The Guynecologist pt. 1

Let’s talk about [demon voice] CULTURAL NARRATIVES.

Ahoy, there Her Campus, let’s dig right in. We received the following, amongst other responses to our question form [which is accessible here and which you should definitely post to so I have something to talk about]. 

-Hey There!! I was wondering what type of cute texts would keep a girl on your mind ;)

-What’s the big deal about threesomes?

-What should I wear on first date??? I wanna be causal but also look hot!

-What is the best way to approach a guy you don’t know but want to get to know better?

Now, the reason I feel it’s appropriate to address all four of these at once is that I think they are all the result of people buying into cultural narratives. I’m vaguely suspicious that “cultural narrative” is a legit term with a legit definition that I’m severely misusing. But for our purposes,  let’s just assume that a cultural narrative is a storyline that we anticipate, a set of expectations we have about how certain experiences are supposed to go, expectations we get from culture. For example, I think most of us entered into college life with a set of expectations: dorm room hookups, crazy, raucous, frat parties, playing ultimate frisbee on the quad when it’s nice out, etc. etc. We get these impressions of college life from culture, TV, movies, etc, and, regardless of whether or not they accurately depict college life, they inform our expectation of it, and therefore our experience of it. 

And nowhere are these cultural narratives thornier or more numerous than in romantic relationships. For every scenario, flirtation, first dates, second dates, hookups, yes, even threesomes, there are scores and scores of cultural depictions of these scenarios that we consume from an early age, and once we start to engage in these experiences we hold what happens to us up to these cultural narratives for judgement. Consciously or subconsciously, we view these cultural narratives as the example of what the ‘right way’ to have experiences is. And, if our experiences differ, we can have a tendency to think of them as divergent from the norm. Now, I’m not saying that using culture as a means of learning about experiences we haven’t had is inherently a bad thing, it’s one of the primary functions of art. But relying on cultural narratives, or perceiving deviancy when our lives unfold differently, can distract us from the real nature and uniqueness of our own relationships. 

So, and here is where we finally arrive at my point, when I get a question like “What should I wear on first date?” or “What is the best way to approach a guy you don’t know but want to get to know better?” or even “What’s the big deal about threesomes?”  What I’m tempted to hear is “How can I conform my behavior to culturally prevalent narratives of romantic approach and engagement?” To which my response is, perhaps unhelpfully, don’t. You know your life, and, presumably, you know the person you’re trying to impress with your text or your outfit. Do what will make you feel good about the situation. And don’t feel like what you do has to align with what is ‘supposed’ to be done. 

P.S. Vis a vis threesomes, my belief is that most men want to engage in threesomes because the prevailing cultural discourse on masculinity expects them to. A friend of mine is rather fond of referring to threesomes as ‘double disappointment,’ and my strong suspicion is that most people lack the sexual wherewithal to pull one off successfully. But hey, no judgement. If you’re into that, you’re into that. Do what makes you happy. 

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• anonymous advice
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