It gave a whole new meaning to the rejection hotline.
“Kema? This is Katie and Sarah and Danny. We didn’t get in. Did you?”
It was March 31st of our senior year of high school, the day most colleges sent out their final decision emails. Three out of my four closest friends had gotten rejected from or waitlisted at their dream schools, NYU and Georgetown.
“Guys, I’m so sorry. And, um…yeah…I did.”
Cue an uncomfortable moment of congratulations and the addition of another one of my friends to the call, who, in the span of 2 minutes, went from complaining about not getting in anywhere to opening her long-awaited acceptance letter to Columbia. Screaming ensued on her end, followed by more uncomfortable congratulations.
“Hey, guys, I’ve got to go,” I managed to get out in between shrieks.
In hindsight, this moment should never have happened. Everyone should have had time to process his or her reaction so that such immediate moments of joy didn’t clash with such immediate moments of sadness. I felt sorry for my friends, but I also wanted to celebrate my acceptance, just as I’m sure they could have used some alone time, too.
Luckily my friendships stayed strong after the stressful, competitive and anxiety-ridden college application process—but other collegiettes weren’t so lucky. That’s why Her Campus is here to help you set up a plan so you can get through this process with your friendships intact!
Be Open and Honest
It’s totally fine to be private about your applications, but if you realize you and your friend may be applying to the same schools, it’s better to be upfront about it so that you avoid a sticky situation later.
“[I] actually will forever hate one of my ‘friends’ for applying to my dream school and getting in,” says Hyanna, Emmanuel College ’15. “He said he wouldn’t apply to my dream school because we were very similar on paper, except he was valedictorian of my class and had a better chance of getting in! [W]hen picking two middle class Brazilian kids – we both knew admissions would likely choose him. I applied early and was deferred to regular admission. He applied last minute and was accepted [early]. I was [deferred and then] rejected later on and will forever secretly hate him for it.”
Emotions certainly run high during the application process. While there is nothing wrong with applying to the same schools, it’s certainly never okay to go behind your friend’s back. Once senior year begins, sit down and talk with your closest friends about the application process — share your goals for the future and your hopes for the friendship. Emphasize that you’ll support them no matter what, even if it means that you’ll be applying to the same schools.
On the other hand, if you want to keep your list private, it’s still a good idea to sit down with your closest friends and explain that you want your list to remain on the DL for personal, not competitive reasons.
Even If It’s Your Dream School, You Don’t Own the Application
“[S]tudents in my class made deals,” Hyanna explains. “For example, you can apply to ‘this’ school IF you let me apply to ‘that’ school… So the more selective colleges would only have a few applicants from my school. Clearly my high school was way too serious!”
You should absolutely apply wherever you want to apply and so should your friends. No one should have a monopoly on any college—especially because this does nothing to guarantee you a spot at that school! Many colleges don’t put a cap on the number of students they accept from each school. HC co-founder Stephanie Kaplan confirms that there were years where no one “got into Harvard from my high school and years six people got in.” The fact of the matter is if you have the qualities that particular school is looking for, you’ll be a great candidate no matter what. These schools evaluate applicants individually, not comparatively.
By working hard in high school, you’ve earned the right to apply wherever you want—to give yourself as many options as possible so that you’ll make the right choice for you—not a choice that your friends will prefer. Think of it this way: if you want the best for each other, you won’t limit each other. If you think your friend has a shot of getting in somewhere, encourage her to apply, and expect the same treatment from her. It’s a great way of letting her know that you care about her success and want your friendship to stay above the competition.
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Stop Pretending to Be an Admissions Officer
While it’s really difficult to avoid thinking about this, I cannot stress enough how important it is not to vocalize why you think your friend may have gotten in to a particular school. It could be any number of factors—grades, scores, extracurriculars, outside interests, awards and other achievements—that made you or your friend a great candidate. And since you weren’t there during that school’s deliberations, your speculations can only cause unnecessary drama.
“I knew these two girls who were inseparable all the way through middle school and high school,” says one anonymous Harvard ’13 collegiette. “They both applied early to Brown and one of them got in and one of them didn’t. [T]hey had a falling out, and one girl accused the other one of only getting into Brown because she was Latina. It was really dramatic.”
Another anonymous collegiette from Harvard had a similar experience with accusations. “My high school boyfriend and I both applied early to Harvard. I got in and he was deferred, and he claimed it was because I was a legacy (even though I had a much higher GPA than he did). He tried to persuade me not to apply to any other Ivies regular admission and guilt trip me about it…[H]e then got in regular admission to Yale, Dartmouth, Brown, etc. (not Harvard though) and then tons of people at our high school who didn’t get in to those schools said he only got in to those schools because he was part black! So much drama.”
So stop before you compare—you have no evidence for why one person got in over another, and steering clear of speculations will keep that envious streak out of your friendship!
Damage Control
If you and your friend have already gotten into a huge fight about applications, take a step back to think about the root of the problem. Is it jealousy? Competition? Lack of trust? False accusations? Whatever the cause, take some time apart to figure out what you want to say and then reach out to your friend. Explain that your friendship has always and will always be important to you, then calmly explain why you were hurt. Listen carefully to her side, too, and then try to clear up any misconceptions.
What if you didn’t get in but your friend did? After all, it’s hard not to feel resentful when you don’t get in to your dream school. But the Golden Rule still applies, collegiettes: treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you recognize that you’ve made a mistake and let the competition get in the way, acknowledge that mistake and try to patch things up. You don’t have to force yourself to be happy for your friend, but you also shouldn’t make her miserable about her success.
Support Each Other, Support Yourself
Okay, I’m going to pull a Taylor Swift song and come full circle (anyone, anyone?) with the phone call I mentioned in the beginning. Give each other the space you need; in other words, take time for yourself before you lend out your support. If you end up being accepted while your friends were rejected, there’s no reason for you to feel guilty—you worked hard and achieved your goals and that should be celebrated. Go out to your favorite restaurant with your family or reward yourself by watching your favorite movie. But once you’ve celebrated, be sensitive to your friends’ needs, and let them know you’re there for them.
“It was difficult and awkward for me to see my friends get rejected from colleges they were in love with, while I got accepted to those schools they wanted so badly,” adds Christian Favuzzi, Cal Poly ’15. “I had pretty much made up my mind on my future school so I felt guilty, like I was taking up spots that my friends could have had. But looking back, it did not negatively affect our friendships. Just remember to be polite, respectful and supportive. It’s a stressful and exciting time for everyone.”
No one needs to feel guilty or inadequate because of this process, so once you’ve given each other a little space, spend time together—whether that involves sitting at home, comforting each other with a box of tissues, or going out for ice cream to celebrate. If your friendship has survived the competition, it can certainly survive the outcome. You’ll need all the support you can get, so make sure to remind your friends how important they are to you throughout this time to help take off some of the pressure and strengthen your friendships.
Good luck with those apps, pre-collegiettes!