Do you ever feel like there’s something wrong with you because you don’t have the romantic relationship that other people have?
Worries like this are very common, especially on college campuses. Too often, we let our feelings of self-worth be contingent on the relationships we’re in. We’re quick to let ourselves be defined by a partner, or the lack thereof.
This is normal to do from time-to-time. Afterall, our feeds are constantly bombarded with anniversary posts, pictures from the latest date parties, and celebrity romances. Sometimes, if you’re wanting to be in a relationship but aren’t, it can be easy to think that something is wrong with you. But though this is easy, it can be incredibly damaging to your mental health and wellness.
When you believe that the lack of a romantic relationship reflects poorly on you, you’re insinuating that a prospective partner has more worth than you. This subconscious belief goes hand-in-hand with the belief that not being in a relationship means that you are too difficult to handle, too boring, too intimidating, or any number of false takes on your personality. But these thoughts couldn’t be further from the truth!
Finding a healthy, great relationship is complicated and can take a long time. Not having one doesn’t reflect low worth in you, but rather it’s due to a myriad of other factors. Because, even if you were perfect (an impossibility for us all), immediately being sought after wouldn’t be a guarantee.
You can’t control when a good relationship will come your way. It’s something you have to let happen in its natural timing. Instead of worrying over what the lack of a partner says about you, work on building your self-confidence. This is a much better use of the time as confidence is a necessary factor for your own peace. Also, it’s necessary for the future relationships you may be in.
If you have low self-esteem with your partner, you may end up compromising on things that are important to you or doing anything that the other person wants. Lisa Welling from Appalachian State University affirmed in a psychological study that “relationship-contingent self-esteem” can lead to tendencies to put all your needs second, which can be damaging in a relationship. Low self-esteem can make you think that your partner has more worth than you and that their affirmation defines you. If you don’t catch yourself, you may begin to believe that your worth comes from the relationship and may do anything to keep the relationship going, like altering your beliefs to your partner’s or changing yourself to fit into the mold of the relationship.
As the classic saying goes: People will treat you the way you let them treat you. The same is true with dating. So before concerning yourself over a relationship, make the wise decision to build your confidence and get to the point of knowing that you are extremely valuable regardless of your relationship status.
Not having the affirmation of a partner doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy of affirmation. Dating doesn’t add value to who you are. Unlike the classic fairy tale and rom-com mindsets, you’re not completed by a partner!