The boy I loved before,
I couldn’t sleep last night, because I know that it’s over between us. But I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real.
I know university is supposed to be an exciting new venture where we meet new people and learn the upside to living out from underneath our parent’s rules. This is something that we both looked so forward to and spent hours talking about. But now the fresher’s dust has settled, my excitement is hindered by the sadness of what I have left behind… you. And so, while my flatmates are socialising and living carefree, I can’t seem to shake the loss I feel. For so long I’ve wondered how it would feel to see you again, to hold you, and yet I can’t. I can’t bring myself to imagine would it would be like to melt in your arms again, to have you look at me the way you did just once more.
This last year I have been on a search for myself, for acceptance and for happiness. I don’t think I ever believed in the prospect of how one could mean so much to another until I met you and now I finally understand. Every time you kissed me, held me and threw me round the dance floor to our song – I felt whole again. I have never known anyone who actually made me believe I was enough and then I met you – and you made me believe it too. You made me realise that it’s okay to not be okay because, like the time I fell out of the loft, you will always catch me and I’ll be safe again.
Yes, uni was the right choice for us, and ultimately it was the fresh start I desperately needed, but I can’t help but feel that there’s a huge part of me missing without you here to make new memories with me. They say nobody forgets their first love and I can safely say I will never forget you and the time we spent together.
Ultimately, I know the world has decided that we can’t be together because we both have futures to chase, but I hope our paths don’t venture too far apart because I still love you and although my cynicism doesn’t like to admit it – I need you.
Always Yours
S x