Yes Means Yes

Rush Limbaugh recently declared that, “no means yes if you know how to spot it.” The long-time sensational, and often offensive speaker, yet again hit a low point in declaring the sexual consent still exists even when a partner says “no.” According to Limbaugh, it’s as easy as knowing how to spot it.

I had the pleasure of attending a discussion series led by The F Word called “Yes Means Yes” this past week. The discussion was geared towards considering a shift from the mantra we’ve been taught since middle school: “no means no” to “yes means yes” when giving sexual consent. “No means no” is a clear-cut message: when a partner says no, they mean it. Contrary to Limbaugh’s belief, the act of saying “no” means the withdrawal of consent. According to law, a sexual actions one’s partner engages in after the voicing of “no” is considered sexual assault.

Listen closely now, Rush.

There is nothing wrong, of course, with “no means no.” In fact, the mantra should remain on signs in middle school and high school health classrooms and every person should be made to understandwhen a partner says “no” they mean it and whatever actions are occurring should stop immediately. When I tell my dog “no” when she’s digging up the grass as she’s apt to do, I do not occasionally mean “yes, please continue digging up the grass.” I actually mean “no, stop digging up the grass” every single time.

However at this discussion we were given a law in California, the California Senate Bill 967, which proposes amendments be added to the Educational Code. According to this law, a partner must give an affirmative “yes” to give consent. It explicitly states that “affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time.” Thus,  “no” still means that all action must stop immediately, but a “yes” must be given before action even begins. This bill was passed by the California Senate with past month and was signed by California Governor Jerry Brown who signed the bill before the necessary September 30th. 

How Does AU Shape Up?

American University’s policy on sexual assault is similar. According to the Sexual Assault Reporting Procedures for Students, “consent is essential each time sexual activity occurs and/or escalates…each partner has the right to withdraw consent at any time.” More importantly AU’s sexual assault policy is that “consent cannot be construed from a partner’s silence.” Thus, consent MUST be verbally given when any sexual act occurs or escalates. 

Why Is This Better?

According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics 48.8% of college women who were victimes of attacks that met the study’s definition of rape did not consider what happened to them as rape. This raises the question of consent. Are they aware that they did withdraw consent? While no means no is a great policy when a sexual act is occurring and one partner would like it to stop, it doesn’t delve into how consent is given in the first place. A person under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot give consent. Moreover, silence is not consent. This is all clearly outlined in both the California bill and American University’s policy. Teaching “yes means yes” clearly defines the lines of consent in a world where rape culture teaches people that lines of consent can be blurred. News flash, Robin Thicke and Rush Limbaugh, consent is a pretty straight-forward thing. One must clearly say “yes” to a sexual act for it to become consensual. If they are incapacitated or are silent, they have not given consent. Only a “yes” can.

But, wait, doesn’t that kill the mood a little to be saying “yes” every step of the way?

One of the questions that was brought up in the discussion was, isn’t it a little tedious to be asking for a “yes” or to give a “yes” every step? Isn’t it a little weird? Won’t it kill the mood?

You may think so now, but think of it this way: you can work it into your routine and make it exciting. Don’t think it’s weird if your partner asks you, “Hey, do you want to have sex later?” and you consent; instead, think of it as exciting, something to look forward to. Communicate with your partner, be excited when they say “yes” and understanding and willing to stop when they say “no.”

So, “Yes Means Yes” Or “No Means No”?

The answer is: both. On American University’s campus, your partner must say “yes” to consent to sexual activity with you. Otherwise, you are sexually assaulting them. Never assume that silence is consent and remember that a partner who has been using drugs or alcohol cannot consent. Likewise, ignore Rush Limbaugh: your partner ALWAYS means no, if they say no. Don’t let “yes means yes” stop at American University. Do not let it die on Governor Jerry Brown’s desk. Bring it everywhere you go. Respect every partner you have. Listen to every “yes” and respect every “no.” Teach consent to your friends and partners and let it come naturally. “If we start now, teaching “yes means yes” can dispel rape culture and teach every person what consent means.” And remember, if you consent to your partner asking you, “Hey, my roommate is out tonight, want to bang in my room?” don’t think, “Oh, that was weird,” instead, think this: tonight, you’re going to have a great time. 

The Yes Means Yes bill was passed, with California now enacting the law and sexual consent. 

Photo Credit: 1,2