“I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.”
I’m sure a lot of us can relate to Mary (Drew Barrymore) from He’s Just Not That Into You. Between Facebook chatting, online dating, tweeting, and texting, there are a million different ways to hook up and start a relationship, but have you ever considered how technology might be sabotagingyour relationship? Laurel Fay, counselor and relationships expert for dating and relationships website YourTango.com, says that technological miscommunications can be a big deal-breaker for some otherwise happy couples.
“In my practice this is especially true,” says Fay. “Social media is a factor (if not the catalystic cause) of the issues for most of the couples I see for therapy. Whether it’s a seen email, forbidden text, or controversial Facebook relationship status, social technology is rocking our world.”
From Facebook to texting and everything in between, sometimes technology can complicate love. Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself before you let technology sabotage your relationship.
Do you stalk him on Facebook… or Twitter… or Google?
Admit it collegiettesTM: we all do it. Whenever we see the notification that our guy is suddenly “friends” with that girl from chemistry class pop up in our newsfeed, we can’t help but be a littlecurious. Facebook searching a first date might be tempting, but virtually spying on your boyfriend can only lead to trouble and, in all likelihood, a break-up.
Meredith, a senior from Boston College, learned this the hard way when she broke up with her boyfriend over virtual spying.
“It was a really, really bad habit of mine,” Meredith says. “And the worst thing was there was really no excuse for me. He was honest and he’d never cheated on me before or flirted with other girls or done anything to make me think he was anything but a sweet guy. He said that we couldn’t be together if he couldn’t trust me and vice versa. But there was something in me that I couldn’t let go and eventually, it was a big enough of an issue where we broke up.”
Fay says that it’s easy to get lost in our own virtual worlds and to forget about the consequences our virtual actions have on real life relationships. “It’s too easy to forget,” Fay says, “that behind the computer screen (or iPhone, iPad, or Blackberry screen) there are real people watching, listening, and taking note of our words, pictures, and selves.”
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Do you exchange log-in information?
It might seem like a great idea if you’re ever in a pinch and need him to print out that emailed essay of yours minutes before class in his room, but believe me when I say it’s never a good idea to exchange usernames and passwords.
Emily, a sophomore at UNC-Chapel Hill, learned this before her relationship could fall apart.
“I was dating my boyfriend for a few months when I happened to find out his password to his Gmail,” Emily says, who admits that it caused tension in her then 3-month long relationship with her boyfriend. “He knew about it, he lent it to me once so I could quickly send an email or something and he was fine with it, but it started to become a problem because I got a little snoopy with it. You can’t help it. It’s just natural curiosity.”
A 2009 study released by the University of Guelph in Ontario showed that Facebook only increases jealousy in users’ romantic relationships. “Facebook gives people access to information about their partner that may otherwise not be accessible,” said Amy Muise, a Ph.D. student in psychology who conducted the study. “This may include details about their partner’s friendships and social exchanges, especially interactions with previous romantic or sexual partners.”
So case in point: don’t exchange email passwords with your partner (no matter how good of an idea it seems at the time) and don’t ever hack into your boyfriend’s email account or phone to read messages. You’ll only assume he’s cheating on you, freak out, and post a passive-aggressive status about it on Facebook later on (another big technological no-no).
Do you broadcast all of your relationship drama over the Internet?
It’s bad enough to have a fight with your boyfriend, so it certainly doesn’t help to run to Facebook to update your status over it or run to Twitter to tweet about it (Demi and Ashton, anyone?).
Kaitlynn, a junior at UMass Amherst, says she was guilty of airing her relationship’s dirty laundry for all their friends to see, and more than once.
“When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I had this really bad habit of updating my Facebook status to let everyone know about it. Or worse, if we had a really awful argument, I might change my relationship status to ‘single’ just to get back at him.”
Online therapist for YourTango.com, Clinton Power, agrees that publicly airing your relationship’s dirty laundry via the internet can come back to bite you.
“While venting about your partner online may give you a short-term sense of relief, it has the potential to impact you in the long term,” Power says. “Think of it like this, would you walk into a crowded restaurant of your closest friends and start shouting to them all about the latest complaint you have about your partner? Probably not, you say. So why would you do it in a virtual forum like Facebook?”
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Do you read too much into his post-date text messages?
There’s probably nothing more agonizing than waiting on edge for days after your first date for his text message to hit your phone. You spend the morning after clutching your phone, waiting for it to buzz and you jump every time, only to realize it’s a call from your friend, your roommate or your mom. And finally when you receive a text message (“What’s up?”), your brain goes into overload: What does thatmean? Is it a “What’s up?” like, what are you doing later and can we hang out? Or is it a “What’s up?” like, he’s sitting bored in his economics lecture? Does it matter that he’s texting me now at 5 at night versus earlier in the day? Is he flirting with that winking smiley face or is he just kidding around?
Laurie, a junior at the University of Iowa, says that she often overthinks texting.
“I’m dating a really cute guy right now,” Laurie says. “We were texting earlier this week and he didn’t respond to one of my texts for an hour or so and it just bugged me that he didn’t respond. I know I overthink this stuff.”
As girls (and hopeless romantics), sometimes it’s easy for us to over-analyze the gestures made by guys – a touch on your arm or a look he gives you – and technology is no different. Power suggests even taking the complication out of everything and calling him.
“When you are unsure of the meaning of a message, call the sender or meet in person and check out the intention of the message,” Power says. “This simple action prevents relationship ruptures and facilitates clear communication.”
So, take a deep breath and try to stop your mind from nit-picking every emoticon and punctuation mark (or lack thereof) in his message.
Do you spend more time plugged inthan with him?
I get it: you’re a multi-tasking superwoman. You run your sorority’s philanthropy events, lead weekly practices as captain of the volleyball team, and work part-time for the political science department, all while juggling a full day of classes and a full weekend of socializing… so how could you possiblyfind the time to set your iPhone down?
Samantha, a sophomore at St. Anselm College, says she’s guilty of this.
“I never really had this issue until I got an iPhone for my birthday,” Samantha says. “Now I can never seem to put it down, because I can check my email on the go and get so much more done. When you’re as busy as I can be, it’s all too tempting to multitask! But it’s definitely been a point of arguing between me and my boyfriend in the past.”
“For some people, they can use technology to create pseudo-connection,” Power says, who suggests sometimes ditching technology altogether. “Try having a technology-free day or (gasp!) weekend. See what it’s like to not be connected to your friends, or checking your email 30 times a day. Notice what else is in your life when you take technology away. You might be surprised by what you discover.”
One thing we forget as collegiettesTM (oftentimes without a minute to spare during the day), is how to enjoy a minute to ourselves (and our boyfriends) by setting aside our phones. Especially if you’re out on a date, even if you’re comfortable with your guy and you think it’s harmless, resist the urge to check your inbox via BlackBerry. You may think you’re a multi-tasking diva, but it’s distracting for both of you and it makes it seem like you don’t care about him or the conversation you might be having.
So is technology helping or hurting relationships and dating? I guess you could say it depends. Juggling all of this technology can come with a lot of romantic responsibility. You could be the girlfriend who gets upset about a misunderstood text and lets technology get in the way of that perfectly happy relationship, indirectly. Or, you could be the girlfriend who trusts her boyfriend’s use of technology. While technology can make long distance relationships way easier, allowing us to Skype with our boyfriend across the country, it can also hurt our relationships if we take it too far.