Lifeguard Barbie saves the day by performing mouth-to-mouth in style. We have other, less intimate methods.
Shit happens.
In fact, the likelihood of shit happening often increases with direct proportion to your proximity to a boy you like. Weâd like to protect you from clumsiness, cruelty and catastrophe but, just as a coed will locate a keg in a crowded room, tragedy will inevitably find you.
What we can do is provide you with virtually fail-proof techniques for emerging from even the stickiest of situations relatively unscathed. See our step-by-step solutions to ten common disasters as demonstrated by our favorite plastic and part-less models, Barbie and Ken.
Itâs easy to mess up your text messages when you have hearts instead of letters and numbers on your keypad.
You text him something you meant to text your friend about him.
- Follow it up with another text as if you still have not realized your error. This is especially crucial if your first text was kind of mean. This follow up text should say something like, âBut I still like him so much/we had the best time last night/I canât wait to see him again/omg, heâs so cute!!!!/etc.â
- Text him again and say, âOh did I send that to you? SO embarrassing, I meant to send it to my sister.â Sisters are safe; otherwise heâll think you intended to spread the word to your entire sorority listserv. If you do not have a sister, name a best friend that he knows, and if he doesnât know, say âmy best friend [name].â
- Donât do it again. Sloppy texting is unacceptable.
Turns out you got with three of his friends, each at a different decade-themed party.
You realize youâve already hooked up with one of his friends.
- When introduced to this friend, just say, âOh, weâve met.â Pretending you havenât met is stupid.
- While you shouldnât deny your history, play down the previous encounter as much as possible. You donât have to report on his terrible kissing skills (remember, theyâre friends), but the less you talk about it, the more it will look like a non-issue.
- If your boy wonât leave it alone, suggest that if he canât think of anything better to do with his mouth while youâre around besides talk about some other guy, you can just leave. That ought to shut up him really fast.
If you were ugly-ponytail-and-outfit Barbie getting with Rastifarian-shirt-and-bad-hair Ken, you wouldnât want anyone to see you, either.
You get walked in on while hooking up.
- Donât pretend you werenât hooking up. âWe were just watching a movie.â Um, with what, your toes?
- Make sure youâre decent, then acknowledge your intruder with a polite yet loaded question: âDid you need something?â
- Hopefully this person will reply with, âNo, never mind!â and leave you be. Chances are he or she is just as humiliated as you are.
âOf course I can walk in these!â
You stumble like a drunken fool in your four-inch heels.
- This accident is not unlike a plane crash: valuable cargo is tumbling to the ground from a very high altitude. Proceed with caution.
- Following airline protocol, do not panic. Rather, seek the assistance of others. Thereâs only one thing more embarrassing than clinging to your friends for support, and thatâs sitting on the ground like an uncoordinated mess.
- After youâve made sure you havenât suffered any wardrobe malfunctions, keep calm and carry on. Also, consider retiring the shoes.
Loves it.
You tell him âI love you!â⊠by accident.
Note: You might be thinking, âWho does that?â But really, weâre a very enthusiastic people. To the Internet repair guy who fixes the wireless: âYouâre a lifesaver! I love you!â To the waiter who brings you food when youâre famished: âThis is amazing; I love you!â To the guy youâre only kind of seeing whom you like-like but donât love: âYou found my iPod? I love yâ.â Oh, crap.
- Laugh it off. Generally speaking, we think real drugs are the best medicine. In this case, however, laughter will suffice.
- Whatever you do, donât say the word âloveâ again that day. Even if it means laying off Love Actually references for 24 hours.
- Alternatively, you may also try saying âloveâ as many times as humanly possible to diffuse the meaning and prove you use the term casually. Risky but, when done correctly, effective. Your call.
This is what his face will look like if you kiss his cheek by mistake.
You miss the kiss.
- If he tried to do that European thing and kiss both sides of your face (this is especially hard to anticipate when heâs in fact from the U.S.), donât feel bad about messing it up. Heâll give you a second try when you say goodbye.
- Following lots of weird eye-fucking, he goes for the mouth and you go for the cheek. Happens all the time! This is the best worst scenario. Whatâs he going to do: not give you another shot at making out with him? Laugh, stop laughing, kiss.
- We understand if you donât want his tongue in your mouth. Ew, swine flu. The best way out is back. Take a step away from him or just lean in the opposite direction. If youâre into him but not his tongue, hand-holding and other G-rated gestures are excellent ways to keep (just enough) contact.
âKen, Iâm so glad you got over that time at your parentsâ house!â
He takes you to meet the parents⊠and you clog their toilet.
- Wow, give us a second. That really sucks.
- Plunger? If youâre like us and have never dealt with such equipment before because you call your dad to handle these things, donât hurt yourself. Itâs like native New Jerseyians trying to pump their own gas. Leave it to the pros.
- You know, this is really a great test of your relationship. If he still hangs out with you after this and doesnât ever bring it up again, you should probably marry him.
âWhat do you mean, âSmartie necklaces are for little girlsâ? This relationship is OVER.â
You make fun of something (or someone) he loves.
- Think fast. Is this a salvageable situation? For instance, if you get into his car and say, âWhat is this shit?â and his reply is, âThe music? Itâs my band,â save yourself by saying, âNo, this stuff on my jeans. What the hell⊠oh hey, this music is awesome! Is that your band?â
- Maybe youâve gone too far. âDid you see that girl at the bar last night who looked like such a whore wearing that slutty top as a dress?â Him: âThat was my sister.â Eek. This one merits a two-part solution. First, excuse the initial offender. âOh, she could pull it off.â Then widen the attack to everyone but the initial offender. âMost girls would not look hot in that.â
- Avoid charged language (whore, slut, etc.) for the rest of the night.
âWait, I thought you said you made those hair twists all by yourself. Now that weâre close, I can see that four of your fingers are stuck together. How is that possible?â
You get caught in a lie.
- Do not pretend you did not lie. You have been caught.
- Be quick and clever. When possible, kindly explain (read: pretend) that you have been âmisheard.â Like âIâm in glee clubâ was actually âIâm interested in glee clubâ or âI have a friend from high school who is in glee club.â A high school friend is the best fallback because most people wonât know your high school friendsâ activities. Still, proceed with caution. Youâre weaving a tangled web, and weâre pretty sure honesty is safer.
- If he still wonât let it go and itâs not a big lie, just flatter him out of his anger and admit you âexaggeratedâ because you thought he was hot and wanted an excuse to talk to him. Who doesnât want to hear that?
âI used to have a gold crown but my ex-girlfriend broke it.â
You break something valuable (sentimental or otherwise) of his.
- Immediately apologize, sincerely but not profusely. Do not cry; itâs not about you. Saying sorry multiple times reminds him of your accident and makes you seem annoying.
- If the item can be repaired, help fix it, but stay within the realm of the possible. Youâre not a technician, so call Dell to fix the laptop on which you spilled hot chocolate.
- If the item is irreparable, do not linger at the place of death. Apologize once more, tell him to call you if thereâs anything you can do, and peace out.
- On replacing the item: If you can locate the exact same thing (we mean down to the model number), go ahead and buy him a new one. If you canât, donât get the âalmost rightâ thing. âAlmost rightâ is a euphemism for âwrong.â Instead, do something nice and non-related. Just stick with consumables (baked goods are ideal) because anything permanent will forever be associated with you and your screw-up.