The Guynecologist, Pt. 3

Welcome to the Guyncologist, part 3: let’s talk about sex.

To quote the great poet and classicist Anne Carson, “Eros is an issue of boundaries. He exists because certain boundaries do. In the interval between reach and grasp, between glance and counterglance, between ‘I love you’ and ‘I love you too,’ the absent presence of desire comes alive. But the boundaries of time and glance and I love you are only aftershocks of the main, inevitable boundary that creates Eros: the boundary of flesh and self between you and me. And it is only, suddenly, at the moment when I would dissolve that boundary, I realize I never can.” Sex (whatever that means to you) is, at least to me, endlessly fascinating. It is both figuratively and literally the closest we get to other people, one of the most tangible and intense forms of intimacy that we can experience. But in spite of that, or rather because of that, it is also a reminder of the ultimate impossibility of intimacy and connection. We can never really know what someone else is thinking, never really enter into their interior world, because we are obstructed by the uncrossable ‘boundaries of self and flesh’ that make us individual, separate people. Sex, Carson reminds us, is not only the act that brings us closest to crossing this boundary, but also the moment when the impossibility of doing so is made most apparent.

If you really think about it, about the vulnerability, the exposure, the trust required for sexual intimacy, it can be really scary. We have to strip down (pun intended) to our barest selves (again, intended) and present ourselves without guise or concealment. Or rather, with as little guise and concealment as is possible for distinct beings to have. We offer ourselves up to another for their judgement and consumption, with high emotional stakes, and hope for the best. But the futility of the connection we look for in sex is always in the backs of our minds.

I bring this up because this week we received a question about sex, desire, and intimacy that I think warrants significant consideration:

“My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex or do anything sexual, but I do. Obviously I don’t want to pressure him, but at the same time, we’ve been together for 2 years and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want that aspect to our relationship. What should I do? When I try to bring it up, he gets upset.”

First off, despite all my gloom and doom, you, dear reader, are not at all unreasonable for wanting sex to be a part of your relationship. Sex can, and should, be empowering and fulfilling, and many of us cannot imagine romantic intimacy without it. But that is not to say that sex is a prerequisite for intimacy, or that successful romantic relationships cannot exists in its absence. It’s a question of the people involved, what each wants and expects out of a relationship, and the distance between what they want and what they have.

It sounds like sex is a scary thing for your boyfriend, and, while it’s not my place to guess at why, I would encourage you not to take his hesitations or concerns lightly. It’s a lot to ask of someone to put themselves on the line the way sex demands that we do, and if some of us greet those demands more cautiously than others, it is not aberrance or disinterest, it is merely caution. I can’t tell you that you should or should not have sex with your boyfriend, nor that you should or should not give him an ultimatum or pressure him or anything like that. All I can say is that it sounds like you and he have different expectations, that there is distance between what you want and what you have. The only way that I can think of to bridge that distance is to talk about it, openly and honestly, with trust and without judgement. I think he needs to know why you want this to be a part of your relationship, and you need to know why he’s resistant to it. He may get upset if you bring it up, but if this is something that’s important to you, I think it’s a conversation you need to have.

Phew, heavy stuff. See y’all next time.

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