It’s not easy and sometimes it seriously hurts. It comes when you least expect it. One moment I’m fine sitting with friends and then next it hits me, I can’t breathe. Like wearing a corset, your chest gets tighter and tighter and your stomach hurts. For me, it feels like thousands of butterflies flying viciously in my stomach. But from the outside, I look like everyone else.
There are times when I don’t notice my anxiety. I can smile and laugh and be with friends and be okay. But then there are times when I can tell a story and then all of a sudden it feels like there’s an invisible hand choking me. One hand on my throat, one on my heart. That invisible hand raises my blood pleasure, my heart rate. That’s a panic attack. That’s what my panic attacks feel like.
One of the common threads of Anxiety is overthinking (like MAJOR overthinking). For me, it can range from what if you wear your unworn jeans and find five dollars in them to something more dramatic like what if you can’t find your favorite jeans and you are majorly late for class? Here are a small set of questions that, unfortunately, can run through my head on any given day or week:
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Did you leave your glass in your room? What if you left the glass in your room and your dog comes in and knocks it over and hurts herself?
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Why’d you text her? You know she has better things to do with herself than you bothering her
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Did you really think you had a chance at joining a sorority? Come on, Kait, there are girls here that actually have a shot, you’re just getting in their way.
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Hey, there’s your friends. I wonder what’s so funny? Oh I know, they’re talking about the time you fell going up the stairs freshmen year and you lost your lunch.
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OMG could your question be any dumber? You’re holding the class behind. You should have just kept your mouth shut.
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Do you really think your friends like you?
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You know you’re wasting your parent’s money by being a film major?
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You know that article idea sounds soo dumb? You’re wasting everyone’s time.
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*Spills drink* This is just proof that you can’t do anything right.
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Your kidney transplant is a real inconvenience to your family but you know that, right?
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If you feel sick why not Google it?
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*Bumps into edge table on kidney transplant side* What if that ‘little’ bang caused damage to your kidney?
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What if you die?
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Anxiety makes me overthink everything. The examples above are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head on a weekly or daily thoughts. But if you look at me from the outside you wouldn’t really notice it.
Anxiety is hard. Anyone that shares this can tell you the same. Some people need medication and some don’t but that doesn’t make anyone’s less or more important. This is how my anxiety affects my life. Things that cause me to become anxious or have a panic attack may not be the same for someone else but that doesn’t make anyone’s less or more important. One thing that helps me when I’m having one of my bad days is talking about it and sharing my experience with my loved ones or just writing it down in a journal. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about let alone me writing down for an article for others to read but sometimes talking about it makes me feel better. Letting it off my chest and into the air and sometimes out of my mind, even if it’s for a few hours or a day. It makes it go away so I can enjoy my day makes it all worthwhile.