facebook’s Changing Dynamics
By now, many of us are aware that Facebook is not merely an extension of our real lives, but parents aren’t as familiar with this new set of rules and often overstep them. “Parents do assume that we have some privileges with our own kids,” says Dr. Holstein. Often, this leads mom or dad to use the site the same way they would use email or text messaging, making comments on photos, criticizing behavior, or just getting too personal for a site that hundreds of people can read. The result: By abusing parent-child relationships on Facebook, adults also risk losing these privileges in their real relationship with their kids.
“Baby-talk on a kid’s wall is not okay, and neither is scolding about a picture or status,” says Catherine Combs, HC Campus Correspondent from Tulane University. “Facebook is way too public for that kind of stuff.” This type of behavior often leads to kids upping their privacy settings, which causes its own set of problems.
Let’s face it, realizing someone de-friended you or getting a request denied is painful. Now put yourself in your parents’ shoes. “There is real hurt that never would have come up if it weren’t for Facebook,” says Dr. Holstein. “You have these extra bruises that people are getting, mostly in the form of grownups being tossed from the young people’s Facebooks.” While it may not be feasible to tell mom or dad to delete that Facebook and stay far away from your generation’s technology, between privacy settings, your own judgment, and those little things called in-person conversations, there are some ways to create a Facebook relationship that works for everyone.
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Facebook Life, Meet Real Life: Making it All Work:
Even Dr. Holstein acknowledges that parent-child Facebook relationships have their benefits, though she notes that these are minimal. “It could bring a family closer depending on the level of maturity at any age,” she says. But tread carefully, as this level of connectivity isn’t for everyone. Read on to see what steps should be taken before you hit “accept friend request”. Thanks to some boundary-crossing experiences that some college students shared with us, we’ve compiled a list of behaviors that simply aren’t acceptable and a list of those we can live with in moderation.
Allowed:
- Positive comments on photos
- The occasional (short and not-too-personal) wall post
- Using Facebook as a secondary form of communication, not the only way to interact
- Tracking your adventures while studying abroad
Off-Limits:
- Criticism of photos, any type of scolding/lecturing for something posted
- Asking about guys from your past, present or future
- Unearthing embarrassing photos from your childhood
- Commenting on posts from your friends
- Asking for clarification about something (inside joke, movie quote, etc.) someone posted on your wall
If some of these rules sound oddly specific, it’s likely because they’re all taken from the experiences of students. “My mom now loves to judge all of my outfits from afar,” says Sarah Nadler, HC campus correspondent for William and Mary. “She yells at me when she thinks a dress was too short or tight, when I wear ‘too much makeup’ and when my hair is ‘too flat.” Sometimes the line-crossing goes beyond the parent-child relationship to other Facebook friends. “For Mom to comment on my friends’ posts on my wall is weird,” says Krystin Nichols, HC Branch Manager and student at Western Michigan University. “It makes her look creepy. Or for my mom to lecture me about going out on a Thursday night when I’m 22 is also quite embarrassing.”
Having trouble with Mom or Dad abiding by these rules? Thankfully, you can always punish them 21st century-style by creating a limited profile. Here’s how:
Step 1: Click on “Account” on the top right corner of your Facebook page. Then, select “Privacy Settings” from the drop-down menu.
Step 2: Select “Customize Settings” and you’ll be taken to a page with a list of things you can share or not share
Step 3: Next to each option like posts, bio, pictures tagged by your friends, choose “Custom” from the drop-down menu
Step 4: Under “Hide This From”, type in mom and/or dad’s name and save the selection
Step 5: Just to be sure, click on “View Profile” at the top of the page and type in your mom and/or dad’s name to view how they see your page
Most importantly, remember that Facebook is meant to be fun, not stressful. Who knows: Maybe the family who Facebooks together stays together. Or then again, maybe not. According to Dr. Holstein, it isn’t always easy for parents to grasp the instant and constant access that technology brings. “When I went to college, my parents didn’t know if I slept away or anything,” she says. “There was [only] a phone in the hallway and it gave us a chance to develop in our own space.” While technology makes it harder for college students to live completely disconnected from their parents, Facebook brings a whole new level of connectivity that some families may not be prepared for.
And just so you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into, here are a few more embarrassing parent-child Facebook experiences…
My mom once commented on a picture of me and this guy from high school who I haven’t talked to in forever “Kristie with her future husband!”
When I was putting a link from Texts From Last Night on my roommate’s wall, my dad commented on the link, lecturing me about how it was inappropriate and how future employers could be looking at it right that second and he thought it was something I did. I had to explain the entire thing to him.
If you’re still having trouble deciding, maybe this chart will help.
Sources:
Dr. Barbara Holstein, Psychologist
Members of the Her Campus Team and their parents
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