A high number of gay women I know wince when people use the word lesbian. But that’s the correct term, right? So why does it make so much of the women loving women (wlw) community uncomfortable? This can easily be traced to society’s obsession with fetishizing lesbian relationships. One glance at any major porn site clearly shows us how lesbian sex has been turned into a performance for men and is rarely shown authentically. Women who have lesbian sex are constantly fetishized by society. The patriarchy’s ownership over lesbianism in the public eye has manifested to the extent where many gay women don’t feel comfortable watching lesbian porn; it has become so clear that they are not the target audience, and it is uncomfortable for them to watch a caricature performance of their sexual identity.
Consequentially, the search for emotional and romantic lesbian literature or media is a tough one. WLW relationships have been reduced to sex alone and even then, a vague imitation of what it truly is. The romantic and emotional connections present in lesbian relationships are as strong as any other but almost completely unrepresented in mainstream media. Think about how many films you’ve seen that had a canonically gay female main character or even central character; the likelihood is if you have, it will be a highly sexual character, or her sex life will not be discussed at all. Any media that dare break away from this stereotype is praised as progressive and brave.
This taboo about lesbian sex is not only damaging but dangerous. It produces male entitlement that leads to lesbian couples being harassed in the streets along with lesbian and bisexual women experiencing a higher rate of sexual assault. Lesbian relationships are something to be proud of and to enjoy! The number of beautiful lesbian stories to be told is being neglected while the literature and film industry is missing a trick by not sharing authentic lesbian voices. It’s deeply sad that young girls questioning their sexuality can find so little representation to show them that they are not dirty and can lead highly fulfilling lives that do not revolve entirely around sex.
As a bisexual person, I’ve often felt a certain pressure to not discuss the gay part of my dating life as people feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about lesbian sex in a way they don’t when gossiping about my straight sex life. However, I’ve had those same friends kiss me in front of men and only half-joke about having a threesome. These men then leer about how sexy that is and end up going home with her. And there I am, a prop to fulfil a weird straight fantasy while my sexual identity gets degraded. Luckily as I grew older I learned not to allow that, but it ingrains something in you.
Give lesbians, bisexuals and everything in between peace in their sexualities. Unlearn these notions you’ve been taught about them. Women, make sure to unlearn it about yourself too! Be proud of who you are, enjoy sex and consume gay media to your heart’s content. Reclaim your identity and look cool doing it!