Her Story: Getting Over A Narcissist

Break ups are always difficult but breaking up with a narcissist is always a tad harder. A narcissist partner will always make sure you feel like you are the reason for all of the troubles in the relationship. I was with my ex-boyfriend for two years. When it was good it was heaven, but when it was bad it was hell. The main problem with him was that he lacked the capability of showing empathy and had no conscience. When he did something wrong, he lied about it for as long as he could and only when he realized there was no way out would he apologize.  

He fed on my insecurities and that’s how he got me to stay with him for as long as I did. Narcissists have a profound way with words. They know just the right words to say to make you stay. My ex cheated on me not once, but twice. The first time his weeks of calling and promises of changing got to me. He was the perfect man I fell in love with for the next couple of months again, but then he reverted back to his old ways. We would fight because he broke his promises time after time, and every time it was my fault because I should’ve understood that he was stressed. He said I had no reason not to trust him and it was all in my head. He then cheated again. This time too, it was my fault. My lack of trust had pushed him into her arms. He would repeat these words and cry and apologize so many times that when I was at my lowest I actually started to believe what he was saying.  

I’ve had very low self-esteem all my life, which led to me taking him back. Again. Promises were made for change again, and my low self-esteem was telling me that he would be the only man who would ever love me. But nothing ever changed, I could call him at 9 and he would be happy and say that he loved me and by 9.15 I would be the root cause of all his problems. During our relationship I got so much emotional abuse that sometimes I wonder how I handled it as well as I did.  

The second time however, something had changed in me. I decided I wasn’t going to let him decide what I was and wasn’t allowed to do anymore. He didn’t straight up forbid me from doing anything, but he made sure I knew he was unhappy if I did something he didn’t want me to. This included joining societies at uni, going out, and making any male friends. I merely stopped doing these things to avoid fights, because a night out wasn’t worth the two hours cross examination if I came home alone the next day.  

One night I finally stood up for myself and called it quits. I wanted to live my life and I was tired of him standing in my way. It was a long process to get to where I am now but here are a few simple steps that you should know if you’re trying to get over a relationship with a narcissist. 

My friends and family obviously wanted the relationship to be over a long time before I did. But them telling me to break up was not the answer. It had to come from me. One of my friends told me after the first cheating incident that “You will break up with him when you are ready” and this was true, when the need to break up came from me and not from my friends I stuck with it. So never let anyone tell you to break up, do it on your own time and terms.  

This was the most important thing for me. I joined Her Campus and I think it was a milestone for me. Firstly I was doing exactly what I had been forbidden of doing, and in a way it was refreshing to know that no one knew about my troubled relationship. Meeting new people and getting new experiences lets you discover yourself in a whole new way. 

Not from your problems, but physically. Even if you’ve never run before – do it. When you run you are so focused on the running that you have no time to dwell and it is also a great way to let out the anger and hurt. 

They will always listen. Always. If you want to call your ex, call your friends instead.  

It may sound stupid, but I googled so many articles on narcissists when I was feeling like it was all my fault. It helped me realize that it really wasn’t, it’s just how they are built. 

If you suffer from low self-esteem like I did, this is key. Once you decide to put yourself out there, you realize that he really was not the only one interested. You just never gave anyone the chance to show their interest.  

A narcissist will always try to come back. 6 months after the break up I still get phone calls and texts saying that he misses me, even though he is in a new relationship. Just that alone shows that a narcissist will never change. So remind yourself of why you broke up and don’t let all the pretty words get to you, they’re just words and you know the actions won’t match.  

Trust me, you will get over it. The feeling you get when your ex’s name pops up on your phone and you no longer care is pure bliss. You will feel so proud of yourself and so will your friends. So smile, it only rains for a while. 

HCXO <3