Think back to how you met your last boyfriend — your friends set you up, you hit it off at a party, or maybe he sat next to you in your lecture class. But maybe your real dream guy has been right under your nose all along. Your male best friend is someone you feel comfortable around, someone who knows the real you. But is the transition from just friends to “in a relationship,” worth the risk? What if you have a messy break-up and then lose your best friend? Or maybe you’re too comfortable for romance.
The transition from best friends to boyfriend and girlfriend worked on shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother, but real life is a bit trickier than a sitcom. We talked to David Coleman, author of Date Smart, Making Relationships Matter!and 101 Great Dates, and some collegiettes who have dealt with this issue firsthand.
Is There Really a Spark?
It’s easy to mistake being compatible with someone platonically for being compatible with that person romantically, especially when they’re your cute guy friend. After all, a lot of the traits you look for in a best friend are the same as those you look for in a significant other. How do you know if you actually have romantic feelings for your closest guy friend, or if you just enjoy his company? In other words: do you like him, or do you like like him?
Coleman suggests asking yourself the following three questions to try and figure out if there is indeed a spark: Am I physically attracted to him? Would I be jealous if he dated someone else? Do I want to date someone else?
“If the answers are yes, yes, no, then you have feelings for them,” says Coleman. “You aren’t physically attracted to your friends. Your friends can’t make you jealous. There’s an ulterior motive there.”
Erin* a sophomore at Boston University, developed what she thought were intense romantic feelings for her best male friend, but eventually realized she just liked his friendship. “I wanted to like him more than I actually liked him,” says Erin. “It would have been perfect because we’re so compatible, but when I tried to imagine us actually being a couple — kissing, holding hands, going on dates — I couldn’t see it.” It’s easy to want your cute guy friend who makes you laugh harder than anyone to turn into your boyfriend, but remember: a cute guy does not a boyfriend make. Don’t trick yourself into thinking there’s something more than just platonic compatibility.
One of Coleman’s main techniques for finding out if your feelings are more than friendly is seeing if you get jealous when your best friend dates another girl. This is exactly how Claire, a senior at Parsons, realized she had feelings for her current boyfriend.
“I had known him forever and had been really close with him since middle school,” says Claire. “It wasn’t until our senior year homecoming that I realized I had stronger feelings for him and it was only because I saw him dancing with someone else. It was like, ‘Okay. Friends aren’t supposed to feel that way.’ And I had to rethink how I saw him.”
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How Do You Transition?
If you realize that you do indeed have romantic feelings for your best friend, Coleman suggests bringing it up casually, rather than making a grand speech. The next time you two are hanging out, simply say, “Do you ever think about us being together?”
“If they say no, say, ‘Yeah, I don’t either,’” suggests Coleman. “But if they say yes, say, ‘I do too. What should we do about that?’”
But how do you suddenly go from hanging out in your sweatpants, watching YouTube videos to going on real dates? Claire suggests doing things that feel natural.
“It’s weird because you want to do special ‘couple things,’ but sometimes it can feel like you’re playing the role of boyfriend and girlfriend after you’ve been friends for so long. Going on a romantic dinner felt forced. You don’t have to play by the rules of what you think a couple should do. They’re still your best friend. Just have fun and try not to think too much about the title.”
Still, although it’s important to still be yourself, it’s equally important to set up boundaries. When you realize you have feelings for your best friend, it can be tempting to let a bottle of Smirnoff do all the talking, but a drunken make-out session isn’t the best way to get a healthy relationship. Being too casual can risk the friendship — and any chance of the friendship being something more.
What Do You Have to Lose?
According to Coleman, you will lose the friendship that you once had. “If it doesn’t work, you can’t go back to being just friends,” he says. “That ship has sailed. But they’re not your real friend to begin with. You’re not attracted to your best friend. Your best friend can’t make you jealous. They’re not your best friend.”
But is that always the case? Not quite. Katie*, a junior at Syracuse, dated her best friend for nearly four years before they broke up. All break-ups are difficult, but Katie was losing her boyfriend and her best friend. Although they didn’t speak for a while, they are able to get together now.
“I am more logical then emotional, so I could go back to just being friends. At first, we would hang out in a group setting, but after awhile we were able to hang out one on one.” Still, Katie admits that it definitely isn’t the same as before they were going out, but that doesn’t mean she has any regrets or wouldn’t suggest dating a best friend.
“Dating a best friend is great and what you gain is way better than what you lose,” says Katie. “You know each other better, so you are less likely to run into unexpected things down the road. I would always get stressed over certain things and he would know to leave me alone. Because we were friends for so long, he knew what bothered me.”
Chances are, no matter what the outcome of your relationship is, it won’t be as neat and tidy as what you see in the sitcom world, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a try.
Sources:
David Coleman http://www.datingdoctor.com/bio.html
College women from across the country