You’ve got SATs, ACTs, SAT IIs, personal statements, recommendations to hunt down, grades to keep up, and essay after essay after essay to write.Tears are imminent, breakdowns are no longer considered rare occurrences, and caffeine has become a comfort food. All of this is in preparation for one of the most exciting, but intimidating transitions of your life: going to college. With all of the stress that comes with your never-ending to-do list of a college application process, parental freak-outs are the last thing you need! Pre-collegiettes, Her Campus is here to help you relieve some of the tension that can come between you and your parents when applying to schools. Read on to find out what you can do to help create a (relatively) friction-free environment at home!
Remember that your parents are human, too!
Through the many disagreements and tears of the application process, most students don’t realize that their parents are just acting out of fear and anxiety about what lies ahead. So much uncertainty is involved when applying to college, for both students and parents! Your parents are thinking about the schools you’re applying to, how your actions now will affect your future, the fact that you won’t be living at home pretty soon, etc. “A lot of students think that the primary pressure they feel is due to their parents’ excessive egos and the need for their kids to be in good schools,” clinical psychologist Dr. Deborah Mulhern comments. “Those are concerns among parents, but the vast majority [of the issue] is that there is fear and anxiety. Parents also feel pressured not to express any of those fear-based emotions; as a parent you’re supposed to keep that to your self, but teens often misperceive their parents’ [reactions] as judgmental and critical.”
Stay organized.
It’s important to remember that during the application process, organization is key. You’re the one researching, contacting, and applying to schools, so make sure that you know what needs to get done and when! Staying on top of your work will show your parents that you’ve got your applications under control and will help ease some of their concerns. “I [found] it incredibly important to take initiative during the whole process,” collegiette Kelsey shares of her experience. “You’re the one going to college so it should be you calling the shots: you’ll be learning more about different schools and your parents probably won’t be on your case as much if you do.”
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Make sure to communicate!
Let’s say that it’s a Saturday, and you’ve been working on your personal statement for several solid hours. Your eyes are blurring and there’s a dull pounding in your head; it’s time for a break. You sit down to watch a half-hour’s worth of TV, and your dad walks into the room, upset that you’re not doing something “more productive,” i.e., working on your college apps. You know that you’ve been working hard all morning, but he doesn’t. Being on top of your work is the best way to keep your stress level at a minimum, but you also need to remember that you should not only show your parents that it’s getting done; you also need to tell them. Communication is really important! “My parents would get upset with me when I didn’t tell them what was going on,” collegiette Lindsey says. “To help relieve that tension between us, I made to-do lists and shared them with my parents. I know it sounds like a little much, but it really helped my parents see that I was getting my work done and it helped me stay organized too!” Try posting a to-do list in a common area of your house where both you and your parents can access it, and make sure you update it as you complete each task! If you or your parents spend a lot of time away from the house, try e-mailing them your lists or use Google Docs or Calendars to keep them in the loop.
Ask for help.
“It was really helpful for me to start a dialogue with my parents,” collegiette Anne shares. “They didn’t want to schedule and manage things for me, but they also wanted to know that I was getting my work done. As much as I wanted to do all of it on my own, I couldn’t. Once I acknowledged that and asked my parents for help, we stopped fighting.” She concludes, “I think asking them for help let them know that I was serious about doing well and getting into school. It showed them that I was mature enough to handle my work, but I was also willing to let them in on the process.” Here are a few ways you and your parents can work through this process together:
- If possible, take college tours together.
- Ask them to quiz you on SAT words.
- Discuss financial aid and double-check that the information on your FAFSA is correct.
- Brainstorm topics for your personal statement and supplemental essays.
- Prepare for alumni and on-campus interviews.
The college application process is rough, so keep in mind that organization and keeping your family in the loop are both keys to succeeding without all of the stress that often comes from disagreement with your parents. Collegiette Anne advises, “You have to remember that your parents are human. As stressed out as you are, they are too. Thinking about it that way helps you understand where they’re coming from. You’re both on the same side, so act that way! The college application process is stressful no matter what, but communication and understanding can definitely help relieve some of that tension.”
Sources
Dr. Deborah Mulhern, PhD, clinical psychologist
Collegiettes across the country