The Five Stages of Grief concept was developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and became
famous after the release of her book On Death and Dying in 1969. The concept originally
was made to describe people with terminal illness facing their own death but was soon
adapted as a way of thinking about grief in general.
On the 22 nd of March 2024 I lost my grandad. Over the last few months of his life his body was
slowly shutting down due to old age. Ten months later exactly, on the 22 nd of January 2025,
he was reunited with my Nana who passed due to Pancreatic Cancer. The experience of
losing two of the most important people in my life, made me think about the Five Stages of
Grief process, in which I realised, after discussing it with my Mum, that we experienced the
process while it was happening instead of after. My theory is that because of their illnesses, it
gave an indication on the amount of time that we had left with them (probably more a fact
then a theory!), in which I can say that we were lucky, as some people aren’t as it happens so
suddenly for others. We, however, had time to prepare ourselves, got to spend quality time
with them, and most importantly got to say goodbye. With sharing my experience, I hope that
people who are going through the process or have been through the process know that they
are not alone.
Stage 1: Denial
The Denial Stage for me, took place during my first semester of 2 nd year. I was rejecting the
fact that my grandad was starting to come to the end of his life and shaking it off that he just
wasn’t feeling well in that moment. I mainly rejected the facts by going out a lot – mainly
clubbing. I felt that I could drink the pain away and I would feel fine. This did not work. I
would often find myself at points in the night, zoning out from what was going on and just
think about what was happening which would usually lead to tears, crying while drunk I
would NOT recommend! I hated being the person that would kill the mood, but I just
couldn’t control how I was feeling, and obviously the alcohol did not help with it at all. All
I’m grateful for in going through the Stage of Denial is the support from my friends and
knowing that they were looking out for me on nights out.
Stage 2: Anger
On the other hand, when it came to Stage 2, I do admit that I took my anger on what was
happening and redirected it onto my friends. I’m not proud of it but to me, I couldn’t take my
anger out on anyone at home, so I took it out on some of my friends at uni. Thankfully, they
understood, they still held me accountable, but they did understand. They would give me
space and wait for me to come around and apologise, which I really appreciated as one of the
things I hate the most especially when it comes to situations like this is the feeling of being
smothered. In true me fashion in the moment I would always think that I was right but then
after a few days I would immediately regret the things I said and would apologise (I am my
brother’s sister after all!).
Stage 3: Bargaining
Regarding Stage 3, I am guilty of doing this over the most random scenarios. You know
when you’re in the shower and you think of a great comeback to an argument you had
yearssss ago? That was me. I would go over scenarios in my head thinking, would this have
happened if my grandad hadn’t caught COVID? Would Nana have been diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer if my Grandad hadn’t gotten ill and she didn’t have to run around and look
after him for all those months? Well thanks to research, the answer to that last question is yes, she would have. I discovered that typically, it takes 10-20 years for pancreatic cancer to develop in a patient. My theory is the stress of running around looking after my grandad, finally brought the cancer to the surface. As for my grandad, he was 95 going on 96, he lived a full and happy life, and it was going to happen at some point. What I’ll forever be grateful
for is being able to say goodbye to both.
Stage 4: Depression
My least favourite stage. Sometimes I feel like I’ll forever be stuck in Stage 4. After they
both died, I’d find myself crying myself to sleep at night because I just couldn’t believe they
were gone. I would also find myself breaking down at random points in the day. What I’m
bad for, even now, is looking over at pictures of them I’ve got up on my wall and their orders
of service. Again, especially with my Nana, as she passed recently, I’m still coming to terms
with the fact that she’s gone. I find myself still waiting for a text message from her asking
how uni is going and what I’ve been up to. When I’m having a certain meal with the family,
I’m reminded of my grandad’s funny jokes he’d make when waiting for the food to be
served. I just know that from now on, with family events, it’s never going to be the same as it
was before.
Stage 5: Acceptance
What gives me peace now, since my Nana passed is that they’ve reunited. I’m unsure of what
happens when you pass but my Nana was very religious and loved going to Church when she
could so I like to think that there is an afterlife and that after nearly 62 years of marriage and
10 months of being separated from one another, they have finally been reunited, which I now
know is the best outcome and is what exactly what my Nana would have wanted.