Imagine this: you’re in a bar, and a stunning Italian man walks over to you smiling. He reaches for your hand and nods in the direction of the dance floor. You’re not up for dancing or leaving your friends, and kindly say “no, thank you” in your sweetest voice. He doesn’t speak English, but says something in Italian insisting that you join him. Immediately you feel uncomfortable but aren’t sure how to tell him no. After all, the only phrase you picked up in your Italian class was, “gelatoal cioccolatoper favore” (chocolate gelato, please).
With Love Abroad 101: The Rules of Dating Foreign Guys we gave you a few tips and tricks for attracting European guys. But, before that hookup gets you hooked into an uncomfortable situation, remember these rules for playing it safe, because whether you’re turning down a drink, or asking how old he is, you want to get your message across correctly and safely.
Personal safety expert and coach, and President of Project Safe Girls, Anny Jacoby, helps us break it down by scenario.
If he buys you a drink…
And you accept it, he might think he gets to “spend the night” with you.
Elizabeth Wagmeister, HC Campus Correspondent at the University of California at Santa Barbara, was studying abroad in Barcelona when she learned of this foreign custom.
“A German man (probably around 25 years old) came up to me at the bar and bought me a drink. I didn’t think much of it so I accepted the drink, and was just talking to him with my friends for a bit,” she says. “Then he told me (straight to my face) ‘I want to sleep with you tonight.’”
She ignored his comment, set the drink down, and moved to the other side of the bar. But the guy was persistent. He followed her and continued to insist they sleep together – not something that would normally pass as acceptable in the United States. Realizing he wasn’t giving up, Elizabeth gathered up her friends and left the bar.
As much as we would like to get a free drink, to keep from getting in any awkward situations, Jacoby says, turn down a drink offer before he buys you one.
“We are always afraid we are going to hurt [guys’] feelings,” she says. “But if you’re not interested, just cut it off at the chase.”
If it’s too late, firmly tell him you don’t want the drink, or to sleep with him. If he becomes clingy, or continues to follow you around the bar, like in Elizabeth’s situation, collect your friends, and head someplace else. You can also tell security or the bartender that the person makes you feel uncomfortable (in Italian: scomodo, in German: unbequem, in Spanish: incómodo). Ask to be escorted out to be sure he doesn’t follow you.
If you hookup…
Forget the idea of the old casual hookup from back home. In Europe, if you hook up with the same guy more than a few times, this may mean you’re ‘dating’. Don’t be surprised if he expects to meet up the following few nights after hooking up at a club or bar, or acts as if you’re already dating.
Dating, or the American idea of it, consists of meeting, going out to a restaurant or movie, and then ultimately making it official. This, 26-year-old Declan of Ireland says, rarely exists in Ireland. It’s often much more casual. Things don’t usually become ‘official,’ but if a girl shows any interest in a guy, it may be understood that they are together.
“Guys go out with their friends, inevitably, to the pub and try to ‘score’ as the saying goes,” Declan says, “If that happens on, say, more than three times, you’re dating.”
The guy may be in the mindset that you’re dating while you’re thinking, “great hookup last night.” Keep in mind that he could become upset, or not understand why you’re dancing with or hooking up with another guy the following night. You would feel the same if your 2-month long hookup-buddy suddenly moved on to another girl without saying anything to you first!
Beware of this if you’re not looking for anything serious, but want to hang out with a guy regularly. Make sure you’re both on the same page about the relationship, and where it is headed. The best way to do that: use your translation dictionary. Learn the words for “relationship”, “date”, and “meet up”. When the German guy calls you “freundin”know this means girlfriend, and not friend.
If you go on a date…
Always do lunch.
To European men, Elizabeth says, “dinner dates can often imply that you want to ‘spend the night with him’ as well.”
As mentioned above, dating is often more casual in terms out of making things official. An invitation for dinner may be a “would you like to date?” in disguise.
To avoid this, suggest a restaurant or pub close to where you live, and have a friend tag along.
“Never go from point A to point B alone,” says Jacoby.
Grabbing a coffee, rather than going out to dinner, also keeps things a bit more low-key.
Of course, if you’re up for more serious of a relationship, go ahead and take the dinner invite! Most likely, with the romantic ways of the Europeans, you won’t be paying for the pasta.
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If you stay in a hostel:
Youth hostels are convenient for their inexpensive prices and their provided food, which beats the excessive cost of renting a hotel room. Think of a hostel like a freshman dorm: common bathrooms in the hall, meeting random groups of people to go out with at night, and possibly ending the night with something very similar to dormcest.
“Everyone staying there is a student, young, and if they are there traveling in the first place, one might gather they are not tied down,” Macey Hall, HC Campus Correspondent from the University of Maine says. “Every hostel I stayed in, my friends and I met guys, went out to bars and clubs with them, and some people inevitably ended up in the same beds.”
Hostels, like dorms, are convenient for hooking up since everyone is in the same building. As you would in any situation, discuss with your roommates and make a group decision whether it is ok to bring guys back before you head out that night.
“Always be on the same page,” Jacoby says. “And make locking doors a habit.”
If a guy gets too pushy when you return to the hostel after a trip to the bars, find, or call security immediately, Jacoby says.
A good idea for any night, Jacoby suggests, is to have one or two people in your group of friends remain sober every night.
“If there’s ever a problem, one could be calling security, and the other can help deal with the situation.”
When staying in a hostel, make sure you know the number for the front desk, or security office, where the exits, stairs, and elevators are on your floor, and the basic rules concerning their overnight guest policy.
Just as you would in any situation back home, know your boundaries when it comes to guys. Stick with a group of friends, and keep your wits about you even while chatting with the most charming Brit. “Of course there’s the excitement of being in another country, and experiencing the culture,” Jacoby says, “but putting yourself in jeopardy is not worth it.”
Jacoby’s stay-safe tips for wherever you are:
- Use the buddy system: Never go out at night alone, and even bring a girlfriend on a trip to the bathroom.
- Look out for each other: Make sure everyone has an ID and cell phone before heading out. Have someone assigned to watch the drinks or purses if you want to dance, or go to the bathroom. Trade off throughout the night.
- Be aware of your surroundings: Know where you are and who’s around you.
- Listen to your gut feeling: “Your intuition is your best friend. Listen to it, embrace it,” Jacoby says.
- Know your exit route: Check for exits as soon as you get into a club or pub. Know how to get out if you have to.
- In the “worst-case scenario”: Bring attention to the situation, and escape as quickly as possible—what Jacoby calls the Stun and Run.
- Always have a cell phone with you: Check emergency numbers for your area, and any hotel or hostel you stay in. 112 is the European emergency number, reachable from any phone, free of charge.
Sources:
Anny Jacoby, personal safety expert and coach, President of Project Safe Girls
Declan, 26, Ireland, studying at Syracuse University
Elizabeth Wagmeister, Campus Correspondent, University of California at Santa Barbara
Macey Hall, Campus Correspondent, University of Maine